The Good Wife Investigates New Investigators

I Don't Know Much About Art, But I Know What I Hate

Alert Type: Art Critic Alert.

Issue: Alicia's rocking bond court way more efficiently than she was last time when Lucca hands off one of her would-be clients to Alicia: Erik Barsetto, who vandalized a photograph hanging in the Chicago Museum of Fine Arts.

Complicating Factors: Alicia tries to ignore him when he tells her that the museum won't want to settle with him if he says he's going to do it again, but after she's quickly handled his bail, he tells her something significant on his way out of the courtroom: the photo he vandalized depicts him. His mother Phyllis did a whole series of nudes -- The Innocents -- featuring Erik and his sister Wendy when they were pre-teens (aged eight and ten), and now that Phyllis is selling them to the museum, he'd...rather they didn't, since they ruined his life.

Resolution: The museum, represented by Nancy Crozier (who hilariously tries to neg Alicia by pretending not to remember her name despite the fact that Nancy and Alicia have been opposing counsel on ten-plus cases), agrees not to press charges against Erik...on the condition that he publicly embrace the exhibit and pose for photos in front of the image he tried to destroy.

Spoiler: Alicia's got nothing better to do when she's not in bond court than try to help this kid get a fat settlement from the museum, and he's evidently not scared of a fight.

The Campaign Troll

Eli's just left a meeting with Peter in which he apologized for having left things on bad terms when he quit -- probably at least 51% tactical, as Peter almost certainly knows, but he's accepted Eli's apology anyway and sent Eli on his way with a manly handshake -- when he runs into Ruth in the hall. She's just as excited to see him as you might guess!

Ruth stomps straight into Peter's office from this exchange to lecture him that "two-headed campaigns don't work," and Peter dismissively tells her Eli came to apologize and waves off her concerns, changing the subject to his polling. Remember how Eli said he was going to manipulate Ruth into making Peter think she's distracted and paranoid? Apparently Ruth doesn't.

No Homo

The associates, at Cary's direction, come to his office to tattle about Howard taking all the credit on cases where he actually (a) did no work and (b) didn't even learn the client's name. Cary tells them he's on it, and when all the other kids have taken off, Dirk remains behind to bring up That Thing That Happened at the end of the last episode. Cary clearly doesn't want to talk about it, waving off what he thinks it's going to be Dirk's apology, but what Dirk primarily wants to tell him, it seems, is "I want you to know I'm not gay."

What We Learn About Investigator Amanda Marcassin When Alicia Interviews Her

• Alicia thinks she seems young
• Amanda likes to keep "it small, simple," and not put off targets by being overbearing
• Amanda doesn't know Kalinda
• Amanda reminds Alicia of Kalinda
• Amanda's $5 cheaper per hour than the other candidate Alicia likes

What We Learn About Investigator Jason Crouse When Alicia Interviews Him

• Jason has no qualms about joking, in a job interview, that he injured his hand killing someone in traffic
• Jason either actually injured his hand on an old-fashioned metal ice tray, or is good at selling that as his cover story
• Jason's not an ex-cop
• Alicia's not certain he's a better candidate than Amanda just because he's charming
• Alicia wants to bone him and maybe so does Grace? But that alone can't get him the job given that $5 price differential.

Nothing Gold Can't Stay

Who called the meeting? Alicia.

What's it about? Eli.

How'd it go? Textbook. Alicia had just finished confirming that Erik wants to fight his mother's exhibit aggressively and dispatching a newly hired Amanda to try to track down Erik's sister Wendy (they don't speak) and make sure there aren't any surprises in Erik's social media when Eli called and informed her that Ruth had vetoed him as Alicia's Chief of Staff. As he went on about the candidates Ruth would produce in his place, Alicia had an epiphany: "You're using me." Eli had denied it, but not especially strenuously, and now Alicia has gone around Ruth and straight to Peter to talk about it -- not that Peter knows that. In fact, Peter is in the middle of telling Alicia about Ruth's plans to follow Alicia with a camera crew to show her whole "helping the common man thing" in bond court when Alicia announces that she wants to talk about something. Peter: "No." Alicia: "No what?" "No to Eli," says Peter. "Well then, we have a problem," purrs Alicia. Peter says that he needs Ruth, and that Ruth won't stand for Eli. Alicia shoots back that she wants Eli and won't stand without him. Then she lays out the situation in terms he can't deny: "You want to be Hillary's Vice-President. The way to do that is by showing you have a happy family -- a family that overcame your sexual indiscretions, because your wife forgave you, and continues to forgive you." "You're being used!" marvels Peter. "I know," Alicia snaps. "Who isn't." Peter takes a beat, and then, nodding, tells her, "Eli's all yours." It's not clear whether this appraising, respectful look...

