What Other Important-Issue Miniseries Will The Slap Inspire?

I won't be watching The Slap. My esteemed colleague Tara Ariano has it more than covered, and the IMDb's description -- "A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart following a seemingly minor incident in which a man slaps another couple's misbehaving child" -- implies the sort of turgidly self-serious debate-club exercise I'm better off laughing at Tara's zingers about than actually watching. Also, I already live in the 11215, so this is information I don't need more of.

But with network executives willing to elevate a Brooklyn parentretemps to Crash-level event-television status, and A-list acting talent willing to participate (please tell me someone in NBC's programming department considered calling The Slap "Spock-Clocked"), it's only a matter of time before various other trifling controversies get their own eight weeks of glory. Tara, Dave, and I put together a short, by no means comprehensive list of upcoming Slap-pish miniseries to aid in your DVR scheduling. - SDB.

The Clap

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart following scandalous gonorrhea diagnoses among the Ozzie's cafe mommy klatch. But who's Patient Zero?

The Slurp

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when little Asa simply will not give up on the last few drops of that extra-large Fiber Gulp from the Food Co-op. LET IT GO, ASA. Mommy's getting a migraine.

The Scab

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when -- didn't I tell you to quit pickin' that thing? Well, so quit pickin' at it, it's gonna get infected! ...Hyacinth! What did I just say! ...Fine, you're in time-out, young lady. Time-out chair. Go. Five minutes, and sit on your hands.

The Flap

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when Emma's stupid cheaty husband won't get a haircut.

The Slacks

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when a tactless pre-schooler bags on Pippa's normcore mom jeans.

The Slaw

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when stay-at-home dad Victor carelessly allows little Madison to eat the coleslaw at the Purity Diner. Is he exposing her to salmonella, or defying the helicopter-parent norms of his nabe?

The Shrimp

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when five-year-old Addison double-dips in the cocktail sauce. Nobody thinks twice about Aunt Buntsy bellowing "GROSS, BRO" directly into his face...until the cops show up.

The Flip-Flop

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when that hippie moron Angela decides it's okay for her kids to attend a funeral wearing thongs. At least run a washcloth between their toes, Ange, Jesus H. Mazzilli.

The Andy Capp

A never happy couple continues somehow not to fall apart as Andy's predilection for alcoholism, footie, and abuse has as little effect on Flo -- and is as resolutely unfunny -- as ever.

The Chip Clip

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when that brat Sadie leaves a bag of Ketchup Lay's gaping open overnight. How many goddamn times do her parents have to tell her that a bendy chip is worse than no chip at all?!

The Slap Chop

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when Olivia develops an early-onset as-seen-on-TV addiction. Should her parents sue Ronco for stealing their daughter's childhood? Or is their own permissive parenting responsible for Olivia's compulsive julienning of carrots, cushions, and crayons? (Spoiler: it is.)

The Mail Chimp

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when a debate over fast-forwarding through sponsor messages on podcasts turns violent during a school field trip to Puppetworks.

The Slappr

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when the twins can't agree on who came up with whack-tracking app The Slappr. Sure, Nigel coded most of it, but it's Simon who came up with key features like the impact gauge -- and their Instagrapple over bragging rights is tearing their parents' marriage apart.

The Vape

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when little Esther calls her art teacher a "douche" for smoking an e-cig at the pottery wheel.

The Slapshot

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when the competition for parts in the Slapshot remake heats up at Prospect Park's LeFrak Center rink. Which hockey dad will go too far?!

The Sylap

A once happy Heroes remake suddenly begins to circle the drain when the addition of adorable moppets to the list of characters proves a super-powered mistake.

The Slope

A once happy family suddenly begins to fall apart when all the characters are played by bunches of kale wearing bike helmets.