Wedding Bell Blues

ABC has just released a new promo for the third season of Revenge, America's most tepidly anticipated retribution-based primetime soap (though at least it outlasted Deception!). The network knows you may be on the fence about continuing to watch, so it's front-loaded the clip with a grabber: Emily (Emily VanCamp) getting shot.

But is it Emily? And does she get shot? Nice try, ABC, but we are seasoned promo-watchers and we are wise to your tricks. Here's how you should really interpret some of the promo's key moments.

Screen: ABC

What We See: Emily telling someone "I'm sorry," and then getting shot, somewhere in her GI tract.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that Emily's vengeful scheming has finally caught up with her in a potentially fatal way -- or, at least, that someone she's wronged is not graciously accepting her apology. But this scene obviously comes at the start of what could still be salvaged as a beautiful honeymoon: a romantic moonlight game of Sorry!, and an ill-timed test of that quail-hunting gun that Emily and her swain registered for.

What We See: A figure in a bridal gown falling off a yacht.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that this is Emily, falling off the yacht after getting shot. Keen-eyed viewers will be able to tell that this is not, in fact, Emily Thorne, but a Hamptons townie Emily hired as a stand-in for wedding photos so that Emily's feet wouldn't get sore in her fancy bridal shoes while the photographers set up their shots. When Emily discovers that the girl has stowed away on the honeymoon yacht, she pushes her overboard, as any of us would and/or have.

What We See: A figure arriving at a party by parachute.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that it's Nolan (Gabriel Mann), because the very next shot shows him taking off a dark jumpsuit to reveal his usual smart party attire. But, of course, there is a cut between the landing and the clip where we can see Nolan's face, which would stand to reason: the daredevil is none other than Evel Knievel IV*, cameo-ing on Revenge to promote his high-octane midseason ABC reality series, Daredevil Cupcake Explosion.

* As of press time, we have not determined whether Evel Knievel IV is an actual Knievel descendant or just someone using a stage name.

What We See: Two people kissing at The Stowaway.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that this is Jack (Nick Wechsler) and Emily/Amanda. In fact, it's that townie stand-in again. She lived, and she is good! Jack also might benefit from corrective lenses and a more robust suspicion of others.

What We See: A trademark "revenge target" photo, except that the crossed-out subject is Emily, who's normally the crosser, not the crossee.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that someone -- presumably the same person we're supposed to think shot Emily earlier in the promo -- is running his or her own revenge plot with Emily as its target. But as we all know, Hamptonites love their theme parties, and Charlotte (Christa B. Allen) is planning to kick off the season with a party dedicated to the movie that has molded her the most: Mean Girls! Just look at the trouble she's gone to in order to dummy up an extremely convincing Burn Book, including slams on Emily! Too bad someone's butterfingers have accidentally dropped it onto the grill, because the hot dogs are ruined, too.

What We See: Daniel (Joshua Bowman), giving side-eye.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that Daniel has been presented with evidence of some kind or another to make him suspect someone close to him who claims to have his best interests at heart. In fact, he's smelling a fart.

What We See: Conrad (Henry Czerny), collapsing to the ground at an event.

What's Actually Happening: Clearly, we are meant to think that Conrad is experiencing a health crisis of some sort or another. However, Conrad will be going through a lot of changes this season, and this is his attempt to wow his supportive loved ones with the "suicide" dip he intends to close with at his next drag ball, where he will be performing as "Cornrows Mason." Unfortunately, his suicide still needs some work.