...is for her, or for the gamesmanship of his absent former consigliere.

The Innocents...And Dollars

Alicia's at home working on Erik's case when Lucca shows up and pretty matter-of-factly informs Alicia that she's going to give Lucca 50% of the case. Lucca reminds Alicia that she handed Erik off to Alicia, and now that it's "a money case," Lucca's going to need to wet her beak. (I'm paraphrasing.) Either because she's not sure it's even going to amount to anything or because St. Alicia is so ethical that she'd never try to screw over another attorney -- or, at least, not one she'd like to cultivate as a friend -- she pretty readily gives in.

A favour in bond court = 50% of ???

A Stripped-Down Aesthetic

Alert Type: Bad Mom Alert.

Issue: Now that Erik's case has gone to court, Alicia and Lucca are arguing that the photographs Phyllis took can't be exhibited because Erik and Wendy, her models, did not give their consent. Also, there's my issue, which is that Phyllis is a narcissistic New Age nightmare who makes a big show of greeting Erik by holding out her hand and making him clasp it in this extremely performative way. Shut up, Phyllis.

Complicating Factors: Nancy makes a somewhat reasonable argument to the effect that parents make all kinds of decisions on children's behalves -- seeking medical treatment, for instance -- when children lack the capacity to give consent themselves. Lucca counters by bringing up an interview in which Phyllis said, "When I was with them behind the camera, I was an artist, not a parent; they were subjects, not my children." The result is that Phyllis starts hippieishly whining about how offended she is that the photo is being shown in court half covered in brown paper as if it were dirty, which she says it is not, and that Lucca wouldn't ask a male artist these kinds of questions. When Erik testifies that, because of the photos, he's been directly contacted by pedophiles, some of whom would wait for him outside his school, and that they're still the first thing that comes up whenever anyone Googles him, she doesn't seem especially concerned OR GUILTY. See? Bad mom.

Resolution: Nancy blindsides Alicia by producing an affidavit from Wendy corroborating Phyllis's version of events, causing Judge Dunaway -- who's just finished his prayers; Nancy whispers that he converted to Islam after a recent heart attack, which may account for the uncharacteristically good mood Alicia had chalked up to medication -- to rule against Erik. Lucca immediately requests a separate ruling on publicity for the exhibit: "Consent gets them the right to show the artwork, but that doesn't mean they can use the images of Erik for commercial purposes. Our client has his own right of publicity, which means nothing in the gift shop can have Erik's image on it." The museum director says they depend on gift shop revenue to make a profit, and thus kicks off another round of testimony, in which the judge will have to rule on each item individually.

Spoiler: Amanda probably should start looking for another gig.

Howard vs. Cary

Cary having failed to convince Diane and David that Howard is a menace who's putting the future of the firm at risk by pissing off the associates, he's taken Howard out for lunch to try to manipulate Howard into doing what Cary wants. A compliment for the "Mexican" associate's "great yabbos" turns out to be a good segue to Cary's suggestion that Howard transition to emeritus status. Howard may be generally useless, but he's not so out of it that he doesn't know what that means, and he's not into it. To wit: "You try to move me out, I'll cut your balls off." Cary seems like he's about to try to cool things off, but Howard's not ready to give up the floor: "You think I'm bluffing, you little gerbil? Check out a guy named Harry Weir at the firm I used to work for. Only don't stare at his eyepatch too long, okay?"

