I Hope The Russians Move Their Children Too

Paige vs. Parents (again, some more)

Elizabeth and Philip, having decoded Kate's (final) message, are springing into action to Get Jared Out, as requested. But when they race upstairs looking all hectic and claiming an emergency at work, Paige -- innocently, in my opinion -- asks, "Did a plane full of your clients crash?" I mean, it's about time someone pointed out that Philip and Elizabeth seem to have a lot more pressing work emergencies than THE AVERAGE PAIR OF TRAVEL AGENTS DO, but they're so pissed off and panicked by her logical question that they both turn on her. She short-circuits the yelling and lecturing that seem sure to follow by pouting that Elizabeth was supposed to help her pack for her protest trip, effectively ending the fight with her hurt feelings since Elizabeth really has no good response to the question of why the loss of a bunch of fictional businesspeople's fictional Phoenix hotel reservations would keep her out all goddamn night. Couldn't one of you have been a pretend ER doctor or something?

Winner: The moral victory goes to Paige.

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

Alert Type: Counterspy Alert.

Issue: Paige can clearly tell that something is up with her parents, but she can't really confront them about it because her concept of what it could even be is so nebulous.

Complicating Factors: She chooses the moment when Philip and Elizabeth are talking on the phone about their recent creepings (he's been signaling The Centre from the house; she's been monitoring Jared's street) to pick up the extension and listen in -- so now Philip and Elizabeth are going to have to be a lot more careful, even at home.

Resolution: She defaults to sullen teen the next day, all "Guess I'm not gonna see Mom."

Spoiler: Paige should probably know better than to spill this kind of shit to anyone -- even a clergyman. If you know what's good for you, forget you heard anything, Pastor Groovyhair!

Soviet Central Planning Subcommittee

Stan has reacted to the news of Nina's possible/probable imminent deportation and execution the only way he knows how: by fucking her. His solution to their current predicament is: he'll get her some money and move her to a big city and visit her there as often as he can. Nina obviously knows that this is not the response she was supposed to elicit with her big declaration, but she pretends to go along with it. Oh, Stan. What makes you think you're smarter than Arkady? YOU AIN'T.

Automobiles, Trains, Maybe Eventually Trains

Situation: Jared knows his parents were spies.

What Makes It Awkward? This puts his life in imminent danger.

How is order restored? Well, Elizabeth is pretty sure she's achieved that by convincing him that he has to leave his old life behind (including the very clothes he's wearing), let her drive him to a train station, and send him into her network to be exfiltrated even though she can't even tell him where he's going to end up because she doesn't know herself. The other thing she doesn't know is that Larrick is up her ass the whole time. Nice surveillance detection, Elizabeth! Maybe spend a little more time brushing up your spycraft and a little less shopping for sexy boots. ...Wait, I didn't mean that! Especially if it means I can borrow them!

Really Unconditional Love

What makes Martha, if not the best wife in the world, at least the best wife Philip's ever likely to have? Well, to prove his point that Gaad's office leaks, she's just straight jacked a whole pile of classified files that Gaad's sloppy employees have been leaving on the mail robot, and she's laid them all out for Clark's perusal; whatever's in them is apparently so sensitive that even he is like, er, maybe too far. And then she announces, "You don't have to hide anything from me. I even love your toupee." Whichever commenter theorized that Martha's love and acceptance were the reasons she had never questioned Clark on his "hair": I tried to find your comment and couldn't and you should identify yourself and TAKE A BOW.

Great, Now My Eyes Have Chlamydia

I understand that Clark's request of Martha to dispose of the condom they just used is so that (a) the subject of their having kids together could arise for him to shoot down and (b) lay the groundwork for Martha to MacGyver one of Clark's used condoms into an insemination tool. That does not mean I want to see it. I thought this was a family show. What am I supposed to tell my children.

Time For A Frank Exchange Of Ideas/Fists

Who called the meeting? Arkady.

What's it about? What Stan's going to have to do to keep Nina alive.

How'd it go? Kind of pathetic. Stan comes rolling into the fuck pad psyched as hell about the car he's just bought Nina, only to see her face all beaten and Arkady and thugs keeping her in line. Basically: if Stan gets the Soviets access to Echo, maybe they can work something out. And poor dumb Stan the poor dummy can't even tell he's being played.

