It All Comes Down To David LaSlapelle Over Here

It was with high anticipation and pre-emptive heartbreak that I sat down to watch the series finale of The Slap this week. The basically perfect series premiere dropped us into a world of hysterical mothers, aggressive fathers, and overbearing immigrants -- I guess I could have just shorthanded all of that with "Brooklyn" -- so crowded with stereotypes and clichés that it might as well have been called White People Problems. Given its actual title, each subsequent installment felt like it pulled us further and further away from the primal event: who even gave a shit about Anouk's issues with her mother or that dying friend of Manolis's or eSPECially Hector and Aisha's bullshit marriage? Every scene that didn't explore the question of whether Harry was right to slap Hugo given that his parents had completely abdicated responsibility for his behaviour was A SCENE WASTED.

Ultimately, it all comes down to the evidence captured in Ritchie's photographs, but of course he's got some whole dark (also clichéd) backstory that makes his being a witness problematic, if not actually dangerous to his health! Oh no, I hope Ritchie is okay, I guess??? At least the bizarre choice to make Ritchie the centerpiece of the finale sets up the anticlimax that is the judge's risible ruling and utterly unsatisfying epilogue.

But the most important question of all is: who ends the series as its most slapworthy figure? No spoilers but it's definitely not the person I thought would end up the biggest loser when we all started on this journey together.

16. Victor Garber & Penn Badgley

"Here are your scripts for the finale, guys!" "We...have a thing."

15. Koula

She's been annoying in the way of all cartoony TV mothers-in-law, but she comes off well in the finale, not only because she apparently dropped the whole "megafamily holiday in Greece" plan (allowing Manolis to change everyone's Coach tickets to a First Class all the way trip just for the two of them: who could complain about that?) but because when Anouk, at the shower for her enormous, elderly baby, says that things didn't work out with Jamie, Koula gets off this sick burn.

Slapworthiest Line: "We sacrifice everything in our lives for our kids -- we're supposed to do that afterwards too?"

14. Manolis

His fond courtliness for the women in his life -- even Rosie! -- is one of the show's loveliest notes, and he gets one last chance to exhibit that affection to Aisha in the episode's final scene. Too bad he also gets saddled with this eye-roller.

Slapworthiest Line: Telling Aisha she didn't miss anything not going to Greece: "The country has fallen apart. Why do we always remember things better than they were?"

13. Thanassis

I guess I have to knock him down a couple of pegs for his willingness to use a teenager's very worst experience against him in public? (...I do, right? FINE.) But Thanassis never even would have had to come up with a strategy for how to lessen the impact of Ritchie's photos against Harry if FUCKING GARY hadn't made Ritchie's photos part of the case in the first place. Thanassis is just playing defense! Literally! Is it scumbaggy? Sure. But may we all find our own scumbaggy Thanasses should we ever have to stop one of the world's Hugos from breaking our ankles with their baseball bats.

Slapworthiest Line: "Even men with scruples must protect themselves however they can against nasty consequences."

12. Fiona

Continues being a good mom (exception noted: opening the door to Connie and telling her, "He needs you") -- and looks even better once we find out all about what they were fleeing in Pennsylvania -- but the below really tarnishes her.

Slapworthiest Line: "This man is from the police." Good lord, Molly Price, you could have "accidentally" ad-libbed a line less clunky than that?

11. Hugo

He breaks a dish, but it's only partly because he has no respect for other people's property -- his parents', in this case -- and mostly because he asked Rosie for a snack and she wouldn't get out of bed, because she's soooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaad about what happened to Hugo months and months ago to FEED HIM IN THE PRESENT. He also manages to approach Anouk's baby without doing him harm. I'm not sure I would trust the absent Jamie to do the same.

Slapworthiest Line: Standing next to the shattered dish: "I didn't do anything!"

