'Is This Some Kind Of, Like, Fetish Speed Dating Thing?'

"I'm number 2. It's the number they assigned me because I didn't know how hard it would be to find parking and I got here really early. Is that lame? OH, I SEE, 'NUMBER 2' LIKE POOP. Turn six!"

"'How do I wipe my bum?' That's your first question? Should I just volunteer the information that my name is Steve? Well, now that that's out of the way, I 'wipe my bum,' as you put it, using reusable chamois cloths that I order from a specialty retailer in Brazil, and if things work out between us, I'm going to need you to spend a couple of hours a week washing them by hand."

"I wipe my bum with my hand? ...And toilet paper! That's what that stuff is called, right? Sorry, I never read its name on the wrapper or whatever, since I just steal it from work. I got here early to clean out the supply in the bathroom in this restaurant, in fact -- it's why I'm number 1."

"Listen, lady, I'm all for a clean butt, but the only way I'm using these wet wipes is if they're left unattended in a public lavatory and I can smuggle them out in my extra-large cargo pants."

"Did you really bring wipes and a roll of toilet paper to speed dating? What kind of guy are you planning to attract? Or...oh no, is this some kind of, like, fetish speed dating thing? Because you're very cute, but I am not getting into another relationship with a girl who wants to bang me while I'm wearing a diaper. Not again."