You Can't Break Into The Arpanet Without Roughing Up Some REALLY Unprepared Nerds

You Might Be Able To Hide Your Lying Eyes

Alert Type: Polygraph Alert.

Issue: As we learned last time, Stan wants Nina to take a polygraph test.

Complicating Factors: Well, you know. Polygraph tests are used to detect lies, which she is full of.

Resolution: She tells Arkady and Oleg about the test request, and they tell her she'll have to do it -- but Oleg says he can teach her how to beat it. Nina's like, does that work? and Arkady's like, totally! (But then she leaves and Arkady asks Oleg, ...okay, but like, IS it possible? and Oleg's like, [shrug].) Still, Oleg arranges for Nina to take a practice polygraph test so that he can teach her how to pass it -- which doubles as a real polygraph test when he asks her things like whether she's always been truthful with Oleg (looks like no) -- and gives her some tips. One is for her to pick an empty corner of the safe house and imagine him there. Another: "Squeeze your anus."

Spoiler: Nina's anus is pretty powerful.

Notes On Camp

Who called the meeting? Philip and Elizabeth.

What's it about? Lucia's infiltration of the Contra training camp, with Larrick's help.

How'd it go? It starts kind of awkward, with Lucia giving Elizabeth the kind of backstory (a journalist dad who was disappeared) that makes you think it's just there to make you empathize with someone who's going to be killed ANY SECOND. (She also asks Elizabeth about her own father, though Elizabeth's not forthcoming, saying only that he was a "worker," and, when pressed, that he mined coal.) Anyway, Philip arrives soon enough, seeming testy that Lucia's seen Larrick already. She casually says that Larrick was giving a talk on Nicaragua and that she went, sat in the audience, had no contact with him, and is certain he wouldn't recognize her because she was one of hundreds in attendance. Philip clearly still isn't thrilled with her, but pushes through: Larrick's going to get her instructor credentials and drive her onto the base. Elizabeth pulls out a map and shows her where the switch is for the electrified fence that she'll need to turn off so they can cut into it, and where Larrick will be. So: productive meeting! Let's get on with the...probably killing people?

Slow Down, Egghead!

Alert Type: Arpanet Alert.

Issue: Philip is laying the groundwork to plant a gigantic "bug" Kate's given him on "the IMP," a computer server, by posing as a journalist and getting the lowdown on what this whole "Arpanet" thing is from Thane Rosenbloom, a professor of Computer Science.

Complicating Factors: In order to get in the door and help sell his identity as a reporter, he's had to enlist the assistance of his drunk old comrade/pinko journalist Charles Duluth, who's not so much with the reliable.

Resolution: Charles successfully does a leave-behind with his glasses on Rosenbloom's desk while Rosenbloom takes 500 years to blow Philip's mind by describing what this show's whole audience already knows as "the internet."

Spoiler: Even though the glasses drop works out, Philip probably needs another Charles.

Not Cool, Bro

With Philip posted across the way with a sniper rifle, Elizabeth takes a meeting with Larrick about their upcoming mission with Lucia. Except, whoops, Larrick can't do it now: he's on his way to Nicaragua for six months as part of an operation to mine the harbour in Managua. Elizabeth can't really unload on him for fucking with their plan since (a) he kind of has to keep up his cover, (b) she's scared he might kill her or her family, and (c) he's a valuable asset, but she clearly wants to, particularly given how casual he is about it. Come on, man, you're part of a covert operation already! Don't be a frenemy, be a buddy! If you didn't want to play along then maybe you shouldn't have been in the military and gay in the early '80s!

That Wasn't Part Of The Plan, Blackheart

Lucia and Elizabeth arrange an accidental jogging meet-up so that Elizabeth can tell her that even though Larrick won't be on the base, he's still going to help Lucia get on and go through with the mission. Lucia goes from 0 to bitchcakes in about one second, yelling that he has to be there because she was going to kill him. Elizabeth's like, jigga-what? Lucia says that Larrick's responsible for killing hundreds of Nicaraguans and that she needs to settle the score. Elizabeth calmly explains that Larrick is an asset they need, and that the overall Communist project is bigger than Lucia's personal issues with him: "Larrick is a monster, but he is our monster." Lucia stomps away with murder in her heart (as usual, I guess).

Winner: Elizabeth -- particularly after we see her go home to report on the encounter to Philip and pretty much says they need to keep an eye on Lucia as a possible strategic murder candidate. (Or maybe we're just supposed to see how much of herself Elizabeth sees in Lucia, viz "She burns hot." "That sounds like someone I know," Philip drily responds.)

Intellivision!

There's only one home entertainment system so entertaining that it's worth spying on your neighbours, waiting for them to go out of town, finding their spare key, and letting yourself into their empty house to play, and that's Intellivision! We know you might have parents who bought you a telescope for your birthday instead, but we also know that you're going to do what you've got to do because fun won't be denied! And why not also steal an apple while you're at it? INTELLIVISION!

Run And Tell That (Lie)

Situation: Nina's taking a polygraph test for the FBI.

What Makes It Awkward? If she tells the actual truth about her double agent-iness, she'll be in big trouble and/or her family in the Soviet Union could be killed.

How is order restored? It all goes off exactly as Oleg had said it would -- including when the polygrapher pretends there was some ambiguity about one of her responses, and would she like to clarify it? (Nina: "No.") -- and through a combination of corner-staring and anus-squeezing, Nina passes and remains in Stan's good books (or, if you will, good files).

Charles rolls back into the university building after hours saying he left his glasses on Rosenbloom's desk! Even though (judging by the way Charles reads his name tag) Raymond The Security Guard doesn't know Charles, he totally hands over the key to Rosenbloom's office, asking nothing but a piece of ID to hold as collateral! DOESN'T HE KNOW THERE ARE SIXTY-TON COMPUTERS IN THERE?!

Charles finds a door code in Rosenbloom's desk and writes it on his hand like the worthless, sweaty, drunken idiot he is!

He goes upstairs to the computer lab, but even though it was supposed to be empty, it totally isn't!

Dirtbag Philip and his Rolling Garbage Can Of Gigantic Old-Fashioned Bug tell Charles he MUST CHILL!

Stan tells Nina that now that she's passed the test, the FBI will try to get her out! But she doesn't want to leave him! What about Oleg? She says she can handle him! He's going to get the reports Oleg wants so that he can keep Nina safe! Nina: "We're together now. Forever, yes?" Stan: "Yes"! STAN! YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED! TO A CRAZY LADY, BUT STILL!

Back at the university, Philip goes down to the basement, flips a bunch of switches, and sets off the alarm!

While everyone else evacuates, Philip meets back up with stupid Charles, whose stupid hand is totally smudged, but he manages to remember the digits and dictate them to Philip, who lets himself into the lab!

Philip opens the server and hooks up the "bug," which is the size of like seven netbooks taped together!

Some poor bastard comes back in to get his wallet and notices that something's not right!

And then Dirtbag Philip is looking kind of clammy as he wheels his garbage can out of the lab!!!

When Philip, out of his dirtbag drag, meets back up with Charles in a nice oaky bar, Charles is in an expansive mood and feeling victorious! Philip is disgusted, and tells Charles he had to kill someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time! Charles is like, "It's your job"! And then claims to be drinking cranberry and soda and dares Philip to taste it! Philip doesn't! Charles drains it, and leaves! And when Philip asks the bartender for "whatever he had," it's cranberry and vodka, DUN! Say hi to Lucia when you meet up with her on the shit list, Charles! AND FINALLY...