The Courtship Of Elsbeth And Josh

You Know Who WON'T Be Fooled By This, Because He Sees All? (No, Not Eli.)

Alert Type: God Alert.

Issue: No one gets anywhere in the world of Chicago politics without a stop at Pastor Jeremiah's talk show.

Complicating Factors: Alicia's on the record identifying herself as an atheist, and Johnny's going to need her to walk back from that position, even though she hasn't changed her mind on the subject.

Resolution: Alicia sits down with Grace and a past episode of Pastor Jeremiah's show, so that Grace can explain some of the religious jargon to her. In the process, they get their latest chance to talk through the matter: Grace confirms that even though Alicia's going to SAY that she's "struggling" with her faith, she actually isn't; and Alicia confirms that Grace doesn't judge her.

Spoiler: Everyone -- including Marissa, Alicia's new "body woman" and Eli's supposed spy (which she cheerfully announces when introducing herself to Alicia) -- agrees that Alicia does well enough on the show, but when Grace's youth leader praises her for having "reached" Alicia with her witness, Grace clearly feels uncomfortable either about Alicia's deception, or about the expectation that she's supposed to be Grace's one-woman missionary project.

Smells Like Love

When Elsbeth shows up a day early to a meeting with Josh about the J-Serve case, she assumes he told everyone else involved the new time, but didn't tell her so that he'd have a pretext for getting her alone -- and says so, reaming him out in front of a whole room full of his colleagues, adding that if he wants to see her, he should just ask her to lunch. After she's stormed out, he races outside after her to ask if she's saying he should ask her to lunch. She deflects by asking if this whole case is about her. He says it isn't -- it's about a particular kind of encryption software J-Serve developed -- but they quickly blow past that and onto each other's smells: at his question, she says she's wearing "baby lotion," while he's wearing Old Spice, because of course he is. He asks her to lunch; she turns him down flat, adding, "This case is wrong and you need to stop it," before getting back to her office to reapply her signature scent, presumably.

Diane & Kalinda vs. David & Louis

As we learned in the last episode, a technicality has left Diane in charge of the lease at Lockhart Gardner Canning, and she'd like to exploit that loophole to turn out LGC to Florrick Agos can take over the less cockroachy space. Let me shorthand it, because it's kind of boring: Diane serves notice; David and Louis counter by citing some expensive violations they might mention to OSHA; Kalinda researches Louis's real estate holdings and finds some even MORE expensive ADA violations at properties Louis owns. Then there's some business about whether Diane can actually exercise her rights as the lessor if she hasn't been in the office, so she and Kalinda conspire to lure Howard away to Florrick Agos, so that he can then be Diane's proxy for the purpose of all of this. There's no better kind of right for a lawyer than to be technically right, and David and Louis have no choice but to lay down their arms, and take the twenty-four hours they've been given to clear everyone out.

Winner: Diane & Kalinda, UH DOY. (Although, given that taking on Howard was part of the deal, they might be the losers in the long run.)

Update On J-Snore

Josh is questioning J-Serve programmer Nils Landrusyshym in front of Judge In-My-Opinion, but quickly gets derailed when he refers to "Ms. Tascioni" and she corrects him that it's "Mrs." Josh is pulled up short, but she adds that she's divorced. Anyway, before he was at J-Serve, this Nils worked for a company called Qzio Systems, which had contracts with the U.S. Department of Defense.

Josh puts a piece of code up on the screen and Nils confirms that he wrote it. But uh oh, that code was also found in code that was part of the package J-Serve sold to China!

Alicia, catching her snap, stands and says that, in her opinion, the AUSA is being deceptive about the real charges he wants to pursue -- namely, economic espionage! And after Josh starts to respond, including a prompt from Elsbeth about "in my opinion"...

...he confirms that he DOES intend to charge Camilla with economic espionage, for which she could spend ten to fifteen years in federal prison! Oh no, I hope this character we just met who's already been described as a bitch doesn't have to go to the big house I guess!

Tactile Tactics

We just learned how easy it is to distract Elsbeth in court -- which only means she's the distraction MASTER! (Though it helps if opposing counsel's desperately in love with her.)

Busted By Grandma

Who called the meeting? Joy.

What's it about? She didn't so much "call it" as "show up unannounced," because it's a surprise spot check to see how closely Cary's following the terms of his bail.

