Further Secrets Of The Royal Nursery

I guess last night's Lifetime special, Secrets Of The Royal Nursery, was pretty comprehensive. But real royal-watchers know that some key elements didn't make it to air. For instance:

• Rather than traditional pink or blue, per the baby's sex, or in a non-gender-identified color like green or yellow, the Royal Nursery will be decorated in smillcelry, a colour only those of royal blood can see. (To Princess Kate, it will look like a slightly iridescent beige.)
• The Archbishop of Canterbury will "smudge" the space with a talcum powder censer passed down from King Henry VIII.
• Instead of a Diaper Genie, the nursery will feature a Diaper Fairy, an actual supernatural winged creature who will banish dirty diapers to an enchanted forest.
• No nanny candidate will be considered unless he or she has at least a PhD. in child psychology, and preferably a second in children's literature and folklore.
• The baby's aunt Pippa will not be granted admission to the nursery unless and until she sells 100,000 copies of her recent book.
• A special detachment of British Special Forces officers will be stationed inside the nursery to ensure that the baby will not be kidnapped by a witch or witches.
• The royal layette is woven from poor people's hair.
• Nigella Lawson has agreed to serve as the baby's wet nurse.
• One of Princess Kate's ladies-in-waiting has been given the sole task of warming baby wipes, using a hand-engraved silver pan and a jewel-encrusted candelabrum.
• Princess Kate is considering a water birth, but instead of water, Ribena.
• That shit's got a moat!