Battle Of The Bearded Mentors

Which is a more effective mentor?

There is a lot to recommend Manhattan's Glen Babbit as a mentor for a physicist trying to develop the most deadly bomb the world has ever seen: pleasant manner; healthy sense of humour; beard. And while I'm sure that The Knick's John Thackery has learned a lot from his mentor, Dr. J.M. Christiansen, about surgery, what seems to have stuck most tenaciously is Christiansen's cute little pick-me-up: liquid cocaine, administered intravenously! LIKE, SOME OF OUR PROFS WERE ONLY DEPENDENT ON COFFEE, DUDE.

Winner: Babbit.

Which is engaged in a nobler pursuit?

Reasonable people will certainly disagree on this question. The creation and eventual deployment of the hydrogen bomb basically ended World War II and thus all the human suffering that the fighting caused. But any kid who grew up in the late twentieth century was taught that nuclear war was the single scariest thing any of us could contemplate and if we forgot there were TV miniseries to remind us. At least, nuclear war was the thing '80s kids were most scared of until something even more terrifying came along to displace it, so thanks a lot, AIDS.

Christiansen may have accidentally caused the deaths of a dozen pregnant mothers and their babies, but (a) placenta previa might have killed them without his intervention anyway, and (b) at least he was trying to figure out ways to save people's lives. Sure, some of the people his research ended up keeping alive might have turned out to be enemies of America, but maybe one of them went on to ride the bomb down onto Hiroshima! That's what happened in the war, right? I was an English major.

Winner: Christiansen.

Which has the better beard?

They're both pretty glorious, as you can plainly see, but Christiansen's gets the edge both because we see him dip it in a basin of water before surgery, and because his bald head and sharp cheekbones really make it pop.

Winner: Christiansen.

From a 2014 perspective, which character is portrayed by the '80sier actor?

Don't get me wrong, Stern was part of some very important '80s moments in terms of film history, from Stardust Memories to Diner (hi Sarah!). But the '80sosity of those titles -- both set well before their '80s release dates -- can't possibly compete with the guy who played Max Headroom.

"But--" MAX HEADROOM. THE END.

Winner: Christiansen.

Which is better at managing stress?

Considering the project he's working on, Babbit has a remarkably healthy attitude toward professional stressors, and does his best to convince his mentee Frank of the importance of leaving all those anxious questions at the office, even though from what we've seen so far, he hasn't made much headway.

Speaking of headway and leaving things at the office...well, um, rest in peace, Dr. Christiansen. It was very thoughtful of you to put a sheet down first. Someone else will want to use that office and that's a pretty nice couch you saved from getting splattered with your brains.

Winner: Babbit.

Verdict

Granted, you're not really a GREAT mentor if you ditch the job in such an irrevocable way -- but only a really great character makes you hope for flashbacks and corny hallucinations that will bring him back even after his death. Plus DAT BEARD.

Winner: Christiansen, so it's too bad he didn't stick around to enjoy his victory!