How'd it go? So bad. Cary wanders up the hall with his arm around some broad he's just met at a Harvard mixer, and they are both visibly wasted. Joy comments that Cary has been drinking. "As is my right," says Cary. Joy asks if they've also been doing drugs, and when he says no, his chippie says, "The night is young." Okay, she KNOWS he's on parole, right? Isn't she a lawyer? SHUT UP, DUMMY. Anyway: Cary confirms that neither of them drove because they were too inebriated; he scoffs at the idea that they would have taken something as old-fashioned as a CAB, saying they took an Uber. Joy asks him to show her the record of the ride on his phone (and there's some cute grandmotherly business when he hands her the phone and she doesn't know how to get to the app), but when she looks at the route, she sadly says she has to call officers and arrest him: Cary's Uber unwisely drove him five miles into Indiana on the way home, and crossing state lines is a violation of his parole. Okay, I'm no geographer, but I've looked at the map of Illinois and I don't know what the hell kind of crazy route the driver took that would bring someone who works and presumably lives in downtown Chicago to INDIANA, unless Cary's driver was this guy? BUT WHATEVER.

Interrogated By Grandma

Situation: After Cary's violation, Joy has to prepare a report for the court with a recommendation as to whether Cary's bail should be revoked.

What makes it awkward? She decides to talk to Kalinda about Cary, and in addition to a checkered past Kalinda would want to keep private from a pre-trial service officer, Kalinda clearly finds the experience of talking to someone as deliberate and square as Joy completely excruciating.

How is order restored? It isn't, really. Kalinda tells as much of the truth about herself as she can -- she'll only admit that she and Cary are "friends"; she confirms her past arrests while adding that she was never convicted of anything; she says she has had contact with Lemond Bishop (which Joy hilariously pronounces as if it's "lemon" with a "d" on the end) in the past but that he's not a client anymore -- and vociferously recommends Cary for release, saying that he's the most honest person she knows and that his re-arrest is an indictment of the Cook County system, not of Cary. But since she's already made kind of a shitty witness, this may not help his cause that much?

Get The Look: Counsel Of Green Gables

What does a youngish attorney in one of America's coolest cities wear to court under her floral blazer/bust out when she's having a one-woman "Call Me Maybe" dance party in her office?

Puffed-Sleeve Blouse: Anne Shirley would go crazy over this shirtwaist -- perfect for making arguments in court, or for a quiet night with a bottle of homemade raspberry cordial!

Baby Lotion: It's the scent that drives an AUSA who may be on the spectrum ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

A Sense For Custom Tailoring: One thing you need to remember about shirts is that buttons sew right back on.

Keep Your Bleary Eyes On The Road

Back in bail court, everyone gets the summary of Joy's report. The good news? She does think Cary can stay out on bail. The bad news? Joy thinks he's been "casual in his conformity" to the rules of his release, so she recommends additional restrictions: an ankle monitor, and a 9 PM curfew. Diane rather lamely pleads lawyer hours. The judge: "That's unfortunate. I don't care." But that's not all: Joy also doesn't think Cary should have any further contact with Kalinda, what with her relationship with Lemond Bishop and her past run-ins with the law. Oh no, Cary will just have to...have sex with that other brunette for a while? The judge agrees with Joy's recommendations and warns Cary that if he doesn't follow the new rules, he'll spend the rest of his time before the trial in jail.

Elsbeth goes to Josh's temporary office to return his buttons to him! He also has one of hers, which he found in his hair! But she's mostly there for work: she tells him about evidence Kalinda turned up, involving a CIA front company called Honeywell that ALSO sold code to the Chinese! Josh supposes Elsbeth has proof, and she hands him the original invoice! In classic Josh style, he drops it in his shredder! She sadly surmises that last night meant nothing to him! He says it did, but that "work is work"! But it turns out Elsbeth learned something from their last case together even if he didn't, and she's recorded him admitting to destroying evidence! Josh thinks he's all set, since Illinois requires two-party consent for recordings to be used in court, but it turns out that the Illinois Supreme Court recently struck down that law! WHOOPS!

And then Josh is withdrawing all charges against J-Serve and Camilla Vargas! Now she can go back to suing J-Serve! No one cares!

Josh and Elsbeth sadly lock eyes and fall into step on their way out of court! He shouldn't have shredded the document, but maybe she shouldn't have recorded them! He puts out his hand to shake, and then turns to go as she watches him!

THESE TWO!

Alicia and Diane walk into the former offices of Lockhart Gardner Canning, which the former occupants have left in a total shambles! Cary's taking David's old office, and as Alicia looks toward Will's, Diane stops her, offering to take it herself, claiming she could use a fresh start! Alicia, firmly: "I won't hear of it"! Alicia and Diane stride into their new (or in Diane's case, old-new) offices and contemplate the future!

BITCHES GET STUFF DONE, Y'ALL!!!