The Bachelorette Introduces JoJo's 'Gentlemen'; We've Got Your 'Class' Superlatives!

We're only a couple of weeks out from getting to see what happens when JoJo -- the latest Bachelor loser -- is confronted by the twenty-five dudes Mike Fleiss thinks have a shot at making her fall in love with them. And to get us hyped, ABC.com has posted their portraits and a few notable factoids about them, which is surely more than enough for us to be able to make reasonable guesses as to what they're going to be like. Let's pigeonhole them according to high school yearbook-style class superlatives!

Best Prepared

Nick S., 26, current software salesman but former Eagle Scout, still so committed to the lifestyle that he came for his official photo shoot in what seems to be his uniform's neckerchief.

Most Magic Mike

Christian, 26, telecom consultant who, in college, "did strip shows and lap dances." (He also complains that his pets now are cats because his ex took his chihuahua, NOT SAYING JUST SAYING.)

Least Imagination

Chad, 28, luxury real estate agent, who maybe had to fill out his questionnaire in a hurry.

And yet, despite the determined evocation of Matthew McConaughey's Oscar acceptance speech, offers three "all-time favorite movies" in which McConaughey does not appear?

Most Absurd Listed Profession

Brandon, 28, "Hipster." Without tattoos? Not one who plans to advance in his "field."

Most Embarrassing Listed Profession

James S., 27, Bachelor Superfan. Not that I expect anyone who'd come on this show to have dignity, but jesus.

Most Conceited

Daniel, 31, officially a male model; unofficially the ghost of a Confederate war criminal.

Most Likely To Have Seen Fire And Rain

James Taylor, 29..."singer-songwriter"? Come the fuck on, dude.

Most Likely To Know A Guy Who Knows A Guy

Twenty-eight-year-old operations manager Sal and twenty-eight-year-old barber Vinny.

Most Likely To Offer You Tickets To The Gun Show

Grant, 27, firefighter; Nick B., 33, Electrical Engineer; Vinny; and Christian.

Most Likely To Shade Haley And Emily From Ben's Season Of The Bachelor

Alex, 25, U.S. Marine, a twin who managed to come on The Bachelorette all by himself.

Nickiest

Nick B. and Nick S.

Jamesiest

James S.; James Taylor; and James F. (34, boxing club owner).

Most Likely To Bore Everyone Around Them With Poser-y Tattoo Talk

Coley, 27, real estate consultant, who's "interested in getting one"; Peter, 26, staffing agency manager, who's "going this week" to get one; and James F., who's got three, BUT: "All are being lasered off."

Worst Suited To Go On A Double Date

James S., who loves it when his date "[d]oesn't attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn’t touch on a date: the door and the bill"; and Jonathan, 29, technical sales rep, who loves with when his date "[p]retends to reach for the bill. We appreciate the effort!"

Best Suited To Go On A Double Date

Evan, 33, "Erectile Dysfunction Expert," who's turned off by "girls who talk too much"; and Grant, whose worst date memory is a girl who talked too much about Harry Potter.

Best Suited To Go On A Group Date With Each Other

Chase, 27, medical sales rep; Jordan, 27, former pro quarterback; Coley; James F.; James T.; and Nick B., all of whom named Gladiator as one of their favourite movies.

Biggest Creep

Evan, who concludes his remarks thusly:

Read that quote again, and then imagine that face looming over you, greasy forelock hanging limply between his eyes. Sorry if he/we made you asexual.