The Good Wife Is Sniffing Glue

Marissa unpacks a shitload of OTC cold medicines for Alicia, who protests that she doesn't have a cold -- she's just got laryngitis because she's been giving too many speeches lately, because have you heard, the election is just a week away! Johnny exposits that she needs to spend the next few hours resting her voice, because she's about to have her interview with a newspaper's editorial board! "Look, we're entering the home stretch," says Johnny. "You and Prady are neck and neck. So this interview today: it's everything." "You have a great bedside manner," cracks Marissa. "'Don't worry about it, but if you screw this up, everyone will die!'" But seriously, the paper's endorsement is worth two points to whichever candidate gets it...which means the election rests on it! BUT TOTES NO PRESH!

As Johnny and Marissa prepare to leave Alicia to concentrate on willing her voice back into existence, both have advice! Johnny says that the paper is conservative -- which in Illinois means "it's an old Democratic machine" -- and that they like Peter, so she should hammer on her "stand by your man" angle! Alicia asks whether Johnny thinks they're going to ask about Zach's having sought an abortion for his girlfriend, and Johnny says they might, and that if they do, she should give them "the angry mom thing"! Marissa, for her part, advises Alicia not to take the nighttime cold medicine before the interview or she'll be "loopy"! I know Marissa's trying to anticipate any calamity in her capacity as Alicia's body woman, but does she seriously think Alicia WOULD NOT KNOW THAT?! Alicia reminds her again that she does not actually have a cold!

Once they've left, Alicia decides to prepare for the interview/torture herself by ChumHumming Frank Prady's already-completed editorial board sitdown! He's smooth and cool as you would expect a professional broadcaster to be, I mean what did Alicia expect?!

And then...okay, you guys, there's no way to avoid this, so let's just address it head-on! Here's where we learn that whenever Alicia is left alone, apparently all she does is fucking fantasize. You know that Sopranos episode "The Test Dream"? This is like the idiot version of that.

Alicia imagines herself nailing her answer on whether the issues in the SA's office are small and/or manageable!

Alicia imagines Johnny and Eli giving her shit for her answers!

Alicia's imagining a question about Zach's girlfriend's abortion leads to her imagining Zach homeless and apparently with a unibrow? How much does he spend on waxing now?!

Rent! The Musical Lawsuit!

Alert Type: Nuisance Suit Alert.

Issue: Louis Canning is suing Florrick Agos Lockhart over what Louis terms its wrongful eviction of Louis's firm from FAL's current offices; according to him, he lost one of his biggest clients because he didn't have an office to hold a settlement conference in (though Alicia suspects it may have actually been due to an incident of Howard's legendary pantlessness).

Complicating Factors: The whole thing where Diane used Howard as her proxy is sketchy as hell, and Alicia knows it.

Resolution: After Alicia puts Kalinda on the task of finding out whether Louis and David have been colluding on this matter -- because all the FAL partners will be out money if they have to settle, except David based on when he joined the firm -- and of course they have. So Alicia calls Diane and Cary to tell them she thinks they're going to have to make Louis an actually decent settlement offer after all.

Spoiler: Louis isn't trying to hear that.

Proof Of Purchase

Situation: A blog is reporting a rumour that Lemond Bishop's been recorded on a wiretap telling someone "Don't worry about getting arrested: I just bought the next State's Attorney."

What makes it awkward? Alicia will probably be asked about it at her big interview, and even though officially she can't know about it...she totally knows he set up her PAC.

How is order restored? Johnny tells her to answer the question in as lawyerly a manner as possible? Duh, she's a politician: lying is probably the way to go.

UnCredited

Unable to help herself, Alicia looks up the blog, CourtScene, that's reporting on the alleged Lemond Bishop wiretap, and as she looks at the mean photo illustration of herself...

...she hears what is unmistakably Will's voice in an autoplaying ad. First, I have to give the writers credit for cleverness here, because although Josh Charles is uncredited, it's an ad for a credit card. Second, Will definitely annoyed me when he was on the show but hearing his voice makes me realize how much I actually miss him! Welcome back, Gardner, even if it's only your uncredited voice unofficially joining us!

Men Men Men Men Many Men

Hearing Will's eerie credit card ad-narrating vocal double has thrown Alicia into such a tizzy that she has to go outside to start fantasizing about every man she's met since she found out Peter was a scumbag, I guess so that the cold will keep her pants from spontaneously combusting! Johnny calling her to talk about how to parse her answer on Lemond Bishop donations just sends her into a reverie about them getting it on...which gives way to Finn under a sheet with Johnny's voice coming out of his gorgeous face...and then she's on to seeing Will -- whose face WE never actually see -- out on a balcony waiting for her. "I've been away, just for a little while," says Faceless Fantasy Will. But even in her imagination, Alicia's not falling for it: "You're not really here, are you?"

Lady, are you SURE you didn't take NyQuil? OR ANGEL DUST?

Losing Her Religion

Alert Type: Crisis Of Faith Alert.

Issue: While Alicia's out daydreaming about boning a dead guy, she gets a text exchange on her phone between Grace and an Evan.

