Watchdogs

Donovans are watching each other this week -- but who's watching the horizon while everyone else is watching his or her butthole? The dog pack rankings reveal all.

Bunchy

On the one hand, yes, Bunchy (Dash Mihok) is in a living hell due to the abuse he suffered in childhood and the inability of every person in his family to help him to deal with it. On the other hand, bro's got $1.4 million dollars and just became a homeowner! Plus, I can't be mad at this sweet ride.

Screen: Showtime

Bridget

Ray's little bitch (what? It's in the dictionary!) Bridget (Kerris Dorsey) is racing up the ranks, with the help of her new boo, Marvin Gaye Washington (Octavius J. Johnson). Granted, neither of her parents really knows how far things have progressed, but that only bolsters Bridget's power. Also, she's a pretty good dancer?! Who run the world? This girl.

Terry

All the Donovan men currently in consensual relationships with sweet, lovely, generous, unattached women, take one step forward. Not so fast, Terry! I feel so gullible for buying into the Frances hype just because she happens to be played by Brooke Smith, one of my all-time favourite character actors, because sure enough, she's married (or, at least, apparently in a pre-established long-term relationship) and has broken poor Terry's heart -- and he had supermarket flowers and everything! So why is Terry so high in the ranks? Because now he has something on another character, and I feel confident that his Donovan-ness will go from latent to overt as he uses this knowledge against her in some terrible way. Sigh.

Mickey

Mickey (Jon Voight) has fallen to the middle of the pack as he's had to accede to the demands of Agent Miller (Frank Whaley), wearing a wire on a trip to see Ezra (Elliott Gould) and try to get him on tape admitting to...well, whatever. Covering for his clients, I guess. All of this is still pretty obscure, and let's be honest, no one cares. However, the reason Mickey still outranks half the pack is that, regardless of the pretext, he did still get to needle Ezra so much that Ezra started hallucinating, and given the grudge that Mickey somewhat justly holds against Ezra, that probably felt great and was worth it.

Abby

It sucks to suspect that the reason you keep sobbing in the middle of your yoga classes, as Abby (Paula Malcomson) does, is the dawning realization that your husband has been lying to you for years, about some pretty heavy shit, but that there's no practical way for you to extricate yourself from him. It apparently sucks even worse to confirm your suspicions. But, like Terry, Abby ranks above some of her fellow Donovans here due to the fact that she's got dirt on Ray now. That makes her dominant over him, if hardly anyone else.

Ray

Ray is submissive to practically everyone this week. Unlike all the other Donovans collecting information against their foes for future exploitation, it doesn't really help Ray much to learn about Agent Miller's plot against him given that Miller is, like, a law-enforcement official as opposed to the chumps and lowlifes Ray normally deals with. I mean, Miller does seem like a lowlife of sorts, but he's one who has the power and resources to ruin Ray's life in a pretty permanent way. And then there's this crazy bitch (what? It's in the dictionary!) Ashley (Ambyr Childers), handcuffing herself to bathroom fixtures and screaming. She's really giving Ray no choice but to kill her, probably soon (just a guess, but if I'm right, remember you heard it here first), and that's going to be such a hassle.

Conor

Way to puke on some watches, Conor (Devon Bagby), ya lightweight loser.

Daryll

Aw, Daryll (Pooch Hall). Everyone forgot about you, dawg.