KFC
Let's Assign Class Superlatives To All KFC's Colonels Sanders
If the company's going to keep throwing new ones at us, we're going to have to organize them.
It's been impossible not to notice, in recent years, that KFC is going through Colonels Sanders like the rest of us go through underwear. (This article purports to say why the company adopted this advertising strategy, but I still don't totally get it?) The human mind is given to categorization, so if KFC is going to serve us up half a dozen or so different Colonels at us, it's only natural that we'd want to figure out how to organize them. So with that in mind: your definitive KFC Colonels Sanders class superlatives!
Most Authentic
Let's first acknowledge what THESE KIDS TODAY might not even know: there was an actual living man whose name was actually Harland David Sanders and who really was in the U.S. Army -- just one of the many careers he held in a very colourful life -- though his title was an honorary one bestowed by the governor of Kentucky. And when I was a kid, he was still alive to star in ads for the company he founded.
Note to self: next time I replace my glasses, get those frames.
Most Likely To Burn Down A KFC Store Location
Darrell Hammond was the first actor to play Colonel Sanders in the current campaign.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fc1IShrfIek
To this viewer, at least, it made sense: Hammond is a gifted impressionist, and since his SNL days, he's had...a bit of a hard time, so it was nice to see him working again. After a relatively short time in the role, however, Hammond was replaced by Norm Macdonald, and if the viewer was confused as to why KFC decided so soon to go another way...so was Hammond, apparently.
And he's not afraid to talk about it no matter how awkward it might be for everyone else around him!
Most Likely To Shiv You With A Sharpened Chicken Bone
Then again, when you watch the very first ad starring Hammond's (first) replacement, Norm Macdonald, it's easy to empathize with Hammond's position.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPUnweyUA2k
The ad starts with Macdonald's Sanders watching one of Hammond's TV spots, angrily complaining that Hammond's is not the "real" Colonel Sanders. Then Macdonald goes on to show -- looking straight into a camera -- how little he cares about selling the illusion of his role.
If Hammond really did think he had a sacred duty from the Sanders family to portray their ancestor accurately and respectfully, as he described in that radio interview above, then that shrug from Macdonald must have felt like an extra layer of insult to Hammond.
Most Likely To Have Insisted On Sampling Every Menu Item (Twice) Before Committing To The Gig
Jim Gaffigan!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RawOT5b50Y4
No shade to Gaffigan -- I love him so much -- but he'd be the first to admit he's a fan of food that's terrible for him.
Most Cuddly
This is a tough one, since most of these fellows are sufficiently fluffy that you'd assume they're good at giving hugs. But on this one I have to give the edge to puppet Colonel Sanders, star of The Colonel Harland Sanders Show.
The puppet fingers! If they don't sell Beanie Babies-sized versions of this guy in stores, they should.
Most Likely To Spread Conspiracy Theories About Chicken, Among Other Topics
Before KFC's current "re-Colonelization" campaign, it had a different idea of how to tie the (late) brand ambassador Colonel Sanders to the product: by turning him into a cartoon!
That would be on-and-off fugitive Randy Quaid as the voice of the Colonel, who's had some differences of interpretation with regard to U.S. law of late. Will this guy and his wife squat in your guest house on the grounds that they still own it, all while publishing an email newsletter about how the "Star Whackers" are in league with Big Chicken? Maybe!
Brownest
What up, George Hamilton?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN7i5OoImRc
I feel like Hamilton's reputation as a famous tanning enthusiast may be as unknown to KFC's target market as the fact that there was once a real colonel (I mean, has anyone even joked about it since Johnny Carson retired/died?), but hey, he seems like he's having fun.
Blackest (someday, maybe)
When David Alan Grier tweeted that he'd just been hired as KFC's first black Colonel, he was just goofing around -- but it caused enough excitement to get picked up in the press, so maybe the company should consider it (that is, unless -- as Hammond suggested in the clip above -- Sanders descendants might be all weird about getting a non-white person to do it -- I mean, other than Hamilton).
Most Likely To Be Your Child's Godparent
Puppet. That kids' show was fun, but I can't shake the feeling that there are subliminal indoctrination messages in it that adults can't hear.
Hippest
This one, improbably, goes to Hamilton too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuuSGq3o1uI
Or, rather, to whomever wrote this web video, because I am certain Hamilton had no idea what ASMR was before he sat down to record it.
Worst Company On A Desert Island
Gaffigan. Even without access to one herb or spice, never mind eleven, you know he would eat you for sure.