Physician, Slap Thyself

Heading into Aisha's titular episode, I figured it would be as boring as her wardrobe of utilitarian sweaters. Since the pilot, Aisha's seemed to me like one of two characters -- the other being Manolis -- who is actually qualified to make moral judgments about The Slap, or anything else; like Manolis, she's in the challenging position of trying to walk the line between loyalty to family and outrage on behalf of...you know, a kid who got slapped. But seeing what Aisha's like when she's able to get away from everyone who was at that fateful barbecue proves she's just as big a shithead as any of the rest of them AND is still boring. But does this intimate look move her into the top slot on the Slapworthy list? Warm up your slapping hand, Harry...

...and let's count them down, from least to most desperately in need of slapping.

13. Anouk

Uh, why is Anouk babysitting while Aisha goes to this conference in Boston? (a) It's been well established that Aisha works basically all the time, so what difference does it make if she's not sleeping at home? and (b) These children have a father who's not going anywhere except to work, like he normally does. Step up, Hector, you pouty fuck.

Slapworthiest Line: After informing Hector that Connie's going to testify, and presumably not on Harry's behalf (which, by the way, she knows this how?): "Open your eyes, buddy. It's time to wake up."

12. Britten The Meth Head

Is he a meth head? Sure. And that's not great. But at least he's not trying to tell anyone else how to live, AISHA.

Slapworthiest Line: "'Carpe diem,' I thought that it meant to seize sex, drugs, and abandonment at every possible moment." Pretty sure you mean "abandon," bro. Also:

11. Sandi

As a victim of domestic violence, Sandi hasn't, apparently, been able to be very heroic in her own defense, since she has continued to be with Harry after he hit her seven years ago. But getting Aisha out from under Thanassis's pressure to have her testify as a character witness for Harry by telling Thanassis about the assault is legitimately noble, and Marin Ireland's performance in the scene where she tells Aisha that she's done so gives the character of Sandi layers that I'm sure weren't on the page (because they definitely aren't for anyone else in this malarkey). Sandi is the only character, actually, that I'd like to learn more about -- why did she stay? how does she know he won't hit her again? or has he, and she's just covered up since the time Aisha knows about? -- which probably guarantees that last episode is not going to be about her. Sigh.

Slapworthiest Line: "The other day, with Thanassis, I watched what that family did to you. It can be suffocating, can't it?"

10. Ajay

Aisha's Dollar General Robert Downey Jr.-looking would-be side piece is totally cheesy, and he must have taken off his wedding ring the second he left his house in L.A. for the indentation not to show at all by the time he gets Aisha to dinner.

But I don't know why, having pretty much committed to bone him, she has to decide that finding his ring in his clothes is suddenly a dealbreaker. BITCH, YOU MARRIED! Be flattered that he was into you enough to lie! (I'm kidding. She is a hypocrite, though.)

Slapworthiest Line: Three-way tie! When Aisha comments that medical conferences are terrifying: "Maybe it's less terrifying if you can name it." When she tells him about her dilemma with regard to lying about The Slap in court, for the sake of her in-laws: "I'm O and 2 when it comes to the marriage game. I am floating deep in outer space." When things progress with Aisha, sexwise: "If we don't stop now, I won't be able to." Dude, she's a doctor, she knows you can't die from an untended chub.

9. Ritchie

I don't blame him for not wanting to get embroiled in the whole Slap trial, and I blame him even less for yelling at Connie about it. Shut up, Connie.

Slapworthiest Line: Showing one of his (non-Slap) photos to Gary: "I wanted you to sort of feel the slickness. Like, the pollution."

8. Gary

Sending Ritchie to go get Hugo something sugary from the bodega on the basis that "maybe it'll have the opposite effect" does nothing to change my mind about how checked-out Gary is as a parent in general -- remember?

But at least he finally challenges Rosie on her anti-Harry crusade -- though, of course, he has to do it in the most pompous way possible.

Slapworthiest Line: "Ritchie is a kind, decent kid, and we are not going to sully everyone and everything that crosses our path with this case."

7. Manolis

All the goodwill he engenders in me for being alarmed and disgusted by Thanassis's PR plans for Harry are cancelled out by his bad advice to Hector about how to deal with the Connie situation. "Get ahead of it"? With whom? Put down the Ouzo, Manolis (and while you're at it quit being such a cliché, WE GET IT, YOU ARE GREEK).

Slapworthiest Line: "All your life, your need to be good has usurped your need to be you."

6. Aisha

OOOOOH YOU DID DRUGS AS A RESIDENT! YOU'RE SO INTERESTING!

Slapworthiest Line: "We got into the Dexedrine, among other things. Vodka, among other things. We'd been partying for twenty hours straight? Medical students do this, not as much as I did. It's like I was two different people: there was one that was going to be this great doctor, and the other one might have never even survived. And there it was -- you. With your decency. It was your decency that saved me."

5. Harry

Man, Zachary Quinto. I hope the next eighteen roles you play require you to glower 0% of the time just to give those facial muscles a rest.

Slapworthiest Line: This custom-zhuzhed workout top.

4. Connie

Joins Team Rosie to get back at Hector. I get it, but she's still annoying.

Slapworthiest Line: "Oh my god, I just realized: you're scared of me, aren't you?"

3. Thanassis

Still a great lawyer and my hero, but this is unacceptable. First, he corroborates Harry's view from his episode about "the weak": "I have defended the powerful against the most dangerous, vicious, ruthless enemy of all. Do you know who it is? It's the weak and powerless....Because it is the weak and the powerless who become terrorists." AND THEN!

Slapworthiest Line: "From my window in Sands Point, I saw the Towers come down. Yes. So I have seen -- I have seen how the tears of the weak and the powerless can turn steel into rust."

2. Rosie

The way she sidles up to Ritchie to get a look at his photos of the party, off Connie's tip, is pretty gross. Not as gross as how she describes her own Slap-induced PTSD to Gary, though!

Slapworthiest Line: "When I wake up, the first thing is Hugo, he's running, and crying! His face is burning! I see it in my dreams!!!"

1. Hector

Waaaaaaah, my underage ex is going to ruin my cousin's life because I dumped her! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah, I guess I better tell my wife all about how we kissed one time so she knows how goddamn noble I am! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I GOT TO LISTEN TO JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!

Slapworthiest Line: LOL, when Connie won't change her mind about testifying just because he told her to: "You know, for the first time since I met you, you're acting beneath your age."