Let's Count Down The Ways The Royal Pains Premiere Made Us All Want To Move To The Fictional Hamptons

The premiere of Royal Pains's eighth and final season (I'M NOT READY) is packed full of all the elements that make an episode. We get Hank dispensing medical assistance to potentially deadbeat patients, and imbuing no authority in the advice he gives his paying ones. (When he learned that Diana is a secret smoker, he sure did ask her very nicely to quit!) Evan is in over his head with his work -- in this case, running the hospital, which has just had its IT system hacked. Jeremiah is still bad with people. Hank's primary patient receives a potentially traumatic diagnosis -- in Diana's case, that she will immediately need a hysterectomy -- with the equanimity that can only come of knowing they only have three more minutes in the world of the show. Divya is still pregnant. ...Fine, she's pregnant again -- but doesn't it seem like she's just been continuously pregnant for like the past three years? And Eddie made a big gesture -- impetuously proposing to Ms. Newberg -- that he could not follow through on. (I guess if his meeting with an unseen and shadowy figure, in which he tells her he couldn't tell "them" the truth, he's taking over the sketchy secret keeper role vacated by Boris.) Amid all the predictable, there were a couple of surprises: that Divya isn't a high achiever 100% of the time, as she only gets waitlisted at Johns Hopkins; and that the prickly, socially awkward Jeremiah...

...was spawned by a pair of legendary sitcom stars.

But let's be real: we don't watch Royal Pains for the stories. We watch to feed our wish fulfillment fantasies! And the season premiere did not disappoint. Let's count down the three most important ways the episode made the pretend Hamptons seem like heaven on earth.

1. You Can Pull Together A Beautiful Beach Wedding In A Day And A Half

   After Eddie blows off his book tour to propose to Ms. Newberg, the two decide they're not going to wait to start their lives together as husband and wife. Paige plans the whole affair with zero notice, and in keeping with her track record, it's understated and elegant.

   

   Paige is so fully on top of everything that Eddie even has time to enjoy a bachelor party with his sons...which maybe he shouldn't have done. Though Hank reassures him otherwise, Eddie admits over bachelor party pool to feeling unworthy of finding love again after he was such a shit to Evan and Hank's mother. And the next thing we know, it's the day of the wedding...

   

   ...and Eddie's texted Evan that he can't go through with it. Rough! Nevertheless: nice event, right? Paige is a genius.

2. You Can Date A Single Parent Without Worrying About Kid Entanglements

   Hank is jogging on the beach when he runs into Jen the cute nurse...

   

   ...and her son, Sam. Jen lets it be known that she would be receptive to advances, were Hank to make them. Hank reads her loud and clear, but tells her he's concerned about letting himself be part of Sam's life before he knows things might get serious between himself and Jen. So: good news! Sam is just about to go spend the whole summer with his dad! It'll be just like dating someone who isn't responsible for any rotten brats!

3. You Can Wear Caftans Literally All The Time

   Living in Hawaii, I thought I understood how committed some people are to resort wear.

   

   The wisdom of adopting such a lifestyle proves itself by the end of the episode. Left at the altar? Start eating your feelings in the form of mac and cheese: you're already basically wearing a fancy nightgown. Ms. Newberg shames us all. Flow on, my sister. Flow on.