'Well, THAT Date Didn't Go Well.'

"I know better than to go home with a guy I just met -- honestly, I do -- because I don't need to get crabs or pregnant just because I made it with someone I'm not going to be able to track down in three months. Getting interrupted by a phalanx of FBI agents is something I didn't really think I needed to worry about, but yes, now it's all I'm going to be thinking about if I ever set foot in a singles' bar again.

"Uh, no I didn't think there was a chance we were going to get busted by a crowd of federal agents! Would I have gone home with Curtis if I had? (That's what I said his name was, right? Curtis? Not Corbis? Kevin? No, it was Curtis. Curtis.)

"He told me he was a consultant. First of all. So I thought that meant he-- actually, I didn't. 'Consultant' is kind of a bullshit title. We have consultants where I work, down at the EPA, all the time, who come in for six weeks, hold some meetings, write a couple of reports, and get paid a hell of a lot more than I do. Which is highway robbery, but not the kind that brings the FBI down on you! Consultants wear suits! Curtis was wearing a suit!

"And now, I mean, I guess it was sort of true that he was a consultant -- for the KGB! If he knows any Russian, he didn't try to impress me by speaking any. In the paper here, it says he had something to do with killing an FBI agent or at least with dumping the body afterward, which is just great. Good job, Sheila, you just can't stop finding guys who are total marriage material!

"Oh yeah, the best part of the story I didn't even tell you is that when the cops broke in -- FBI, sorry, but you know what I mean -- things had progressed, and I was basically naked. At least I still had half of my underwear on, but yeah, I barely had the sense to cover my tits, like that would have made the difference if they'd shot me with a damn machine gun. Or if Curtis had shot me -- he could have had a gun for all I knew. 'Naked Woman Killed In Crossfire' -- nice headline.

"Anyway, to answer your original question, no, I don't feel like meeting you out at that bar again tonight."