An Orthodox Jewish-Themed Hourlong Series Offers Lox Of Dramatic Possibilities

Don't judge me, but it took me until yesterday to listen to the last new episode of This American Life, which was originally broadcast on January 17, and yes, I know, but I consume a lot of media and I listen to podcasts in a weirdly OCD order, and I already said don't judge me! (You do NOT want to know how old the oldest thing on my DVR is.) Anyway, if you also listen, you know that Act Two, "Sunrise, Sun-Get," starts with the story of Rabbi Mendel Epstein who, along with several compatriots, had been arrested for torturing a man in order to induce him to give his wife a get. Even though the story ends up being more about the practice of men withholding gets from their wives and how it leaves said wives in limbo, I was stuck on Rabbi Epstein. Even though I knew about gets, it had never occurred to me before that their value might lead some unscrupulous people to commit crimes in pursuit of them. And it gave me an idea.

I am not a crackpot. I just think Orthodox Jews could be TV's new Mormons.

I think it could start with an hourlong premium-cable drama, along the lines of Big Love. Like Mormons, the Jewish community encompasses a wide range of adherents at various levels of observance — in this case, from those who consider themselves "culturally Jewish" but who don't necessarily attend services regularly to observant Reform Jews to Orthodox to Hasidim. This hypothetical show could, like Big Love, focus on a relatively mainstream family with ties to characters engaged in sketchier and therefore more telegenically compelling pursuits — maybe a rabbi/enforcer, like the one on This American Life, or perhaps with ties to the Russian Mafia. Also as with Big Love, aside from the crime elements, there is built-in dramatic tension as various branches of the family judge one another's choices and lifestyle: what are the pros and cons of assimilation into American culture as opposed to separatism as mandated by Talmudic law?

And once this hypothetical drama has captured the public imagination, you know what comes next: the reality shows. TLC could have a whole primetime night's worth of programming with its Mormon-themed reality shows, exploring both (comparatively) mainstream plural-marriage practitioners in Sister Wives and My Five Wives, and cloistered FLDS compound life in Breaking The Faith and Escaping The Prophet. As someone who didn't meet a Jewish person until I was in graduate school (that is a true story, and what life on the Canadian prairie will get you), and who now lives in a Los Angeles neighbourhood with a high concentration of Orthodox and Hasidic Jewish families, I would be fascinated by a non-fiction look inside the community. I mean, even if it's only one day a week, being forbidden from driving in L.A. has got to be a bitch!

And once TV audiences have embraced premises that rest on the unique practices of Orthodox Jews, the path would be paved for my esteemed colleague Sarah's sitcom concept. Several years ago, Sarah took my sister and me to a famous bra store she'd read about. When we arrived, the Hasidic guy behind the counter gave us each a quick look and announced our bra sizes — and, I mean, of course he'd have to develop that skill if he couldn't, by religious law, get close enough to his customers to measure them. All kinds of wacky characters could come in and out of the shop and kibitz with the owner — I'm seeing Ron Leibman, fresh off his comedic voice role on Archer, as our lead. Series title: Cupstein's.

The only country on Earth with more Jewish citizens than the U.S. is Israel, and yet portrayals of the Orthodox experience are shockingly rare. How do adherents maintain the practices of their faith in a secular world? Do the ones who live in Los Angeles spend July through October dreaming about tank tops and shorts? And wouldn't you rather see a show about a guy who uses cattle prods to make Orthodox men formally divorce their wives than one more second of Ray Donovan? I am not a crackpot.