Alicia's Newsmagazine Puff Piece Leaves Her In A Huff

Tap To Ruin A Life

Situation: Alicia's being interviewed by TV journalist Petra Moritz, for a puff piece for Petra's newsmagazine.

What makes it awkward? Petra's in the process of editing it when she gets an email promising "dirt on [her] gal Alicia" -- with an attachment that contains a shitload of the incriminating emails that were such an issue last week.

How is order restored? Petra figures she can take the gloves off and start going after Alicia the way she would any other public figure in the same circumstances. Eep.

Dad To The Bone

Never Metadata She Couldn't Tamper With

Who called the meeting? Kalinda.

What's it about? Andrew Wiley's investigation of...well, her.

How'd it go? Tense. Kalinda opens by saying she wants advice about a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL situation, and ties herself in knots about it before Finn, amused, stops her and says that as long as she doesn't give any names, it's fine. So Kalinda takes a breath and explains: a cop might go to prison for something he didn't do, because someone else faked evidence that a lawyer presented in court. If it were to come out that the lawyer's evidence was fake, would the lawyer be liable for using it, even if she didn't know? Finn says that ignorance is no defense: this TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL lawyer could be disbarred, or even go to prison. Even if the evidence-faker swore to the lawyer's innocence? Finn's like, if the giant liar who was ruining people's lives vouched for the lawyer? Yeah, no. Somehow, Kalinda leaves this encounter seeming not terribly reassured!

Soufflé The Gay Away?

Alert Type: Mock Trial Alert.

Issue: R.D. from Kurt's conservative hunting tontine or whatever invites Diane to his think tank to represent the liberal point of view in a lively debate about the laws surrounding gay marriage: a baker in California was sued for refusing to make a cake for a gay couple's wedding, and lost; R.D. is considering funding her appeal and wants Diane to tear apart the pro-discrimination argument to determine whether the appeal is worth supporting or not. Diane does -- leading a wide-ranging discussion that extends to whether bakers are in the wrong if they'll sell any other kind of pastry to gay customers except wedding cakes, or if a wedding planner would have more standing to refuse to work on a gay wedding than a baker (Diane admits that because planning a wedding takes so much more of the planner's time, creativity, and use of her personal contacts, it's potentially easier to defend in court); and R.D. says he's not going to back the case...

Complicating Factors: ...but then the next day Diane's driving into work and hears on NPR (where else) that a wedding planner in Idaho is being sued for refusing to work on a gay wedding, and Diane realizes she got played.

Resolution: Diane takes R.D.'s point that if she supports gay marriage, she should relish any chance to defend it, and instead of being like, I have clients with real cases to work on, she agrees to represent the plaintiffs in mock court. She even finds the perfect stand-ins to portray the plaintiffs: R.D.'s gay nephew Tom and his partner! R.D. is piiiiiiiiissed, but he goes along with it.

Spoiler: ...Well, it's a mock trial.

Alicia sits for a second interview with Petra, assuming it's going to be about her favourite chocolate chip cookie recipe or wig maintenance tips. It...is not.

Fixers vs. Journalists

Eli and Josh storm into the bullpen to scream at Petra's boss, Charles. Petra and Charles calmly explain that Petra didn't hack the emails, and that since they just came into Petra's possession, she's legally entitled to report on them: Alicia's a public figure and this is germane to the public's view of her. Josh and Eli then act like their objection is to the show's using the emails on ethical grounds, as though Josh OR Eli is an expert in that arena. Petra, rightly, is unimpressed by Eli's argument, pointing out that he created the myth of St. Alicia and the content of these emails shows that persona to be a total lie. But before Eli can work up a high dudgeon about that, Charles says he's going to hold off on the story for now, until he can reach his own opinion on the matter.

Winner: Fixers, but not for long: Petra stomps straight from this meeting into the edit bay to catch up her editor, Steven, on the latest movements on the story...and then asking whether she should leak it to Gawker or TMZ. BAM.

"A Dollar? Duh, Whyyyyyyeeeeeeeeee?"

Finn finds Kalinda after his chat with Wiley, and because Finn is not an idiot, the questions Wiley was asking him have given him to understand that Kalinda's hypothetical situation might not have been as hypothetical as she made them seem! "Do you have a dollar?" he asks her. She does, and as she hands it over, she asks why, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE WORKS AT A LAW FIRM AND ALSO HAS PRESUMABLY SEEN A TV SHOW BEFORE. I guess they had to find some way to exposit that the dollar officially engages Finn as her lawyer and lets the rest of their conversation -- during which she tells him everything about the metadata -- take place under the protection of attorney-client privilege, but that was super-lame. Kalinda is one of the two smartest people in this episode; she would certainly know what the dollar was for and it sucks to make her this stupid for the sake of the plot. (And yes, I say that even given that the plot is kind of about a dumb thing she's already done.)

Now that Team Alicia knows that the jig is up with regard to Alicia having boned Will back before he was dead, Eli and Josh are embarking on their spin strategy: find another journalist who's either friendly to Alicia or hates Petra (or both) and feed him or her the story they want to tell. But it's going to be kind of complicated as long as some members of Team Alicia have prior allegiances that predate their time with her, ELI.

