The Bachelor Introduces Nick's 'Ladies'; We've Got Your 'Class' Superlatives!

2016 has been, by virtually every metric, an unrelenting shitshow. And while we had little reason to hope 2017 would be much better, I'm pretty sure it's at least going to start poorly, as January 2 brings us the next season of The Bachelor, starring two-time Bachelorette runner-up (and one-time Bachelor In Paradise finale quitter) Nick Viall. To prepare you for what you and Nick will experience when his season begins, ABC.com has published mini-bios for all the ladies vying for the chance to join Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe in the ranks of women who've rejected Nick's affections on TV. Let's categorize them high-school superlative-style!

Most Mysterious

Corinne, 24, "Business Owner," and Danielle L., 27, "Small Business Owner." Corinne goes so far as to say she's an "online business owner," so...cam girl?

Most Slippery

Alexis, 23; Angela, 26; Astrid, 26; Briana, 28; and Lauren, 30, all of whom identify their favourite animal as the dolphin -- though only Alexis is an "Aspiring Dolphin Trainer," so (a) she hasn't seen Blackfish or (b) has seen it but hasn't extrapolated its lessons to apply to all large aquatic mammals in captivity, and (c) is unemployed.

Most Gladiatorial

Danielle L.; Dominique, 25; Jasmine G., 29; and Sarah, 26, all of whom identify their favourite fictional character as Scandal's Olivia Pope; and Christen, 25, who says Scandal is her favourite show, and also, that if she could break a law without repercussions, she "would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors." I have to assume she filled out this questionnaire prior to November 8.

Most Nurturing

Briana, Surgical Unit Nurse; Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse; Elizabeth "Liz," 29, Doula.

Most Nurturing, Hypothetically

Josephine, 24, "Unemployed Nurse."

Most Self-Nurturing

Danielle L., whose favourite book is "The 5 Languages Of Love" [sic]; and Jasmine B., 25, whose favourite author is Steve Harvey.

Least American

Hailey, 23, of Vancouver, B.C.; Vanessa, 29, of Montreal. Depending on how Nick voted, a bachelorette with a Canadian passport might have a real edge over her competitors.

Starting Earliest Building A Sob Story Narrative

Danielle M., 31, who was engaged but whose fiancé died; Jasmine B., who was engaged to someone who didn't appreciate her; and Olivia, 25, who spent four years in a relationship with someone who was addicted to pain pills.

Starting Earliest Building A Crazy Narrative

Elizabeth "Liz," whose answer to the question "If I never had to ______, I would be very happy" is "Kill someone" (!!!).

Certainly Too Good For Nick

Jaimi, 28, a chef who has catered the Oscars; and Rachel, 31, an attorney who passed the bar on the first try and who has a favourite artist (it's Jean-Michel Basquiat).

Probably Just Right For Nick

Ida Marie, 23.

Whitney, 25.