Winner: Draw.

Apo Research

Who called the meeting? Alicia.

What's it about? Now that Eli's on board as Alicia's Chief of Staff, he thinks a good place to start her rehabilitation campaign is by apologizing to Frank Landau. "Isn't that the DNC guy who fucked her over on the campaign?" Sure is! But Eli's told Alicia that if she eats shit in front of Frank now, she can destroy him later, and Alicia's like, cool.

How'd it go? Alicia fake-apologizes, and Frank fake-accepts. Eli says he'd like to put all this behind them by having Frank put out a statement of support for Alicia and clearing her of wrongdoing, and Frank's like, totally, and since you're here, would you also like a seat on the election board! Eli, impressed, starts to answer for her in the affirmative, but Frank asks Eli to excuse him and Alicia, and Alicia doesn't protest. After Eli's gone, Frank tells Alicia that when the first vote comes up at the election board, he'll need her to vote no. When she asks, he doesn't tell her what the vote is about or why he needs her to vote no: he just needs her to do it. The scene ends before we find out whether she agrees to do it, so let's say the meeting went...tbd.

Eli's glaring at the closed door with his charge on the other side when Nora appears and tells him she works for him again. Why? She doesn't like working for Ruth, she claims.

Alicia emerges from the office and announces that she's on the election board, so I guess we know what her answer was! Eli asks what Frank wanted to talk to her about. She says it was nothing...

...but Mrs. Gold didn't raise no fools.

R.I.P. Amanda Marcassin('s time in Alicia Florrick's employ)

Amanda already fucked up once when Nancy admitted into evidence a bunch of photos of Erik having fun out for drinks and in Hawaii to contradict his testimony that Phyllis's photographs ruined his life; not only was Amanda unapologetic when Alicia scolded her for not having checked out ALL of Erik's social media footprint, but she immediately asked where she's supposed to send her bill, like, is now the time, really? But failing to track down Wendy before Nancy's investigator could is an unforgivable fuckup, and claiming to be "the best investigator in town" after this undeniable proof to the contrary is not a cute move.

Cary vs. Howard

Uh oh, Howard's so determined to prove to Cary he's still a force to be reckoned with that he's arranged to have a court date moved up by a month and the associates are scrambling! Cary marches in during pantless naptime to confront Howard about putting a client at risk over their personal beef, but Howard's remorseless. "You don't want to fight me, Howard," warns Cary. "Actually, I do," he smirks. Is this really an adversary you want, Cary? He has literally nothing else to do but fuck with you.

Winner: Draw.

Tchotchke-ous Interference

Alert Type: Merch Alert.

Issue: Now it's time to go through each individual gift shop item inspired by The Innocents so that Judge Dunaway can decide if it's okay to sell it or not. (Are mouse pads tiny works of art? No. Is a t-shirt kosher? Only if it doesn't have the museum's logo on it.)

Complicating Factors: When Nancy recalls Erik to the stand, he testifies that all the photos in question were taken in Maine, and since that state does not recognize the right of publicity, that moots the whole exploration of gift shop tat. Also, the judge is super-crabby compared to his manner earlier in the proceedings, and when Jason -- Alicia having called him as she was firing Amanda (and when he happened to be taking a meeting at Lockhart Agos, the only other law firm in Chicago) -- shows up, he tells her why: the judge is fasting for Ramadan. Also, Jason's got another witness for Alicia: a Mr. Wilson, who's an expert witness on child pornography since he is a convicted pedophile. He confirms that photos of Erik from The Innocents are very popular in the circles in which he's travelled and that Mr. Wilson himself has..."used" them. (To jerk it.)

Resolution: Phyllis takes the stand again to talk about naked cherubs and infant Jesuses throughout art history. Alicia objects that something is or isn't pornographic on its face, citing a specific statute. But Judge Dunaway points out that she's referring to a criminal statute, but this isn't a criminal case, so since he's not going to rule that Phyllis's photographs are child pornography, the exhibit is going to open the next day as planned, the end.

Spoiler: It's not actually the end.