Drinking Buddies

On the suggestion of MARISSA of all people, Eli has sent Peter to Alicia's to talk her into lying about her relationship with Will and have some red wine. At first, Alicia says she won't lie to a reporter, but Peter says she'd just be controlling the narrative. "To keep me looking like a slutty wife?" "Yeah!" says Peter. Hee! She can't help noting that they're discussing the matter calmly; he says he hopes it's a sign that they've matured. "Have we come through the other side...of anger, jealousy, disgust?" "Did I disgust you?" "For a while, yeah," she admits, adding that it's nice drinking with him now -- it's like watching two other people, who used to be married but have forgotten they're supposed to hate each other. Peter:

Alicia: "Oh, it's not going to happen." "What?" asks Peter, "innocently." "Sex!" she replies. He protests that he didn't say anything, and she says she knows what that look means: "I've known you a long time." "A long, long time," leers Peter. He's so ridiculous that she can't help cracking up. Peter says he knows she thinks he's been a dog and a bad husband, but that he's never been as bad as she wanted him to be. What...does that mean? Why would she have wanted him to be a bad husband? What? But Alicia says that's probably true (?). Peter then goes for the kill shot: "And I loved you. I still love you." Alicia sighs that "love" is a word that's so exhausted: "I wish it meant something to me." If this lady can't apply it to the hot former ASA with the office just down the hall from hers, I really can't help her, I MEAN HONESTLY. Anyway, Alicia would like to leave things with Peter tonight at: she likes sitting here like this and drinking with him, and for now, he's fine with that. (Cut to: Peter leaving her apartment and banging an intern in his town car, probably.)

To Say Nothing Of The Moose

Peter vs. Petra

Eli finally releases Peter to speak to Petra in that interview he fake-promised, and after a couple of softballs that let Peter talk about how proud he is of Alicia for her win in the SA's race, she moves on to the nature of Alicia's relationship with Will, as portrayed in the leaked emails. Peter innocently says he can't confirm whether Alicia and Will had an affair. Petra asks if that's because he doesn't want to confirm it, and he says no, it's because all he can confirm is what Alicia's told him, which is that she and Will were just flirting and did NOT have an affair -- "as my wife told the reporter Ted Willoughby." Peter keeps talking, but Petra has to be like, Willoughby jigga-what? Peter's like, oh yeah, it's totes nbd, but Alicia already told Ted Willoughby aaaaaaaaaall about this. Then the claws come out and Peter tears into Petra -- "I guess what my Chief of Staff Eli Gold said to Kim Masters in an interview is true: you're out to get her...Look, Petra, you've been trying to nail Alicia for the last three years. You have a grudge against her. You do!" -- until Charles has to step in and stop the interview before Peter actually rips Petra's face off.

Winner: Peter.

Having already circled up with Howell the IT guy and found out that when he talked to Wiley, he covered for her (despite the fact that she had told him if he was ever asked about it, he should tell the truth) with a story about how he was on the server to fix some speeding tickets for Kalinda, she knows to tell this story when it's finally her turn with Wiley! He asks where she got all these alleged tickets, and when she reports the locations, he's like, that's eerily similar to what Howell said like almost word for word, and Kalinda's like, huh! He acts like he's all set, and then Columbos, "One last thing, Kalinda: you're caught? You faked the metadata? The longer it takes for you to admit it, the worse it's going to be for you and Diane. I hate to say this, 'cause I like you, but if I were you I'd come clean." Kalinda's like, GULP!

It's time for the judge to rule on R.D.'s pretend case, and guess what? Diane/human rights win! Suck it, bigots conservatives!

Diane's striding out feeling like a badass when R.D. catches up to her to ask, "What do you think would happen if every case were adjudicated by someone with a family member or loved one who'd be affected by the decision?" WELL THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT, R., GEEZ, but what Diane actually says is "Ultimately, perhaps, every case is." When he asks whether the law's not supposed to be impersonal, she says it's almost always personal: it's supposed to be fair. Diane guesses that he's still going to fund this homophobic wedding planner's defense, and he says he is, explaining that, three years ago, Barack Obama was against gay marriage; so were Hillary and Bill Clinton and pretty much every other Democrat, but now they're all coming out (heh) in favour of it because it's politically expedient! Who knows what they'll be in favour of three years from now? He likes people who stick with their (ignorant, discriminatory) beliefs (he doesn't say that, but I do), and thinks law should be made to support them! And that's why all of us who DON'T think gay people should be treated like second-class citizens should make sure to donate to political candidates who feel likewise because the R.D.s of the world can really affect the electorate with all their jillions of dollars! /end PSA

And then Alicia's watching the finished cut of her re-puffed interview with Petra, flanked by Eli and Josh! Eli compliments her for acting humble by saying she was nervous when she started at the then-Lockhart Gardner, and Alicia's like, "Watch this!" Except...then what happens is not whatever win Alicia thinks she got but an ominous voiceover from Petra about accusations that voting machines in some wards recorded votes for Prady as VOTES FOR ALICIA! A crooked election? In Chicago? Cooked by the campaign Eli Gold was working on?!??!? I AM SHOCKED!!!!!