Should A Reality TV Humiliation Like Getting Married At First Sight Be 'The Most Important Day' Of Anyone's Life?

How firmly do officiants have to hold their noses in order to perform these ceremonies?

I'm not actually that naïve: I assume they're actually just show staffers ordained by the Universal Life Church or something. But imagine for a moment these are people who really do perform real weddings. Maybe they're progressive crusaders who have watched over the past few years as equal marriage has become a widely accepted practice that even real bigots can barely be arsed to get that mad about. Maybe they're devout clergypersons who take seriously the idea of people pledging -- before all the proud friends and relatives who've watched their relationship develop, and also before God -- to spend their lives together. Then along come these nitwits, trailing cameras, and repeating things like "seal my vow of love for you" in reference to people they met literally minutes earlier and entering into "marriages" in order for a reality show to track how things go. I never thought I was a "sanctity of marriage" person, but these total shams getting dressed up in the language of legal marriage kind of grosses me out -- generally, of course, but particularly at the weddings, as they make "vows" they truly have no business making.

Did we all catch how quickly Nick's mom started living down to my expectations?

"Nick's mom, Marie, is overbearing," I wrote last week after the season premiere, noting that her criticism of Sonia was probably unlikely to end. In the latest episodes, we find out exactly how dire the situation as Nick's status as a "mama's boy" is called out among the details Nick's family and friends allegedly wanted Sonia to know about him. At least Sonia doesn't seem to hear the alarm bells, as Marie becomes one of the many people to whom Sonia bitches that Nick didn't tell her she looked beautiful. Are you this needy with all strangers who cross your path, lady? Even though Marie proves she can take a hint and repeats Sonia's complaint to Nick as Sonia obviously wanted her to, I feel confident that Sonia's (edited to look) long hesitation before her "I do" did not escape Marie's notice, nor will she fail to bring it up as a strike against Sonia as the marriage continues.

Am I crazy or did two of those matches actually look kind of promising at the altar?

I got the impression from the fact that she said "I'm so nervous" about 1500 times that Sonia was nervous, and it seemed like her nerves infected the already low-energy Nick. But considering the torrential rain, Tom and Lillian (who goes by Lily, apparently, so that's what I'll call her) rolled with it surprisingly well -- maybe because the inclement weather was the least freaky thing about the proceedings. Tom's friends and family allegedly wanted Lily to know that Tom "doesn't sweat the small stuff," and that seems to be true; she might have been stressed out about her wilting makeup and hair, but he wasn't, so I think that helped her chill out. Tom and Heather also seemed to approach the event with an appropriate degree of amusement; Heather made a joke out of asking his name, and excitedly screamed "I LOVE DOGS!" when she learned he had one to introduce her to. She may not think he's that hot if his "kind eyes" are the feature she found most notable, though. I guess we'll find out on their honeymoon -- when, one imagines, he'll also get a better look at her face when her 90 acres of braless wedding gown cleavage aren't distracting him.

Not that I saw his eyes drawn to her boobs much. MINE WERE, THOUGH.

Should a reality TV humiliation like this fakey wedding be "the most important day" of anyone's life?

Not to keep hammering Sonia, but that's what she says before she walks down the aisle: "It is the most important day of my life so far." "Important"? Really? The effective start of a reality TV experiment that very well may come to nothing at all? More "important" than when you graduated college or achieved something meaningful for a client in your capacity as a social worker? I really hope that's a line a producer fed her, because it seems like coming at this already cracking up (like Heather) or kiiiiiind of tipsy to loosen up at the reception (like Lily) is probably wiser. None of this is "important." It's silly. In fact, in Sonia's particular case, the more "important" day may be when she meets Nick's dogs -- since, she confesses after they were mentioned in his introduction, she's a little afraid of dogs (GOOD JOB, "EXPERTS"), and if they don't take to her, Nick might choose them over her. ...Okay, he probably wouldn't actually do that. Until six weeks are up and it's time to decide whether to stay married to a dog hater.

Is Lily's sister Miriam possibly a bigger source of drama down the road than Marie will be?

To ask Lily why she wasn't in the wedding at the wedding and ON CAMERA was some advanced-level shit-stirring from Miriam, Lily's eldest sister. What answer are you hoping to get? "I didn't like you as much as the people I did ask, obviously"? I'm going to diagnose the root cause here as jealousy on Miriam's part that Lily gets to be a TV star and she doesn't, so she brought this up on camera to embarrass her. I have to say I'm impressed with how instinctively Tom supports Lily while not trying to insert himself in the argument. BUT....

Could these dudes be more boring?

I guess boring is preferable to abusive, RIGHT, RYAN? Still, I feel like none of these guys has really displayed a lot of memorable attributes. Tom is the one who knows not to get in the middle of a sister catfight. Nick is the one who is going to have to choose between Sonia and his dogs. Derek is...Heather's husband. Maybe they'll loosen up when they're set free from the stifling context of formal weddings -- Nick's going to have the most work to do since he's clearly the most shy, and Sonia has no talent for drawing him out, judging by their one-on-one post-ceremony drink -- but at this point I'm just waiting for the fights. Impatiently.