Battle Of The Tertiary Troublemakers

Which behaves worse on the day in question?

Alison's mother Athena (née Shelley) returns to Montauk, she says, because she "sensed that [her] mother needed [her]" -- see, she's a Reiki practitioner and an expert in "energy work," which means feelings and senses she gets are extremely influential upon her behaviour (and extremely real, wink!). She proceeds to try to take over the care of Joan, her mother, from Alison; she frets that Joan doesn't know her even though that's probably not so unusual for an Alzheimer's patient who hasn't seen her daughter in two years and may not remember, upon her reunion, that the artist currently known as Athena used to have a different name. She also complains that Joan is overmedicated even though Alison might know better with regard to pharmaceuticals given that she's a nurse. Later, Athena tags along to a family dinner at Alison's in-laws' (on Alison's obviously insincere invitation), and causes a fight by trying to supplant Alison's mother-in-law Cherry in Alison's affections and bitching that the Lockharts are trying to own Alison.

In that Whitney has just been caught participating (if not masterminding) a cyberbullying scheme that's resulted in a suicide attempt by her victim, Jodi "Skank-ho" Manko, she's certainly been behaving worse. But on the actual day, it's just denials and damage control and no making a confused old lady cry.

Winner: Athena.

Which is more of a sociopath?

Given that what we see of Athena is

• making her mother's dementia about her
• reintroducing herself to her mother by citing her "professional" "accomplishments"
• complaining that Alison didn't want to travel the world with her when Alison was an actual child
• getting jealous of Alison's bond with the Lockharts
• bragging about her many past (failed) marriages

...I feel like Athena is more of a narcissist? Whereas Whitney's defensiveness and incomprehension about her part in Jodi's suicide attempt -- i.e. "I know it seems like whatever" -- are so alarming that Noah literally calls her a sociopath, and he sure doesn't seem wrong.

Winner: Whitney.

Which is more full of shit?

Whitney is obviously lying about how big a part she played in creating a Twitter account to terrorize Jodi with, given that when asked to hand over her phone to exonerate herself she throws it into the pool instead, Athena is more full of shit overall. At her first sight of Alison: "I felt you, coming down the hall!" On a breakup: "We came to the end of our story." On her long absence (in Jaipur, where else): "Energetically, I am with you. All the time." Cram it, hippie.

Winner: Athena.

Which is more disruptive to The Affair?

In each of Noah's and Alison's versions of the day, reports of their female relatives' fuckups interrupt...well, fucking. But, of course, it's only temporary; even Helen's threat to end their Montauk visit a month early and thus part Alison and Noah comes to naught.

Winner: Since Athena figures out after meeting Noah and sensing Alison's "lust energy" that they're having an affair -- and approves, on the grounds that Alison "deserve[s] some joy" -- a slight edge on this one belongs to Whitney.

Which has worse personal style?

I mean, just look up top. Athena's in a shapeless batik-y shmatte, easily trumped by Whitney's understated yet darling floral romper.

Winner: Athena.

Verdict

I'm not wild about the fact that I'm less bothered by a cyberterrorist shithead teenager who even thinks she might be beyond help than I am by a cotton-headed old pinko. But I gotta be me. Death to hippies!

Winner: Athena.