American Horror Story Meats The Neighbors

Entities Keeping Dominic And Shelby From Escaping The House Through The Underground Tunnels

Violating The Hobo Code

Lee's still having the worst time of all the Roanokers who...haven't already been killed: not only does she have to sit there, physically restrained, while Mama lectures her about how to make the best jerky (a fine, razor-sharp blade is key!) and dread the moment the knife actually comes at her; she's also got to hear the tale of how the Polks became cannibals in the first place. It seems that, during the Depression, the Polks were robbed by hobos, who slaughtered and ate their very last pig. When one of Mama's ancestors found the thieves, all fat and sassy and full of pork, he resolved that the Polks would never go hungry again, and it's been all cannibalism all the time since! It helps that the family's come up with a little slogan to dehumanize their dinner: "If you ain't Polk, you ain't people." I assume we can expect to see that on bumper stickers if things go wrong in the presidential election next week? Lee reminds Mama and her assistant, her son Jether, that North Carolina has the death penalty and that they're all screwed, but that just cracks up the Polks, who've had dirty cops in their pockets for years: "Pay 'em better than the state ever could." Well, enough chat: time to attack Lee's leg with a saw!

Traditional Gifts Of A Jolly Polk Christmas

• A bag of mentholyptus
• A jar of blackstrap molasses
• More ammo
• Cuddles with Mama (babies only)

• A pickled human ear

Y'All...Who's Shooting Lee?

Last week, we knew that Agnes was running around with a camera she'd taken off the guy she killed. But now she's dead, and also, there's none of that jazz around the frame in this shot of Lee, captured with a handheld camera.

Who shot this footage?!

R.I.P. Shelby

Shelby and Dominic (badly) bar the entrance to the underground passageway, only to be chased back up to the kitchen by the Pig Man, where Shelby starts to fall apart, and ruefully disabuse Dominic of the notion that they're going to be able to get out of this shit with "mumbo jumbo [they] can use." Before long, Pig Man's busted out of the basement; Shelby stabs him, and she and Dominic take off again.

And then...okay, I would love to tell you what happens after that, but it's all VERY CONVINCINGLY shot to look like amateur footage, which means it's impossible to tell what the fuck is happening. I think I see the Pig Man (not killed) (because he's a ghost), and the nurses, and whatever thing can crawl on the ceiling, and then the chandelier comes crashing through the circular staircase, and long story short, Shelby and Dominic end up back in the bathroom, Shelby laughing hysterically. Dominic begs Shelby to keep it together, since he needs her help to get them out of there, but Shelby has no confidence that they're going anywhere. "I killed the only man I ever loved," she tells him. "I took life with my own hands. There's no place left for me." And then the soundtrack swells so we know it's on, and this is not a surprise at all.

Farewell, Shelby! You're teaching Sarvangasana to the angels now.

Facin' Mason

Who's causing a family crisis? Lee.

How? She's actually managed to appeal to Jether's humanity and convinced him to let her make a message for her daughter, Flora. He turns the camera on her, and she gathers her strength to seem calm as she tells Flora she loves her and always will, and because she loves her so much, she wants her to know something: "I killed Daddy. That's on me, and me alone. No one else helped me. It's nobody's fault except mine. He was gonna take you away from me, and I couldn't see my life going forward that way. I don't know if, one day, you'll forgive me. I just want you to go on without the weight of lies and doubt. You go on, Flora, and rise up. There's nothing holding you down."

Which relatives have a problem with it? Probably Flora, when she watches this? Mason might not have been a perfect father, and it is cruel to deny an innocent child access to one of her parents. But Lee did bring Flora to hang out in a HAUNTED HOUSE, so maybe Mason was right.

Who's an unlikely ally? Jether, who might actually be nice, deep down? He doesn't just indulge Lee's request; he also covers her lap to hide her carved-up thigh, from which Lee Jerky has already been harvested.

Spoiler: This alliance is going to be short-lived.

As he gives Lee water, Jether admits that he's never killed anyone before, but Mama says it's his turn. Lee answers this with bravado: "You're gonna kill me? Bust your cherry? Looking forward to it?" Jether tells Lee he doesn't want to hurt her. "Too late," she snorts.

But then things take a turn? When Jether positions himself between Lee's parted thighs, Lee sees an opportunity; when Jether mumbles, "I like you," she tells him she likes him too. Apparently whatever inbred birth defects have afflicted Jether cause him to get extremely phlegmy when he gets aroused, but Lee is undeterred, telling Jether, "Do you want to touch me? I want you to." She convinces him to free her so that she can touch him and "make [him] feel good"...

You guys, I can't believe Lee didn't really mean it! She easily overpowers him, but can't get far because her leg hurts so much, and stops for another toot of the ground-up Oxy he'd offered her earlier.