Sticky Shoes, My Sticky Shoes...

Who called the meeting? Dirtbag Philip.

What's it about? Getting samples of radar-absorbent paint.

How'd it go? Since Emmett had gotten Fred on board with all the spy stuff/treason by talking about his family, Dirtbag Philip brings Skank Elizabeth so that they can both tell Fred about "everyone back home" who wants Fred to help them. Can Fred get into this facility Skeevers told "Ted" about on the pretext of some sort of budget review? Sure. Can he gets down to the shop floor and get paint samples? Probably not, and the very idea freaks him the fuck out. But Elizabeth explains that they'll give him special shoes that will pick up traces from the ground. Fred can't look into Elizabeth's earnest face and say no, so he promises to wander around wherever they need him to and claim he got lost: "Budget guys are always getting lost." Nice knowing you, Fred, but you are probably dead after this.

Abigail drives Jared up to the cabin where Elizabeth recuperated from her gunshot wound! I hope you won't miss cable too much, Jared! At least this gives you a chance to get used to struggling on without it since it definitely won't be available wherever you're going, whether in this life or (more likely) the next!

Arkady narrates his notes on his most recent doings! The next phase of "Chronicle Operation" is underway! The response of "Subject ORIOLE" (Stan) was appropriate given the circumstances! And the Directorate Ses say the paint thing is going well too! Have you heard the Good News? Because it's all Arkady's got! Too bad about Nina's face I guess!

Oleg goes to Arkady's office to plead for Nina not to have to face trial! Arkady's like, um, she did commit treason! He says that higher-ups have been watching to make sure her real allegiance isn't to Stan! To prove she's on the right side, she'll have to make Stan give Arkady "something so valuable the Americans would never give it up, even to play her against us"! But if she doesn't, Nina's going to have a fake trial and then get killed probably!

Having generously offered Gaad his help in shoring up security with Echo, Stan briefs some nerd who's taking him through the facility where more nerds are working on it! The KGB wouldn't know what to do with it if they got their hands on it, says Nerd! And only one place is running it, but Nerd can get Stan in there tomorrow!

Oleg visits Nina in whatever holding pen Arkady plopped her in! "They tried not to make it hurt too much, but it had to look good," she tells him! He signals that people are listening, and slips her a fat envelope of cash! Somehow whoever's listening isn't also watching at this secret black site? OKAY THEN!

Stan comes home, proud as hell to hand over a bootleg Betamax of The Rocky Horror Picture Show to Matthew, remember him? (That's their kid.) Matthew's like, thanks but I have better things to do with my friends than suggest that we all hang out at Dead Marriage Manor! As soon as he's gone, Stan and Sandra are supes awkward with each other! Finally, Stan asks if she wants him to move out! "Uhhhhhhh, no. I'm going to move in with him"! Is he nice? "He's able to be in the flow of things"! Oh, lord, please can we meet this pinko before he hears about or invents Burning Man?!

Elizabeth comes home and reports that the exfiltration team is on their way! They don't know where Jared will go -- could be Switzerland or Hungary, or somewhere closer, or somewhere like Australia where at least he'd know the language! Elizabeth is scared for Jared because he has no street smarts and she imagines how useless their dumb kids would be in the same position! "One day it's coming," she intones! "You know it is!" Someone should be coming for Paige, that kid's smart mouth has got to get her in trouble soon!

Finally, Larrick -- who's been using a scanner to track electronic monitors on stuff left for Jared along his path (at least, I think that's what he's been doing? He pulled over and got a dead-dropped backpack out of a rest stop garbage can and cut a transmitter out of the lining and I can't imagine who else that would have been for but then we don't actually see Jared looking for it and not finding it so maybe not but I don't know, guys, I am not actually a spy myself) -- shows Jared's yearbook photo to a guy at a train station and asks whether the guy's seen him! He has! He saw Jared get picked up by a lady in a truck! Larrick! Come on! Be cool! You and Jared share the same biology regardless of ideology!!!!!