Cops And Gallaghers

It's so cute that Dr. Beard starts the episode by telling Lip and Fiona that when Ian gets home, he's probably just going to sleep, because (a) does anyone really sleep in the Gallagher house? And (b) Ian can't waste time sleeping when he's got big plans. Those drugs aren't going to flush themselves! (By the way, am I the only one who thinks the sudden increase in mentions of Monica presages her return sometime soon? Just remember that I said this if it happens.)

Everyone's so busy running around trying to replace the meds Ian's made sure he definitely won't be taking that only Frank is aware of what some of the younger kids are up to...because he put them up to it. But look on the bright side, Chuckie and Carl: your arrests for heroin smuggling will probably be expunged in a few years? Maybe?

It's hard to order people from who had the best week to who had the worst when everyone's pretty much sucked. But let's try.

1. Frank
   Yes, Frank just got shot, and being on anti-rejection meds means the wound isn't healing well.
   

   Understatement. But his master plan to get rid of Sammi -- playing along with all her ministrations, and secretly telling Carl to take the heroin he's supposed to mule to Michigan and tape it all to Chuckie instead -- seems to be going beautifully. If he has any qualms after both kids get arrested, you'd never know it from the joy on his face when he ends his day by sharing shots with the Alibi rat.

2. Vee
   As much pain as she's been in since the birth of her babies and her disgruntlement with Kevin's parenting style, fully committing to separation by going out with an ex and getting grossed out by his skeeviness ends up being the best thing that could happen to her, making her realize how good she has it with Kevin. (Plus she gets some surprise cunnilingus and bonus #RealTalk from Svetlana, who is not kidding around in her commitment to performing "wifely duties.")
3. Kevin
   He gets ranked this high because his day of moonlighting as a dorm drug dealer is so much fun...
   

   ...and he doesn't know about this yet.

4. Deb
   The joy of her burgeoning girlfriendship with Derek is mostly cancelled out by the guilt of not paying close enough attention to Ian, allowing him to get his hands on his meds to flush them. An uncharitable person might note that Deb's subsequent scrambling to fix her mistake -- appealing to Mickey to find her replacement meds; faking bipolar psychosis in the ER to get a prescription herself -- pushes the limits of Emma Kenney's acting ability, but she's just a kid, so I never would.
5. Lip
   The joy of this...
   

   ...and the illicit fun of his weed-dealing scheme to make tuition money (oh Lip, why didn't you listen to me and ask Amanda's dad for the money?!) are mostly cancelled out by his crippling anxiety over the possibility that he's going to squander the opportunity of being in college at all. It's...not the most conducive mindset for academic success, assuming he even ends up being able to raise enough cash to get his course schedule, which he still hasn't.

6. Chuckie
   We don't get to see his actual arrest or subsequent police interrogation, so it's hard to know how scary any of that was for him. Based on what actually makes it into the episode, Chuckie seems to think that spending a whole day with Uncle Carl is just about as good as it gets!
7. Carl
   The terror of this moment...
   

   ...seems to be cancelled out by the time Carl actually gets into an interrogation room.

   

   But it seems unlikely that his cockiness will last.

8. Fiona
   Amid all of Fiona's other worries about the future of her marriage, the thousand-mile rule -- which states that if you're that far away from your spouse, cheating doesn't count -- wasn't something she'd ever heard of, never mind thought about with regard to Gus's imminent tour. Distracting herself from her own issues by getting overly involved and yelly with Vee ends with Vee telling her off -- and rightly so -- and Fiona realizing that giving Gus space is dumb and that she needs to make sure he knows she wants to stay married to him.
   

   Because Gus is perfect, he agrees to give her another chance, and because Fiona is naïve, she thinks that means he wants her to come on tour with him. This is not the case! It is, however, probably the first time Shameless has borrowed a plotline from The Fosters.

9. Mickey & Ian
   The two of them spend the episode in an unofficial self-destructiveness contest: Ian flushing his meds, sitting outside in the cold, floating in the obviously very cold pool; Mickey drinking, shooting BBs at a pyramid of empties, drinking more. When Mickey fails to show up to bring Ian home, everyone's pretty sure it's because Ian's illness is more than he can handle, and though the episode ends with him figuring out that he needs to stop being so selfish and be with the man he loves...
   

   ...but can Ian really trust him, after Mickey failed the first big test of their relationship?

   

   Ian himself doesn't seem so sure.

10. Sammi
    I'm horrified on her behalf that Frank is the reason her innocent/simple son has been arrested on pretty serious drug charges. But if it's finally the catalyst that gets her off the show and away from her "Dyaddy," maybe it's worth it?