10. Harry

I mean, I can't rank a wife beater TOO high, but if I could, I would: since his episode, he's actually been among the most level-headed, reasonable characters on this whole show. Everything he does in court or permits Thanassis to do is because the Wechslers have forced literally every step of this débacle -- I mean, fine, other than the one where Harry hit their kid, but in a sense didn't they also cause that to happen by paying him no attention when he started threatening the other kids with a weapon? Harry at least tries to get Thanassis not to use Ritchie's tragic past against Rosie and Gary, which is paying him more consideration than FUCKING GARY does when he volunteers Ritchie to participate in this whole mess.

Slapworthiest Line: Less a line than this face they keep forcing him to make.

9. Aisha

Turns Anouk's trip for an ultrasound into a competition over who's a better friend to Rosie, AND TRIES TO WIN IT. She's just so fucking smug, ugh.

Slapworthiest Line: Tie! To Anouk's OB/GYN: "Oh, stop with the 'doctor' just because people are here." UH, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CORRECTED THE DA WHEN SHE CALLED YOU "MS.," DOCTOR! When nine-year-old Melissa shows up for breakfast with a face full of makeup: "Do you really want to sit with girls who put those sorts of requirements on your friendship? Is that the kind of girl you want to be?" "That kind of girl" is called a girl, lady, have a little empathy.

8. Connie

Finds out her supposed "best friend" attempted suicide before she knew him; makes it all about her. (Also uses his blowing off their plans as a transparent excuse to call her aged boyfriend Hector.)

Slapworthiest Line: "Why did you never tell me? I thought we were friends."

7. Rosie

She manages to get through an entire court case that revolves around her unruly child and how her lax parenting has made him a threat to the community by learning nothing, NOTHING! It's actually kind of impressive!

Slapworthiest Line: "I'm just so ashamed. I've made so many mistakes. Why didn't I get a medical report earlier? Or photographs?" ("I thought you meant the mistake of getting the police involved, Rosie," replies Anouk/EVERYBODY.)

6. Miss Saltire

Somehow stuck with this case even though it is a loser through and through when she could have just quit her job in the DA's office and become a barista instead.

Slapworthiest Line: "Nothing matters but the slap." I wanted to believe that, Bridget, but we were ALL let down.

5. Hector

Fails to notice when Ritchie comes by to say goodbye that he's saying goodbye; has the balls to act cold to Connie when she calls him in a panic over Ritchie.

Slapworthiest Line: When Connie says she can't get hold of Ritchie and is therefore worried, AND after he's just read in the Post all about Ritchie's past suicide attempt: "I'm sure he's okay, just text him." LIKE TEXTING ISN'T THE FIRST THING SHE DID WHEN TRYING TO GET HOLD OF HIM AS SHE'S JUST SAID SHE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO.

4. Anouk

All the gain she makes with me for being one of the few people to tell Rosie to her face that this case is a joke is lost when she invites Harry and Sandi AND Gary and Rosie to her baby shower without telling either couple that the other is coming.

Slapworthiest Line: "I said it was my party! Always been a whore for drama."

3. Ritchie

So (duh) I was right when I assumed that Ritchie was gay -- how Connie missed it is the real mystery -- but, of course, there's more. Before moving to Brooklyn, Ritchie lived in Allentown, where he had a boyfriend. Photos were apparently taken of the two of them Doing Sex, which were then published online; the boyfriend killed himself, and Ritchie tried to do the same by slashing his wrists; after six months in a private hospital, Fiona and Ritchie changed their surname and moved to New York to start over. So that is why Ritchie is not thrilled about being implicated in a scheme that will take photos he took himself and use them as evidence against another person. When Thanassis leaks the story to the press, he basically gives up on life again...but first, he goes on a farewell tour, giving framed copies of his photos to their subjects. Here's his inscription to Hector:

I don't care what he's going through: the day some teenager tells me I need to smile more is the day I go triple Harry Apostolou all over his face.

