'Hello, You've Reached Unlucky Old Lady Inc.!'

No One Likes It When You Come Too Fast, Hans #DickWeek

Who called the meeting? Elizabeth.

What's it about? Hans's future as a Communist spy.

How'd it go? It's an emotional roller coaster! Hans is super-psyched that last week's kidnap/murder went so well, but Elizabeth's like, everyone who didn't put the operation at risk take one step forward, NOT SO FAST, HANS. After letting him pat himself on the back for a while, she says she thinks Todd saw him when they were leaving the factory. "That's not possible," says Hans -- a little too confidently for my taste -- so Elizabeth explains that he came down too soon and she saw him. "You think you saw me, but you don't know for sure," says Hans. Elizabeth says she doesn't have to know for sure: this is over. Hans gets a little panicky as he protests: "You've trained me well -- we've worked so hard....I want to serve, I want to be of use to our cause." "You will," says Elizabeth soothingly. "You'll just serve in other ways." Ugh, don't give him hope, now he's just inflamed!

What's On The Menu At Martha's?

Is it possible that the slow-motion car crash that is "Clark"'s marriage to Martha might actually end well for him, somehow? This homely dinner Martha's prepared seems to suggest that it will!

Pasta with fresh basil and plum tomatoes: Martha had been thinking of making linguine with clams, but then "the tomatoes looked too good"! Mmmm, it's always better when you cook with ingredients that are in season, good call, Martha!!!

Baby carrots and corn: No baby anything: Children's Services just happens to call right before Martha's about to set the table, and she tells whomever's on the other end of the phone that they've reconsidered fostering or adoption, since it's not the right time. After she hangs up, she meets Clark's side-eye steadily: "It's unrealistic to think about children. Not now. It's unrealistic. Clark? It's okay. Really. It's fine. I'm fine. I just needed to know, and now I do. Okay?" Yeah, that's okay with Clark!

Intel Soup: Clark is still collecting himself at the table when Martha, "conversationally," "mentions," "Gaad is under so much pressure with this investigation. I'm not sure he's going to make it. He lost his cool yesterday in a way that he never has before. He actually attacked the mail robot, and Gene couldn't fix it. They're sending it out for repairs." She manages to stop herself from meaningfully catching Clark's eye and saying "WINK" out loud.

The Defector Detectives

Alert Type: Shady Defector Alert.

Issue: Stan's brought Oleg his suspicions that Zinaida is not actually a legit defector, and Oleg's convinced enough to want to pursue it.

Complicating Factors: Neither of them can look into it in any official way.

Resolution: Stan arranges for Oleg to get into Zinaida's hotel room and, at gunpoint, offer her a deal: she'll recant everything she's said about the war in Afghanistan and return to the USSR, where she'll be fêted as a hero, "a lost daughter of the revolution who was seduced by the west." Zinaida doesn't say anything either way that suggests Oleg and Stan are right about her true motives -- and also, when Stan comes in, to make the whole setup look legit, Oleg has to attack Stan and escape the room past him, bloodying his head in the process.

Spoiler: Selling the cover scenario may not make Stan look like a super-great FBI agent.

Hans vs. Todd

Poor Todd the pawn is just rolling along at his work-study job (I assume) when Hans comes out of nowhere...

...and SHOOTS HIM IN THE FUCKING EYE. Now, either Elizabeth just gave him a starter gun or he's a terrible shot, because even though from what we can tell, the shot blew Todd's eye out, and then...

...didn't go any further? To his brain? Because he's still alive enough to struggle with Hans for a WHILE. (Also, when Hans tries to shoot Todd again, he discovers that Elizabeth gave him the Barney Fife treatment.) Anyway, these two very inept goofs scuffle for a while before Hans finally gets on top of Todd and strangles him to death.

Winner: Hans, but it really seems like it should have been faster and more decisive, right?

Gaad's Rage Meltdown Is The USSR's Opportunity!

Who called the meeting? Gabriel, presumably.

What's it about? Philip's told Elizabeth and, subsequently, Elizabeth, that Martha has figured out Clark is not actually the OPR agent in charge of her office, and also that the mail robot's out for repairs.

How'd it go? Everyone's really tense and second-guessing each other. While Philip is confident that Martha will be able to keep her shit together no matter how long the bug investigation goes on, Elizabeth points out that he's never seen Martha under the type of pressure she's going to face. Philip is sure she'll protect "Clark," and Gabriel agrees...before adding that the Centre wants them to go to the facility where the mail robot's being repaired and bug it. Then Philip gets protective of Martha, assuming the Centre will want her to switch out the tapes. "That's not my understanding of how the operation will go," says Gabriel calmly, explaining that they have a bunch of other lower-level workers in the building who could do it. "You should trust the organization," he adds. Seems like the kind of thing an untrustworthy person would say, but would a real dastard be that good at Scrabble?!

Don't Encourage Hans!

I don't know any spoilers, so this is pure speculation, but doesn't it seem like when Hans tells Elizabeth how he went off-book and killed Todd all on his own when NO ONE told him to, this is a sign that he's not great at taking direction and thus is dangerous? "I did what I had to do to keep working with you"? That's stalker talk! I do not even KIND OF get why Elizabeth is all commiserating with him about how murder seldom goes the way you expect. THIS DUDE IS GOING TO FUCK UP YOUR SHIT.

