'I Only Stopped Because I Thought She Was Holding A Giant Box Of Mints'

Screens: YouTube

"My wife Debbie and I were on our way to meet our new granddaughter in Des Moines. We're smiling pleasantly because we we were raised right, but we were on our way to get screened by the TSA. The very last thing either of us wanted to discuss or even think about in that moment was moving our bowels."

"OH MY GOD, I am so mortified that you saw that commercial! My boyfriend and I were about to take our first vacation together and I'd never even so much as farted in front of him yet! Now this crazy British bitch has made him think about me shitting? Thanks a lot, now Aruba's going to be super-romantic."

"I only stopped because I thought she was holding a giant box of mints, and you know, it was early and I had coffee breath. Then she gave me this gigantic grin and held up the TP and I realized I had made a huge mistake."

"Oh, I didn't mind talking to her about my toilet hygiene at all! I take it very seriously and I will spread the moist toilet wipe gospel to anyone who'll listen! I'll tell you, I was bending our pastor's ear about it just that past Sunday before my wife Sheryl pinched me really hard and I realized it had been upwards of ten minutes."

"It's fun to see me and my buddy on TV and stuff, but would we buy the wet wipe things? Probably not, dude. I can't even remember the last time I bought toilet paper; usually I just steal it from work. And whatever, if I have paper towels or coffee filters or Taco Bell napkins around, that's basically good enough for me. I mean, bro, I'm walking through the airport in a visor! Right?"

"I wish these moist cloths had been around when I was doing laundry for four teenaged boys! Peg! Don't you wish they'd had these when your boys were growing up, too? PEG!"

"She gave us the stuff to go try it out but we only did number one." "I didn't." "WHAT? Becca, you are so nasty!" "Whatever, you cropdusted the whole plane." "Shut UP!"