Fighting Words

"Don't Make Me Bingo Out On 'Stalked'"

What's the game? Scrabble.

Who's playing? Gabriel and Philip.

What's at stake? Just the fate of the Soviet Union, as usual. ...Okay, that's not what they're literally playing for, but as they trade turns, they go over the intel they've been able to collect on the CIA agents who were present at Yousaf's impromptu bar meeting in the last episode. The guy we saw initially knock on Yousaf's hotel room door and apparently the HBIC is Isaac Breland, but like basically everyone else on the team, he's "squeaky clean": he's a widower who spends his free time raising money for the hospital where his wife died. But what's this? Ted Passwell has his house on the market and reduced the price twice already? HMMMMMM. They also talk about Paige's recruitment some more without arriving at a decision, but what else is new.

Who wins? We cut away before the final score is announced, but I don't like Philip's chances if he's going to consider challenging Gabriel on "phlox."

Follow The Lederhosen

Martha, My Dear

Apparently the file robot is the new water cooler because Agent Aderholt -- the guy who was with Gaad the night they almost apprehended Elizabeth and who got motorcycled for his troubles -- is sure lingering there talking to Martha for a while! She's cordial but not especially warm in their banal chitchat about whether the filebot actually increases office efficiency, but he doesn't seem to take her chilliness amiss: when he says he prefers to hand-deliver files and she remarks that it's a waste of time, he begs to differ: "Talking to you is not a waste of time." Somewhere, Clark just rolled his eyes and shook his head without knowing exactly why.

What better way to start collecting blackmail material on this sad sack Ted Passwell than by attending the open house on his twice-reduced home?

As Elizabeth pretends to give a shit about the toy-filled sunroom downstairs, Philip creeps up to Ted's study to see what he can find! After sticking a bug in a drawer, Philip notices that, conveniently, a state-of-the-art fifty-pound "mobile phone" is out in plain sight, and he (I assume) bugs that too!

Elizabeth is downstairs in the front hall when, OMG, Passwell comes home to get something he forgot in his study!

And Philip has his whole torso buried in the closet looking at cancelled cheques when Passwell himself enters! Philip casually apologizes for his nosiness, but Passwell is REMARKABLY CHILL about it for a CIA agent, shrugging that rooting around in closed storage areas is what open houses are for! And then, off Philip's contention that what attracts him to this house is this very home office, Passwell darkly advises against using this room for that purpose if Philip ends up buying the house! "If you have a home office, you use it: you come home, barely have dinner, and keep working. You bring work home, and your wife starts to resent it -- and resent you. Next thing you know...anyway." And then he's gone, with the bugged phone! Point Russkies!

Back To The USSR (?)

Alert Type: Relocation Alert.

Issue: Oleg's connected dad has used some of his connections to call Oleg back to Moscow.

Complicating Factors: As we saw all last season, Oleg's kind of really into American creature comforts and especially technology. He'd be closer to Nina, I guess, but aren't we supposed to think she's going to be executed any minute?

Resolution: Arkady tells Oleg about the recall order, but assures him, "In my rezidentura, it's up to my officers if they transfer back early or not."

Spoiler: How you gonna keep 'em down on the dacha after they've seen Farrah Fawcett's erect nipples?

Speaking Of Nipples...

Situation: Paige has gone into Henry's unattended room to collect his laundry.

What makes it awkward? As she's puttering around, she finds a well-thumbed photo fragment featuring Sandra Beeman in her Bee-kini.

How is order restored? Though Paige initially reacts in kind of a mean way, in her shock -- "Are you in love with her or something?" -- Henry shrieks, "It's not even mine!" (um, obviously) and tears out of the room, whereupon Paige decides he's a human being who's entitled to his MILF photo and sadly leaves it on his desk. Aw. (But also ew.)

The Following

It's kind of hard to capture in text how great this whole sequence is, so you'll have to trust me. What starts it all off happens right when Philip and Elizabeth are leaving the open house, and have tuned their own radio to listen to the about-to-be-divorced Passwell as he drives around listening to "I'm All Out Of Love." (Elizabeth: "If he starts singing, he's had it.") Then they hear him pick up Kimberly, his teenaged babysitter, who is flirting with him REAL hard. The diabolical genius of this show and how it manipulates the viewer's sympathies has us -- or me, anyway -- perversely rooting for Passwell to take Kimberly up on her pretty obvious offer because it will give Philip and Elizabeth something to blackmail him with. But they don't even get a chance to start strategizing about how to proceed with what seems to be a statutory rape in the offing before Elizabeth tells Philip that a silver Lincoln Versailles has been following them for the better part of the day. We then cut from them, having driven around for hours (Philip Sharpie-ing their turns on a map), to the FBI, co-ordinating with the CIA on how to proceed with their targets. Early on, Elizabeth barely slows down coming around the corner...