Eventually, Ritchie is found before his second suicide attempt -- by pills this time -- is successful (we'll get to that), and he lives to make a slow-motion walk into the courtroom A WEEK LATER and, after every adult makes a point of putting it on the record that he's doing it of his own free will, he testifies over a montage of fateful-barbecue lowlights. Please, Ritchie: use your time at art school to get all the way over yourself.

Slapworthiest Line: "There were pictures of people I admired. There were pictures of Hector, a man I very much admire. There were pictures of Hector with Connie -- that's my best friend -- in a moment that I didn't admire and didn't think needed to be seen by anyone....There were pictures of Gary drinking beer after beer after beer, arguing with Harry. There were pictures of people whispering in other people's ears, and of Rosie drinking wine and breastfeeding Hugo. And there were pictures of these people, these people I love, trying hard to make it through a day. You ask me why I deleted them. I guess I deleted them because there was a time in my life when someone revealed things about me, made some pictures public, and caused a lot of people a lot of pain. But what was on them was the truth, and I guess that's all we have."

2. The Fucking Judge

Hilariously, Alma Cuervo, who has played the presiding judge in the case, has not even put this credit on her IMDb profile, and I frankly don't blame her. HERE IS HER FINAL RULING, GUYS.

Slapworthiest Line: "Last night, I went over the arguments we've heard in anticipation of a ruling, and I realized that when you boil it all down, somehow we've spent days debating whether or not a five-year-old boy was holding a bat when an adult struck him. Then I realized, maybe it's not about that at all. It might have been just as easily about the New York State statute, 'neglect by parents due to inebriation or inattention.' Too bad it took the near death of a seventeen-year-old kid to tell us what it's actually about: kindness, or the lack thereof, which we cannot adjudicate in this court. Still, I have a job to do. Mr. Apostolou, I find you guilty of attempted assault of a minor in the third degree. I'm sentencing you to time served -- the time you spent in custody at your arraignment -- because I'm not sure sending you to Rikers Island will make you any more repentant than you are now. Mr. and Mrs. Wechsler: before you leave this courtroom gloating, you can expect a visit from Child Protective Services. If there is another incident of your son potentially being harmed or harming someone else, you will be held responsible. Now if you don't mind, I have three cases on my docket -- one involving the rape of a nine-year-old girl. So go home and count your damn blessings. Now get out of my courtroom."

1. Gary

After seeming so reasonable in contrast to Rosie through most of her episode last week, HOW FAR GARY HAS FALLEN. In the SAME CONVERSATION with the DA, he's all cautioning her about treating Ritchie gently -- "I wanted to keep him out of this....He is very talented, okay? [like she cares] VERY talented. And he is a good kid, and if you met him, you'd know you don't want to drag him into this" -- and then, two sentences later, when she says she's sending a detective to talk to Ritchie: "Okay." YOU'RE AN AWESOME MENTOR, GARY.

Before going to expire by his Symbolic Carousel, Ritchie leaves Gary a photo with this inscription:

I refuse to believe that the clod we've come to know would be sensitive enough to interpret this correctly, but he does, and rushes to find Ritchie at the carousel and save his life...so that he can come testify, the thing Gary originally didn't think Ritchie could or should do before deciding "Fuck it." Ritchie's almost-blood is on Gary's hands...

Slapworthiest Line: ...and yet Gary has the balls to do not one but TWO auditions for his The Slap spinoff, The Soft-Eyed Smug Nod. First, when Ritchie says that the truth is all we have...

...and then when the judge says CPS is coming???

Even Rosie knows that means they're fucked, yet Gary's all, "YES, SOCIAL SERVICES DEFINITELY SHOULD COME EVALUATE MY DRUNK, CHECKED-OUT ASS, I WELCOME THE SCRUTINY OF THE STATE ON ALL MY PARENTING DECISIONS." It's the one final WTF for a WTF of a season of a show I am going to miss desperately.