And when Jether rouses himself to try to stop her, Lee makes him stop stopping her. Bye, Jether! We'll always remember you as the character who actually made Finn Wittrock look unappealing, for the first and I hope last time in his life!

First Class Problems

Back at the house, Dominic is still shut up in the bathroom with Shelby's corpse, and looks into the nearest mounted camera to beg Sidney to come help them, before dipping into self-pity: "All I wanted is my own show. I'm supposed to go to Thailand next month. I've never been. I'm flying First Class."

I STILL CAN'T TELL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

Audrey and Monet are still alive, tied to chairs in another part of the Polk compound -- and while Jether may have been savvy enough to understand what My Roanoke Nightmare enough to want to get himself on it, one of his kin doesn't get who's who and blames Audrey for having gotten the Polk "babies" removed by the authorities. Audrey and Monet eagerly offer up Shelby and Matt instead, volunteering to take the Polks to Matt and Shelby at the house and look the other way when the Polks do whatever they want to them. But then the subject turns to teeth. Audrey wails that the tooth rain on the show wasn't real, but one of Mama's other boys isn't convinced. Mama's told them that teeth are the only part of a body that doesn't burn, so if they wear teeth, they won't burn either. But they're a few teeth short of a full necklace, so they're going to need to grab some out of Audrey and Monet. In the melee, Monet's chair breaks and she gets away, promising Audrey to come back for her...but seriously, the camera work is so frenetic and everything is SO DARK it's just chaos to me.

Anyway: after she sends the men off after Monet, Mama gets down to business with Audrey, mentioning that she should be grateful she's not getting "strung up like that boy in the tree." Audrey assumes that means Mama killed Rory and gets very agitated. Getting one of her own teeth yanked shuts her up, though!

R.I.P. Mama

Whether or not Monet really did intend to come back for Audrey, Lee gets to her first. Once Lee's sprung her, Audrey wastes no time smashing Mama's head in. Farewell, Mama! I learned a lot from you about the importance of a good meat rub.

Welcome Matt

Who's causing a family crisis? Matt.

How? His corpse is the first thing Lee and Audrey see when they comes back into the house through the underground passage.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Lee. Duh. She has a meltdown, forcing Audrey to keep her moving rather than wallow in her grief, since whomever killed Matt is probably still in the building. True, but not the way Audrey thinks!

Who's an unlikely ally? Shelby, who agrees with Lee that Matt's death is a very big deal. Excuse me: agreed. Because she killed herself over it.

Spoiler: Lee's not trying to hear that.

Women vs. Dominic

Audrey and Lee make it up to Audrey's room, where she dips into her drug stash to supply Lee with anything that might assuage her pain. When she heads into the bathroom for water, she runs right into Shelby's corpse -- and into her screams, Dominic, sitting behind the door, tells Audrey, "She killed herself." He tells Audrey and Lee the truth about the events that led to Matt's murder, but they don't believe him -- not even Lee, who knows Shelby came back to this house to try to reunite with Matt. (It also doesn't look great for Dominic that he's still holding the knife.) Dominic tries to defend himself, to no avail: Lee and Audrey shove him into the hall. The Pig Man is out there waiting for him, which Audrey kind of sees; she tells Lee they need to let him back in, but Lee's not having it: "It's his fault they're all dead." Yes and no? (Also where did all the old-timey ghosts go?)

Winner: Not Dominic, dead by the Pig Man's...uh...trotter?

It's a brand-new beautiful morning at the worst house on earth! Audrey wakes with a start; Lee, who's apparently been awake a while, informs her that they have to go back to the Polk farm. Audrey thinks that's insane, telling Lee they have nothing to fear from the footage of them killing the Polks given that they acted in self-defense, because Audrey doesn't know that Lee is ACTUALLY worried less about that than she is about her murder confession. Audrey says she wants people to see, but Lee is coolly convincing: "If the wrong people get their hands on that footage, the only thing the world will see is the image of you caving in an old woman's head with a hammer. That is what people will remember, I promise you. I'm getting that tape, then I'm gonna hot-wire that truck and get the hell out of her. You're welcome to come with." An actor knows better than anyone how film can be cut into an unflattering edit, so that does the trick.

"He really was such a wonderful scene partner," babbles Audrey actressly as she and Lee creep through the hall and past Dominic's corpse. "He gave me so much to play with, some of my best moments...." Lee says she can't look at Matt's body again, but Audrey thinks they'll be okay going out the front door.

Speaking of a tight edit!

"Dylan!" exclaims Audrey, recognizing her co-star. BLACKOUT!

Who's Still Alive?

• Audrey
• Lee
• This Dylan dude
• Monet, as far as we know
• The other two Polk men
• Flora???