Danielle Doesn't Seem Bothered That Mohamed Won't Touch Her Until After They're Married

"I'm Home America" brings us further progress of the couples we met in the season premiere...AND an ALL-NEW couple to be confused by/about! What better way to follow their beautiful love stories than by ranking them according to whose engagement's going the best this week? Let's count them up from first to worst.

1. Chelsea & Yamir
   If you heard the phrase "pop star in Nicaragua" in the first episode and thought it sounded a little hard to believe, the second episode probably confirms your doubts as it did mine: the "fan event" for Myla Vox seems to be the guys' little girl cousins and a stringer for HuffPo Central America. I get that Chelsea is upset by the way Gabriel announces Yamir's engagement, but she also says this is Yamir's last appearance with the band, so wouldn't the fans, all twelve of them, figure it out pretty soon anyway whenever the next album comes out and Yamir's not on it? And while we're here, can we talk a little about whether Yamir seems like he might be kind of delayed? I know he doesn't speak English, and maybe it's just the editing, but he seems totally incapable of speaking for himself at the event and just stares at Gabriel with an expression that flickers slightly from blank to terrified. Are we supposed to read some kind of Lou Pearlman svengali situation into Yamir's apparent dependence on Gabriel for all his cues? Yet even in spite of all this, I still think this couple is the most sincere and has the best shot: it certainly helps that Chelsea speaks fluent Spanish. Also, I can't wait for Lauren Lapkus to play her in the Nicaraguan Lifetime Original Movie.
2. Justin & Evelin
   Congratulations to Justin's "friends" Matt and Helen for some A+ reality TV shit-stirring, from claiming that Justin's never spent seven consecutive days with the same woman, making a big deal of the fact that Justin still hasn't introduced Evelin to his family or even TOLD THEM ABOUT HER, and setting him up with "Have you told Evelin about Jen?" because of course he hasn't. Jen is Justin's sister-in-law, better known as "Darth Vader," and she's never liked anyone Justin's dated. Oh, this is going to be so sweet. Nevertheless, the family thing seems to be the one and only issue between the two of them; she seems patient and reasonable, and in their joint interviews she's basically sitting in his lap. If Justin is keeping Evelin from meeting his family so that he can make her like him better in the interim, that's probably a good call if they're all a bunch of judgmental dicks. That said: CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THEM.
3. Danny & Amy
   Guys! Shut up, there's a new couple! Danny lives in one of the parts of Pennsylvania that has that fucked-up accent, and met Amy, who is from Cape Town, on a trip to Australia. They fell in love and now he's brought her to the country so he can marry her. Unlike Justin, Danny's family are all aware of Amy and the engagement -- though it's going to be a bit tough since, as Danny puts it, his father "doesn't agree with interracial marriage" (Danny is white, and though they don't specify what Amy's racial heritage is, she's at least not as white as Danny). However, some of Danny's other relatives are supportive -- like the brother with whom Amy is going to be living, a forty-five-minute drive away from Danny's. See, Danny is a Christian, and he and Amy have agreed to be abstinent until marriage, and while that's a fine choice, I'm curious to know how much of this decision is due to Danny's faith as opposed to his wanting to put off his first encounter with lady parts for as long as possible while not getting beaten up by the guys on his construction crew? IF YOU GET MY MEANING? Anyway: Danny gets Amy from the airport, drops her off at his brother's -- a person Amy's never met, btw -- then says he'll see her tomorrow night after work and peaces out. He didn't even TAKE A DAY OFF for her first full day in America? Amy's like, "What am I gonna do?" Danny tries to say she's going to sleep, like she hadn't thought of that (which smacks of someone else telling him not to bother taking the day off since she wouldn't be awake for it anyway), and she's like, ...okay? He seriously has dropped her in the middle of nowhere, with strangers. I hope she has some mad money tucked in her shoe because this could turn into Act 1 of a horror movie so fast. Good luck, Amy, damn.
4. Danielle & Mohamed
   Mohamed on his new home: "The first impression about the apartment is, I felt seemed like a little bit small." Mohamed on attraction: "If we talk about physically our relationship, sure, I think about it, and Danielle is acceptable for me." But conveniently (for Mohamed), he can put off testing that assessment, since Mohamed is also abstinent for religious reasons. Danielle seems slightly bummed that she won't get to fool around with Mohamed for a while, but then, since he says that his goal in the next ninety days is to "get married [no mention of Danielle in particular] and get a job," maybe she won't have to wait that long. Or should I say, maybe Mohamed won't have that excuse to use for long? Later, Danielle introduces Mohamed to her son Corey, who no longer lives with her, and who is four years younger than Mohamed. Corey takes him outside to speak in private, and deliberately says, "I'm very, very worried that you're going to end up scamming my mom." Mohamed: "Okay." He does manage to say that he gave up a lot in Tunisia to come here, and that he's there because he wants to be with Danielle. MAYBE IT'S TRUE! (It's not.)
5. Brett & Daya
   Can we all agree that Daya is the fucking best? She hated Brett's dumb non-rose flowers. She suggested to him -- IN FRONT OF HIS MOM -- that the ring he bought her is paste, and then GOT HIM TO AGREE TO TAKE IT TO A JEWELLER TO CONFIRM THAT IT'S NOT. She complained that he served wine with the dinner he "made" (served from styrofoam takeout containers that were still on the table) instead of her preferred drink, tequila. So far, Daya is the object lesson of why you shouldn't marry the first pretty Filipina who agrees to take your videochat call because you might not find out until you've flown her over that she's a materialistic bitch, and I am GREAT with that. You go, Daya! Get him to add you on his credit card, too! (Also, Brett has a child? Another woman let him put his wang in her? I guess I'll believe it when I see it.)