Stamos Faces Valderrama In The Battle Of The Fox Flop Comeback Kids

The world was ROCKED yesterday by two pieces of casting news: Wilmer Valderrama will be a series regular on NCIS next season, and John Stamos will be a series regular on Scream Queens next season. The two have more in common than their swarthy good looks: in the fall of 2015, each starred in a new series on Fox -- Stamos on Grandfathered, and Valderrama on Minority Report. And, as you may have guessed from the fact that both are free to take these new gigs, neither show lived to a second season.

Some might look at this confluence of events and be happy that two attractive actors will be able to pay their mortgages. But I'm not "some." Let's compare these dudes side by side and determine which one is coming out ahead.

Which actor's last show ran longer?

While Minority Report had its initial episode order cut from thirteen to ten, ending its run last November, Grandfathered got to air a full twenty-two-episode season; its series finale aired last month.

Winner: Stamos.

Which actor's new show affords more stability?

I'm honestly surprised that any of the first-season cast is returning to Scream Queens for its second season this fall, given the premise that people are getting murdered all the time. Being a "series regular" on Scream Queens is absolutely no guarantee of long-term employment. On the other hand, NCIS is about to air its fourteenth season -- and unlike other long-running procedurals like C.S.I. or Law & Order, the cast doesn't really change much: it only just got rid of Michael Weatherly last month, and Mark Harmon's been on this whole time. If Valderrama gets stuck in and doesn't try to bone anyone's daughter, he could ride this thing out for another decade.

Winner: Valderrama.

Which actor's new role is more compelling?

"[Stamos will] play Dr. Brock Holt, a brilliant — but secretive — head surgeon employed at the hospital, where some of the most fascinating and bizarre medical cases are under observation." Does "head surgeon" mean he's the head of the surgeons or that he performs surgery on heads? Given that Scream Queens comes from Ryan "Nip/Tuck" Murphy, I don't necessarily assume he's 100 on medical terminology.

As for Valderrama: his guy's a 'once grounded NCIS field agent who accepted a deep cover assignment years ago and never resurfaced. Many agents don't know he’s still on the job or that he’s even alive. Now, he’s back and his dedication to job and country has left him an unpredictable, charismatic loose cannon." So there's going to be more than one Martin Riggs on TV this fall? Pass. (I say that like there was a chance I might watch Valderrama in NCIS, a show I've never seen.)

Winner: Stamos.

Which actor has a less embarrassing history of dating other celebrities?

Considering Valderrama was only two years old when Stamos got his first big acting job on General Hospital -- what up, Blackie? -- he's really cut a swath through young Hollywood, having stuck his thing in the likes of Mandy Moore, Ashlee Simpson, and Demi Lovato (and also, if rumours are true, Minka Kelly, Avril Lavigne, and Rihanna). Stamos was, as we all know, married for a time to Rebecca Romijn; he's also dated Denise Richards, Paula Abdul, and Marlee Matlin. "Well, how do you determine what's embarrassing and what isn't when they've each dated a bunch of people, some of whom are cool and some aren't?"

It's actually easy if you look at each guy's absolute best and absolute worst. Because whereas Stamos dated Amy Poehler, Valderrama dated...Lindsay Lohan.

Winner: Stamos.

Which never fucked with Oikos yogurt?

The vastly inferior pretender to Fage's Greek yogurt crown? Score one for Fez.

Winner: Valderrama.

Which never fucked with the Beach Boys?

Oooooh, tough luck, Kokomo!

Winner: Valderrama.

Which actor played himself on Clone High?

Alas, the internet is no longer home to any video clips of Stamos actually playing himself on Clone High, but trust me, it did occur. But watch this anyway: it's important.

Winner: STAMOS!!!!!

Verdict

The Ryan Murphy factor is always a wild card, but here's hoping Season 2 of Scream Queens has more in common with American Crime Story than Glee. But don't take it too hard, Wilmer: there's no shame in fighting crime...NAVALLY!

Winner: Stamos.