...and Philip rolls out the passenger door, between some parked cars, and finds a pay phone, where he calls the new operator to give her the signal that Elizabeth needs an extraction. And then it's, like, several extremely tense minutes as a shitload of FBI and CIA agents radio each other their locations and Elizabeth, seemingly all alone as they all descend on her. But eventually, one of her colleagues gets on the radio frequency and floods it with feedback, and another (I think) causes several of the agents to get into a multi-car accident behind her, giving Elizabeth the opening to abandon her car and haul ass to her chauffeur. This feels like JUST ABOUT the closest close call we've seen on the show, and it's seriously exhausting to watch. WELL DONE, SHOW.

The White Stuff

In the aftermath of failing to apprehend Elizabeth, Aderholt tells Stan he heard that Stan had gone undercover with some white supremacists in Arkansas; he says he'd like to take Stan out for a beer to hear some war stories, and Stan says that though he's fine with a beer, he'd rather not go through it again. He's about to go resume babysitting his defector when Aderholt stops him with one question.

Now, even though Philip has told her many times that he doesn't want kids, fucking Martha wants a foster child. Here's her awesome argument: "It's temporary so you can try it out." GOOD LUCK, KID! She sits in his lap to make her entreaty, and somehow he fails to give her a firm no! WHAT THE HELL?!

Elizabeth is meeting back up with Hans, who's coming along nicely in the observation drills she's been putting him through! She brings up his leading compliment from their last meeting, and though we think she's going to do what Philip suggested and lead Hans on a little bit -- which is the whole point of women recruiting (straight) men -- but instead she very kindly explains that she's with someone and doesn't want to screw it up! Hans respectfully assures her that it won't happen again, but maybe he should do a little extracurricular surveillance -- Elizabeth might not have so much rectitude on this issue if she knew about Martha and Clark's tour through the Kama Sutra!

Philip returns to Gabriel to recap what he and Elizabeth learned from the open house! Even though they totally almost got pinched like a day ago, the Jenningses want to go after Passwell -- nowhere near close enough to be seen -- to get him on tape totally boning a teenager! Gabriel says, "Not everything is worth the risk, Philip," and Philip sneers his agreement! OOOOOH! Philip finally allows that "Paige is strong, like her mother," and that if they were to bring her in, anything could happen! Gabriel wisely points out that the same is true of anyone! He rhetorically asks whether Philip would like Gabriel to guarantee him that everything will be okay with Paige, and since Philip can't answer, he says, "Paige will have a choice." Philip pouts that she's only fourteen, and Gabriel repeats, "There's always a choice"! Philip implores Gabriel to consider the facts: Paige grew up in the U.S.! She's had an easy life! She's not equipped to deal with the question The Centre wants to ask her! And then, before Gabriel can even answer...

...Philip basically throws a hissy and stomps out! EASY, HOOKER!

Tatiana and Oleg meet with Arkady so he can tell them about the intel Philip's brought from Northrop: the Americans are apparently building a new stealth plane! "Bomber," Oleg pompously corrects him! WE GET IT, GENIUS! At the door, Oleg stops and tells Arkady he's going to stay! So I guess if his dad's plan was to bring him home for a surprise wedding to Nina, she's going to be pretty bummed!

As Charles Duluth, the plant journalist, interviews Zinaida the defector on TV, Stan watches her on the monitor, WAAAAAAY TOO CLOSE!

And then the 5000th conversation between Philip and Elizabeth about WHAT TO DO ABOUT PAIGE is interrupted by the sound of Kimberly throwing herself at Passwell some more! Guys, you'll never guess, but the guys in her class are really immature! She wants a MAN! Elizabeth immediately wants to get close enough to get photos, and as they drive by closer, Kimberly quits being coy: "You go through a breakup, and what you really need is good, hot sex." Passwell sternly turns her down and threatens to tell her father...

...which is perfect timing because they just pulled up to her house and said father is standing in the doorway and OMG IT'S THE HEAD WIDOWER IN CHARGE! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER HIS NEXT FATHER'S DAY IS GOING TO BE SUPES AWKWARD!!!!!