The Amazing Race Lets Its All-Stars Play With Some Asses

La Civita Loca

The teams are still in Italy and will remain in Italy, but now they're journeying from Rome to Civita di Bagnoregio, which is apparently the town that donkeys built. Brendon and Rachel are the first to leave the Pit Stop and easily hold their lead, which is a good thing for them because everyone knows there's a Double U-Turn on the horizon -- and no one is more freaked out about it than the Afghanimals, who remind us that they're the only team to survive being U-Turned twice. (Guys: it's not like you set a new long jump record, so please chill out about your place in history.)

The Detour: Donkey Run vs. Donkey Build. Option 1 is, you go down to a town square and ride donkeys three laps around a band playing a song; if you complete your laps before the song ends, you're done. Option 2 requires you to build a (very cute) wooden donkey toy with the parts provided (there's a finished example, but no instructions), but there's a craftsman there to check your work, and he won't let you proceed unless you do it right. Brendon and Rachel go with Donkey Run, and it's kind of a (donkey) shit show from the start -- literally, as they choose the animals who shit in front of them. Then Rachel falls off, which is not as funny as you'd think. Eventually they pull it off, and they're on their way out as Dave and Connor -- who were supposed to be the lead car for the Country Singers, but lost them in traffic (which the Singers incorrectly interpret as intentional gameplay) -- are arriving. Connor and Dave are kind of annoyed that Rachel and Brendon ignore their queries about where to get helmets and stuff, but you can't really blame Brenchel since they're hauling ass (heh) to the board to U-Turn Dave and Connor...

...who discover this after (a) they've just had to do four attempts at Donkey Run and (b) with Jet and Cord, who've decided to Express Pass it, are standing right behind them, trying not to make a smell so that Dave and Connor don't notice them and share the U-Turn pain with them. Perhaps because they don't want to have to look Cord and Jet in the eyes in the second after doing it, Connor and Dave decide to spare them, and U-Turn Leo and Jamal instead, though they have the decency to tell the Afghanimals so just as they're pulling up to the Detour; the thinking is that now they might as well all just go do Donkey Build together, and then Leo and Jamal will do Donkey Run next. Jet and Cord are like, HOW DID WE EVEN, but they don't question it and move on to the Road Block.

Ink Masters

DID YOU KNOW that before printing presses, manuscripts were painstakingly copied by hand? Of course you did, you're not an idiot. Anyway, that's the Road Block: you have to copy an illuminated manuscript page -- not just the calligraphic script but the gold leaf and all that jazz -- and get it okayed by a monk. Rachel, who arrives first with Brendon, is pretty confident, because she "did calligraphy" as a kid and also is "an artist." I thought she was a scientist, but whatever. Also confident? Brendon, who posts up like a creeper at a window and hisses, "I believe in you! You, me, and God: we're unstoppable!" Yikes.

Back at Donkey Build, it seems like Dave/Connor and Leo/Jamal are coming along pretty well when the Singers roll up. Dave and Connor insist that they waited at a traffic circle for them, and it seems like the Singers kind of believe them and kind of don't, but now's not the time. This turns into one of those things where the contestants are like, what are we doing wrong, and the editors keep flashing on the thing they fucked up -- in this case, that none of the amateur carpenters has figured out that the thing that looks like three hinged crates isn't a stand or a platform or whatever; it's supposed to hang across the donkey's back. Leo and Jamal decide to go knock out Donkey Run, and ask Dave and Connor to come tell them what they missed if D&C figure it out, though as they take off, they don't seem that sure that Dave and Connor will check back in, and why would they.

Hey, remember Flight Time and Big Easy? When they finally find their way to the Detour, Dave and Connor and the Singers are leaving, and Leo and Jamal have switched donkeys for their second, victorious attempt. And while Jet and Cord are goofing around putting their hats on the monks at the Road Block, and Leo and Jamal are putting to good use the crate advice Dave and Connor gave them while running past the race course, Flight Time and Big Easy are just getting on their donkeys. Right away, Big Easy gets frustrated with his balky donkey and wants to bail and Build instead, but Flight Time tells him they should try it at least once; instead, they trade mounts with each other, but that doesn't help, and Flight Time is persuaded to Build. Guess what? They are also snookered by the mysterious crate. They amuse themselves (and lighten the mood) by cracking up the carpenter...

...as Rachel and Jet continue to struggle with their manuscript pages as the Singers and Dave/Connor pull up. There's some testy words between Dave and Brendon about the U-Turn, as if Brenchel cheated or something, which is always worth skipping. And then Rachel's second attempt passes muster, and they're off, with Dave sarcastically miming behind them and not exactly covering himself with glory or class. And Flight Time and Big Easy, who never crack the crate problem, go back to Donkey Run. Aw, guys. But then they do it! Aw, guys!

Funicular Spectacular

Moments after Jet is passed for his manuscript page, Brenchel are first to the Pit Stop in Orvieto, and win $7500 cash each. Weird amount, but sure.

The Singers are next out of the Road Block, and then we cut back to the Globetrotters, reminding each other of past teams who've overcome bigger deficits to win (or, at least, not be eliminated). "So anything is possible," says Flight Time. I mean, it is and it isn't. And then, juxtaposed with their optimism, we cut back to Connor, so sure his page isn't going to be good enough that he tells Dave he just wants to take a penalty. But when Leo's page is passed, he and Jamal decide they're going to take a page from The Big Dave Book Of Character, and Leo goes back in to ask Connor if he needs any help. This apparently doesn't cost the Afghanimals anything -- they know the Globetrotters must be far behind, anyway -- and Connor's page is swiftly passed.

Next to the mat are the Cowboys (second). And then Flight Time is all alone doing his manuscript page, with painstaking concentration. We get shots of both the Singers and Dave and Connor being flummoxed by directions to Orvieto, and then the Afghanimals pass them both and end up third to the funicular.

"I'm feeling good about it," says Flight Time. "Anything is possible. Always staying positive, kids. Whenever you're faced with adversity, just stay positive, whatever it is in life. Don't give up." Snif! I WON'T, FLIGHT TIME! I WILL FINISH THIS POST!!!

Afghanimals arrive third to the mat with a flurry of fake Italian that I personally consider a hate crime.

Dave and Connor are fourth; Caroline and Jennifer are fifth. Does Dave whine more about the U-Turn? He does. "We're playing hardball from now on," says Connor," and we're coming for them." From fourth place? Good luck.

Big Easy says they want to go out "as the Racers that we are," and they do, with a lot of class and grace and no talk of taking penalties. "It just wasn't our day," says Big Easy, but he thinks they had more fun this time than the last. "We must be doing something right if we got a chance to come back and do it three times," says Flight Time. Love these guys! Why even keep watching this season?!

Verdict

Unless you love the Globetrotters so much that you must have the closure that comes of witnessing their elimination, this episode is a snoooooooooz.