Complicating Factors: Since Alicia has been very open about her own atheism, and about how much Grace's faith weirds her out, she feels responsible.

Resolution: Alicia immediately calls Grace to tell her about it. Grace says this happens whenever Zach updates their software because they share a plan (...okay?), and that Alicia should ignore the texts, and Alicia says she will.

Spoiler: She won't.

"Sniffing Glue!"

Uuuuuuuugh by far the worst fantasy sequence of the whole episode revolves around Alicia's fears for Grace if she really has given up her faith -- to wit, that she's going to end up pregnant and sniffing glue. How about "on molly," Alicia? CONTEMPORIZE. Alicia imagines herself in her kitchen, debating the matter with someone who looks so little like Richard Dawkins that he has to SAY he's Richard Dawkins...

...like the real Richard Dawkins isn't enough of a fame whore to have done this episode for real if someone had just asked him. Anyway, "Richard Dawkins" says Alicia should be happy that Grace has stopped believing in "a fairy tale," and that atheists can live perfectly ethical lives -- maybe more ethical than religious people, citing the example of child-molesting priests, like, something less inflammatory, maybe? Or, like, maybe let's just agree that, on balance, religious and non-religious people are probably EQUALLY ethical?

Johnny On Her Spot

Pastor Isaiah then appears to claim ethical superiority on Christians' behalves, adding that if Grace is going to be subjected to any kind of intervention about her faith or lack thereof, Alicia shouldn't be the one to lead it since she's planning to lie to the editorial board. Alicia says she has to, because she can't answer honestly without co-ordinating with her PAC, which she legally can't do, "and the other thing that...John said." "Oh, you mean the John you're planning to sleep with?" "No. ...YES."

YAAAAAS QUEEN GET ON THAT ELF-D NOW THAT YOU'VE TOTALLY PICTURED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE

And Forgive Louis His Trespasses

Situation: Louis isn't going to be deposing anyone at Florrick Agos Lockhart tomorrow because he fainted and has been hospitalized.

What makes it awkward? When Alicia goes to the hospital -- remembering the promise Louis extracted from her ages ago, that if anything should happen to him, Alicia should visit his wife, Simone -- Simone hilariously, as always, describes the Louis she knows: "Typical Louis, always caring for other people." When Alicia asks if there's anything she can do, like bring food in for Simone and her little girls or something, Simone less hilariously asks Alicia to pray for Louis.

How is order restored? Alicia says she will, to be polite, and then passes the prayer buck to Grace. Uh, Alicia, did you not hear anything fake Richard Dawkins had to say?!

As Alicia gets ready to leave for her interview, Marissa and Grace run into each other in the kitchen! "I'm not trying to replace you," Marissa tells Grace. "I just said that in case you were worried." Grace does not seem concerned that she'll be "replaced" by anyone who's so obsessed with making her mother drink milk!

Grace comes into Alicia's bedroom to tell her she looks pretty...and that she can pray for Louis herself, too! Alicia says it wouldn't mean anything if she did, to which Grace points out that it wouldn't mean anything coming from her, either! When Alicia asks her directly if she's losing her faith, Grace says no, and then that she doesn't know: "It comes and goes"! Alicia says she hopes she didn't influence Grace not to believe: "I'm glad you found something"! Without responding to that, Grace asks if Alicia knows what she's going to say at her interview! Alicia thinks she does! But she doesn't say it out loud, because it's (probably) a giant lie!

After another fantasy of HoboZach, Alicia pulls up his number (not in her Favorites, so she really MUST still be mad at him) and calls...

...but as she's imagining hugging him on his sad park bench of homelessness, he just misses picking up the landline he somehow has!

In the car on the way to the interview, Johnny continues pressing his point that Alicia should lie about Bishop! According to Johnny, the greater truth is that she will need to be elected to do good; if she isn't elected, someone else will get the office and do "bad things" in it! Alicia asks how she knows someone else wouldn't do better than she would, and instead of telling her it's because she's paying him to support her, he claims she'll do better as State's Attorney than Prady because Johnny knows her and has talked to her and believes in her! I know we're massaging the truth but I think my thing might be closer to accuracy!

In Alicia's fantasy, Prady says HE thinks words have to mean what they say, or else they don't mean anything! Fantasy Alicia reminds him that they're running for State's Attorney, not sainthood! "Thank you, St. Alicia," jokes Prady. "Would you lie if you were State's Attorney?" asks Fantasy Alicia. "No, I wouldn't," says Fantasy Prady. "Then I don't think you should win," announces Fantasy Alicia. A vote for Florrick is a vote for lies -- but then, I guess Cook County already knew that!

Alicia gazes at Johnny, and realizes that since she's not going to get very far with ghost dong, she has to make a mental move. "Goodbye, Will."

Johnny tells Alicia one last time to lie about Bishop, like, I THINK SHE GOT IT. "Your voice sounds better," he tells her. "I'm finding it," she says, multiple-level-ly! And then she gets called into the interview, just in time to tell it like it isn't! ...Yay?