I For One Think There Should Be More Chicks On The Bench

Situation: Diane's having lunch with her girls from Emily's List when a cheerful Howard shows up to join them.

What makes it awkward? Howard's Howardliness? He's there because Cary told him not to go, knowing that Howard would do exactly that and say a bunch of shit to embarrass Diane and prove Cary's case that he reflects poorly on the firm, and Howard does NOT disappoint! He refers to the organization as "Emily's World," and later announces:

How is order restored? It's not, but at least now Diane is actively pissed about the whole situation, which is what Cary wanted.

She Will Fight Him On The Beaches (Of Lake Michigan)

Eli's telling Nora his plans for Alicia's PR campaign -- pitching stories about Alicia's having started her own firm, and sticking up for the underdog as a bar attorney -- when Ruth overhears, coming up behind him to prohibit everything he wants to do: "You know voters hate defense lawyers. They keep the bad guys out of jail. I won't let you sabotage the campaign." Ruth decrees that she controls the message and that all interviews go through her, and then after Ruth's gone, Nora leans in to whisper to Eli that Ruth had sent her to work for him as Ruth's mole, as anyone with a lick of sense knew she would do...

...but Eli is surprised, I guess? Maybe just by his own skills and how quickly he's been able to piss off Ruth so that she's focusing on him and probably overlooking more important stuff as a result.

Howard vs. Everybody

After Howard's crashing of the Emily's List lunch, Diane has Had it! Officially!, and she and David have forced Cary to quit fucking around and hash out their issues. Cary calmly agrees, but Howard, duh-doy, does not. He claims that Cary started all this by telling Howard he is worthless, which no one believes. He then declares, "There's no common ground, okay? It's either him or me: Cary goes or I do," and stomps out.

Hee.

Winner: Cary.

Jason having previously told Alicia he has a richer counter-offer from another firm and wants to use her continuing interest in his services to get them to jack up the offer -- at which she said she could stretch to $85 per hour -- he's returned to Lockhart Agos to claim this mysterious other would-be is prepared to pay him $200 an hour. WELL I NEVER. Diane smoothly says she'll go up to $250, but that's it: he has to work for Lockhart Agos exclusively, and she needs an answer now! Whatever will this raffish rogue decide to do?!

Out of court, all the relevant parties of Barsetto vs. Barsetto sit down to meet. Now Alicia and Lucca are arguing that since Erik's modeling commitments -- four hours a day, apparently! -- kept him from getting a job as a kid, he's owed back pay, compounded interest, liquidated damages, etc. Erik quietly tells Phyllis she can skip all this if she just gives him the photos, but Alicia tells him the truth: the photos are out already, and while he'll never get back what he lost, the money can help him start the next phase of his life. Phyllis holds out her hand like she had outside the courtroom when this all started, and Erik puts his in it. I immediately call my mother and thank her for not being this self-involved and self-regarding.

Peter comes in to see Ruth and tell her the great news about Frank Landau supporting Alicia! Ruth is 100% out of the loop and totally gobsmacked. Peter needlingly adds that Eli is pretty impressive for pulling this off, DOESN'T RUTH AGREE? She does, under this duress. Peter adds that he would like Ruth to call Eli and tell him how great he is; he doesn't want there to be any bad blood between Eli and Ruth. So Ruth will call him, right? "Willingly!" yips Ruth. I don't totally believe that Ruth would be this clueless about Chicago politics if she agreed to run this campaign, but I also want to believe the next episode will be all about her besting Eli and proving that she deserves the amazing reputation that caused Eli to seek her out in the first place.

Alicia and Grace toast the $32,000 (minus Lucca's cut and Alicia's expenses) that she just made. Thanks, Erik Barsetto's pre-adolescent penis! You really paid dividends this week!

And then Jason shows up to tell Alicia the offer she has to beat now is "$90 an hour, no exclusivity." Sighing, Alicia agrees to go up to $95 but tells him that's absolutely it! He takes it! And I feel like he's also going to take HER before too long! Don't repeat the sexless mistakes of Matthew Goode in Season 6, stupid show!!!