Betty Trouble

Betty, Willing And Able To Talk Your Ear Off

After getting through some initial unpleasantries, Betty -- like all old ladies -- can't help talking all about her life and family, and the fact that Elizabeth is an intruder doesn't slow her down at all. Elizabeth, were you wondering what your hostage's late husband Gil did in the war or whether freeing Jews from concentration camps shook his faith? Guess you aren't anymore! Eventually, Betty asks for a glass of water, and Elizabeth goes to get it (unplugging the phone and taking it with her first); after making a quick stop to catch up Philip, who's working on planting the bug, and hinting around that maybe she would rather NOT kill this nice old lady -- who shares her (fake) name and whom she maybe has a soft spot for given her distance from her own (dying) old lady ("She picked a bad time," says Philip -- in other words, no dice) -- the talk gets real.

Into Darkness...And Then Out Again

As Betty continues eating her pills, she continues making conversation with Elizabeth, and -- again, as usual with an old lady -- asking Elizabeth if she's married is really just Betty setting herself up for her own story: she and Gil were married twice! After they got divorced, he married Helen, Betty's best friend; when Helen died, Betty and Gil got married again and were much happier this time. Starting to fade, Betty asks, "Did Gil send you?" "Yes," says Elizabeth quietly. "Did he tell you I'm afraid of pain?" Elizabeth nods. "Is he with Helen?" Betty asks, her voice breaking. Elizabeth assures her that he's not. As Betty starts to cry, she tells Elizabeth, "I don't want anything to happen to Andy. He's a good-- He's a good son." Elizabeth says, "Nothing's going to happen to him," and when Betty presses her, she promises. GEE, MAKE SURE HANS DOESN'T HEAR ABOUT ANY OF THIS BEFORE YOU GO MAKING PROMISES, ELIZABETH.

Betty: Do you have children?

Elizabeth: Yes.

Betty: And this is what you do?

Elizabeth: Sometimes.

Betty: By yourself?

Elizabeth: With my husband.

Betty: Why?

Elizabeth: To make the world a better place.

Betty: You think doing this will make the world a better place?

Elizabeth: I'm sorry, but it will.

Betty: That's what evil people tell themselves when they do evil things.

Betty goes to reach for another pill, but she can't; her head tilts back as she death-rattles, and then -- apparently just before Philip finishes planting the bug downstairs -- she's gone.

At the FBI, a sheepish Stan has apparently just finished telling Gaad and Aderholt all about how a totally unknown assailant attacked him in Zinaida's room! Gaad guesses that the guy came in through the window (no one mentions the adjoining room, which: why would they even put someone with Zinaida's high value as a target in a room that HAS an adjoining room?!), but Aderholt suggests that maybe the attacker was in the room all along, and Gaad asks whether Stan checked it before letting Zinaida in! Stan's tone as he curtly says "Yeah" is so withering that I think my testicles crawl back up into my body! Off this laconic version of bitchiness, Gaad asks if Stan's all right, and Stan says that other than a headache, he's fine! Aderholt asks the second dumb question of the scene, which is whether Stan's taken any aspirin! HEY, ADERHOLT, I KNOW YOUR BOSS STARTED IT, BUT IT'S OKAY TO LET SOME OF THESE OPPORTUNITIES GO BY! Stan says he did, and Aderholt tells him he should chase it with beer! I guess Stan looks like a beer sounds pretty good because Gaad sends him home, and promises to beef up Zinaida's security! As Stan takes off, Gaad and Aderholt exchange a Significant Look! No more of Aderholt's Hints From Heloise today? I'll have to check his blog!

Later, Oleg slides into Stan's car, in which Stan has taken Aderholt's advice, beerwise! Oleg reports that Zinaida didn't break or confess or panic! Stan says she might have been in shock, thinking she was going to die! He asks whether anyone's said anything about the incident at the Rezidentura, and Oleg says there's been nothing yet! Stan throws back some aspirin straight from the bottle and chases it with more beer, offering Oleg one! Oleg declines, and after asking after Stan's head, he apologizes for having hit him so hard! After a moment, Oleg changes his mind and takes a beer after all, and as Stan hands it to him, he keeps a tight grip and glares into Oleg's eyes as he grumbles, "Wasn't just a little part of you that wanted to crack my head open?" Oleg doesn't answer, but then again, his fist and/or gun butt already did!

And then Gabriel and a VERY testy Philip are playing Scrabble! When Gabriel compliments Philip on playing "geode," Philip crabbily tells him not to do that! Gabriel then gets him back for his sourness by playing "amatory"! "Where do you come up with this stuff?" asks Philip, and Gabriel replies, "I love words. They leave a trail." He gets very first-year Linguistics about it, drawing a comparison between the Latin-derived "amatory" ("loving, devoted, adoring") and the Norse "wedlock," which means "perpetual battle" -- maybe the two words AND CONCEPTS have nothing in common at all, GET IT? "One is a bolt of lightning -- an epiphany; and the other is planting, tilling, tending. It's hard work." Philip, irritated, says he's trying to concentrate, and then plays "sphinx" for 59 points! After a moment, he says, "When I first saw Elizabeth, it felt like a--" "A bolt of lightning," Gabriel finishes. Philip says it's never happened to him before or since! Gabriel informs Philip that Elizabeth rejected the first two officers who were presented to her as her possible American husbands: "In her own way, she chose you." Philip says it's never felt that way to him! "Nevertheless, it's true," says Gabriel sagely. Finally, he asks what's up Philip's ass (I'm paraphrasing), reminding him that he's not in this alone: Elizabeth loves him, and so does Gabriel! UH OH, THAT OPENED THE FLOODGATES: "The problem? The problem is you, Gabriel. And all this talk. Because you think you can wrap me around your little finger. But I'm not Elizabeth....I trusted you. I trusted you. And your job was to look out for me. It was! And now my job is to look out for my family, because no one else will." BUDDY, EVER HEAR OF A LITTLE EXPRESSION CALLED "I'M FINE"? Also, who's distracting whom during whose turn NOW?!