Beware Of Greeks Slapping Gifts

In case it somehow escaped you through the first three episodes that Hector is the son of first-generation Greek immigrants, this is the episode that makes it impossible to miss. Focusing on Manolis, Hector's father, we follow the Aposotolo patriarch as he uses his angles with an old (Greek) friend who's also a hot shot lawyer, talks about how important his (Greek) family ties are in a rapidly changing world, and visits another old (Greek) pal who's dying (Greekly). But NBC knows you might have been reading Twitter or playing Words With Friends so that some of the Greek references went over your head, so it made very sure it used its last few minutes to make its point in the least subtle way possible.

"Oh, okay -- I guess they're not Croatian." - You, according to NBC, apparently.

It's a rough couple of days for Manolis as he must come to doubt whether family really does matter above all -- and, even if it does, which of his family members he should believe above others. But who is most in need of a good old-fashioned ear-boxing? Let's count down the characters featured in this episode, from least slapworthy to most.

9. Sandi

Sandi's biggest crime in this episode is having stayed with Harry after he hit her seven years ago, keeping the incident a secret throughout that time, and involving Aisha and Hector in her deception -- so, in other words, we've just learned that she's a victim who needed help and has continued needing help and has never gotten it. She also has the temerity to invite her niece and nephew to come see Wicked on Broadway. What a bitch!

Slapworthiest Line: Other than the perfectly nice invitation, she doesn't actually have any.

8. Thanassis

Manolis's successful lawyer friend is exactly the shot in the arm Harry's defense needs! First of all, AS A GREEK, he considers the mere fact of a lawsuit's having arisen from The Slap to be bullshit: "A real American mess!" Second, when he meets with Manolis, Hector, and Harry after having looked into the case a little bit, he is on top of eeeeeeverything: he's found out about Gary's DUI and Occupy Wall Street arrests, and about a visit Social Services paid to Rosie; he knows Gary and Rosie weren't married when Hugo was born (to which Hector whines that no one cares; Thanassis says that judges and juries do); he says he wants to get Hugo evaluated by a psychiatrist of his choosing; and when he greets Harry by jovially calling him "the one who hits women and small children!" and Harry immediately reacts with heated defensiveness, Thanassis shrugs him off, saying he'll need to get Harry some beta blockers for court. Thanassis is kind of the best.

Slapworthiest Line: "That girl outside -- she keeps me up all night! Those little pills, thank God for them. Maybe we need to get you laid!"

7. Manolis

I can't fault him for wanting to insert himself in the Slap drama the best way he knows how, particularly since it's what brings Thanassis into all our lives. And his two big scenes with Aisha are nice; Brian Cox is so good, and you really believe that he adores and treasures Aisha even as he (first) wants to convince her to side with Harry over Rosie and (then) takes in her horrible story about Harry's past abuse of Sandi. And if he lets himself be convinced by Harry that Aisha's story isn't true -- or maybe it's that, even if he does believe Aisha, he's choosing to side with blood -- it's hard to blame him: Harry's a very persuasive sociopath, and Manolis is an old man who just wants to do whatever's going to get the family to Greece. (Because they're Greek.)

Slapworthiest Line: "You've spent your entire life, since you were a baby, surrounded by beautiful women. What is your secret?"

6. Aisha

I get that she feels guilty for her complicity in covering up Harry's abuse. But that's no excuse for siding with Rosie, on anything, ever.

Slapworthiest Line: When the prosecuting attorney refers to her as "Miss Cole": "Dr. Cole."

5. Hector

He manages not to listen to jazz this week, but he's still in the middle of the pack for being such a milquetoast.

Slapworthiest Line: "Rosie -- she's had emotional difficulties in the past, but that's not on the table....She's a good mother? And friends with my wife and me? And I will not be party to some sleazy lawyerly smear on her." (Thanassis: "Oooooh.")

4. Connie

Hey, Connie? If you're having some kind of emotional affair with a married man, maybe don't accost the guy's dad and start blabbing all about him like you're Paula Goddamn Broadwell.

Slapworthiest Line: "Did he tell you about the new plan for the park in The Bronx that he's working on?...He's personally in charge of the whole thing! He's so-- The whole city planning department's behind it."

3. Harry

Ugh, Harry. Don't hit your wife. Even those of us who would testify on your behalf in The People vs. The Slap knew Aisha wasn't lying even before THIS bombshell reveal.

Slapworthiest Line: "I already talked to Jay Goldman about this. He's great with this bottom-feeder stuff -- he's sharp as a tack, mean as a snake!"

2. Hugo

Though we get more evidence that his shittiness isn't really his fault (see below), he's still shitty.

Slapworthiest Line: Not so much a line.

Looks like Hugo's parents were separated at birth from Ned's!

1. Rosie & Gary

By far the best part of the generally pretty spectacular lunch date is when Thanassis says he wants a psychiatrist to evaluate Hugo to see if he has an undiagnosed rage problem, and Hector's like, "He's FIVE years old!" HE'S FIVE AND ROSIE STILL BREASTFEEDS HIM. So

Slapworthiest Line: When Hugo, Big Wheeling through the apartment, rolls up to Rosie and informs her that it's his bedtime, she says, "Just sit with me 'til I'm done with my nails." Yeah, routines and limits are for fascists, right, Rosie?