UnREAL Teaches Hot Rachel A Tough Lesson About Reality Show Dinners

It's easy to understand why Yael goes into this penultimate episode of both UnReal and Everlasting feeling pretty smug. She's collected way more damning material for her Everlasting hit piece than she could have ever dreamed. She's got Coleman, that putz, doing her bidding apparently having completely bought the story she sold him, when we still don't even know how true it is. She's got every reason to think she's going to make it to the final two bachelorettes Suitor Darius will choose to be his fiancée for a while -- and has a strong chance of winning! Rachel, the producer who's had it in for her since the crew started calling Yael "Hot Rachel," has been busted down to assisting Madison, the girl who got her last promotion by blowing Chet. When you find yourself atop a heap of triumphs like Yael has, it's only natural to enjoy the moment, and to needle a former foe by sending her on a demeaning PA errand.

Would Yael have gotten this cocky if she'd seen Rachel feeling herself in the crew truck, poised to unleash hell? Or if she'd known that Madison had tattled on her to Rachel, telling her Madison had spotted Yael creeping out of Coleman and Rachel's office/love nest early in the morning? Maybe not. Maybe if she had, things would have gone differently for her. We'll never know.

Yael's going on a sunset dinner and dancing date with Darius, and she wants to wear a particular blue dress. But when she dispatches Rachel to her room to find and steam it for her, Rachel has a different idea.

I love that (to my knowledge) the show hasn't established that Rachel even knows this ivory number...

...is a dress Yael has before she reaches for it. This plan starts with Rachel deciding to undermine Yael by returning with an outfit other than the one Yael had wanted, and that initially, she could have come back with anything. But then she gets a look at this dress -- sexy with its gold-studded bodice, yet also innocent in off-white -- and filthy inspiration strikes. Returning to the control room after handing it off and finding Quinn ranting to her two remaining producers about the boring episode and even more boring girls, Rachel knows she's come up with a winning idea, and after Jay and Madison have cleared out, Rachel offers to save the day, sidling up to Quinn and purring, "Let me entertain you." Rachel wants her job back. Yael's going to help her get it.

Rachel sets a beautiful table, both literally and figuratively, for Yael's public humiliation. Rachel's sent for sashimi from Yael's favourite restaurant; after they share a mean laugh about Tiffany's divalike dietary restrictions, Rachel tells Yael that Darius is eager to sit down with a woman who'll actually eat with him. Yael is very receptive to advice!

Quinn may not know exactly where this is going...

...but she knows she'll like it when she gets there. And the journey isn't long: dinner over, Darius helps Yael up from the table for a dance, but it's clear that, once she's on her feet, she knows that sashimi didn't make it to the table unmolested, and that it has put her in serious, immediate peril.

Yael tries to excuse herself, but Rachel gets between her and the bathroom, insisting that they can't stop and that she looks so great! In the control room, Rachel's mentor could not be more proud to see how far her protégée has outstripped her as a reality TV artist. Yael, clearly in distress, tries not to ruin her chances with Darius by seeming anything but graceful and composed, but soon she understands that this isn't going to be a situation she can will away, no matter how many Kegels she did before arriving on set. She hauls ass away from Darius to the nearest bathroom -- Rachel making sure the cameras follow -- only to find it locked. Darius, ever the gentleman, tries to help, even as Yael sobs at him to stay away from her. And disaster strikes.

Darius instantly knows this catastrophe is Rachel's handiwork. But just in case Yael didn't, Rachel makes sure not to leave her in any doubt.

mother": "You can finally just rest" -- or, to put it another way, get her head shrunk down to a size he can manage in "a residential program -- a month to start." Rachel's been producing long enough to know exactly what to tell someone to placate him in the moment: "Thank you so much, Coleman! I'm, like, so sorry that I was, like, getting jealous and acting all crazy about Yael; I'm so sorry! You were totally right! You're, like, truly the only person that, like, actually cares about me." We've known Rachel longer than he has, though, so we know she's playing a longer game.

Coleman goes straight from that conversation to one with Yael, who's just been cut from the competition and is now, not unwarrantedly, afraid for her safety if she stays on the set. Coleman starts out trying to talk her down for the sake of their shared vengeance on Everlasting, which ends in them boning, because Coleman couldn't be an upstanding person in even just the one respect.

Elsewhere, Quinn's got her own problems. Having conceded to Booth's declaration that the next woman he gets serious about will bear his biological offspring, she's gone with him to a fertility specialist, and as delighted as she was by Rachel's bowel-blasting attack on Yael, getting the call that she's infertile has changed everything for Quinn. Booth makes some half-assed noises about their next step together, but now that Quinn's body has made the decision for her, she's ambivalent about her temporary betrayal of her own plan for her life...

...and she's done with Lord Fancypants: "There is nothing to figure out, dumbass. You want kids and I can't have them. So get the hell out of my life." Booth sputters that he doesn't know who Quinn is right now. "I know who you are," she says through gritted teeth. "A guy who gets everything he wants. And I won't be anybody's disappointment." She's just finished going ham on the control room when Rachel comes in, just in time for Quinn to break down crying that she might not wanted to have children, but she wanted a choice. Having gotten rid of Booth, though, Quinn wants to try to save her own Ghost Of Christmas Future: "I need you to get out of here," she tells Rachel. "You've got to go, okay? While you still have time. Just go. Okay? Be with that douchebag Coleman, I don't care. I just want you to be happy. Just don't get stuck here....I love you. I love you. You're fired. Fired!"

But now's not the time for Team Money. Dick. Power to start trolling for any of those things independently, as Rachel urgently informs Quinn: "Coleman knows....About Mary and the payouts and the cover-ups and everything, and he's about to expose us. I am so sorry, Quinn." Quinn seems to shut down in panic as Rachel keeps babbling: "Listen, I was so wrong to trust him, but Quinn, we really, just, right now we have to stop him." Quinn remains frozen for a few beats, but when she looks away, Rachel grabs her arm and snaps her out of it: "Suck it up, I need you!" A direct plea from her surrogate daughter brings Quinn back to herself.