Witch Side Are You On?

Acts Of War

Alert Type: Defector Alert.

Issue: The covenites have figured out that Queenie's crossed over to Marie Laveau's side, and they track her down to try to get her back juuuuuuust in time for her to harvest a dark heart, for one of Marie's spells, from a rapist.

Complicating Factors: Even though she delivered Madame to Marie, Queenie still has some residual affection for Madame, secretly bringing her a "Jumping Jack with Cheese" (a burger). Marie walks in on Queenie and Madame having a friendly moment and isn't pleased.

Resolution: Though Madame taunts Marie, reminding her that Madame can't be killed, Marie finds a way to punish her anyway...which we will get to.

Love & Death

Fiona is still (a) fooling around with the Axe Man and (b) dying (of meningeal carcinomatosis, apparently). He wants to take her away for her last good month on earth, but she declines: "I don't want you watching me decay." When he asks whether she's ever considered taking matters into her own hands, she says she's not going out like that: "I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of me killing myself. I'll stay alive just to spite them." REMEMBER THAT BECAUSE I THINK THAT'LL COME UP AGAIN. Oh yeah: in case you forgot, the reason Fiona's cancer is progressing so quickly is that a new Supreme is rising; she still doesn't know which one, but Fiona plans to kill her as soon as she's figured it out.

That Deep Down Clean

Remember when Luke, the hot piece next door, got an axe to the back from a demon? Well, he made it, but unfortunately for him, the only person around who can treat his axe holes (hee hee) is his bitch of a mother, who won't let him see any of the girls because of their dark powers and stuff. (Note: the only one he actually seems to be pining for is Nan, so apparently baking a cake for a bro actually will get you pretty far.) When he sticks up for the witches — they did save his life, after all — she smacks him and tells him, "Only Jesus can save you." However, he has to repent first, and cleanse himself of impurities, which apparently means letting her give him an Ajax enema.

Killing Time

Who called the meeting? Cordelia.

What's it about? Now that she knows Fiona killed Madison, Cordelia's decided that Fiona has to be killed: but even in her weakened state, Fiona still has powers, so they need to come up with a flawless plan to pull it off.

How'd it go? Pretty well; Fiona hasn't really inspired a ton of loyalty, and since they know that Fiona's death will speed the rise of the new Supreme, they're psyched to find out who that's going to be. And when the discussion is interrupted by the arrival of Misty — on the run from a shadowy assassin (Hank, duh) and with the fully-revived Myrtle in tow — the coven increases its potential power by 33%.

Late Middle-Aged Suicide (Do It)

Alert Type: Appeal To Nobility Alert.

Issue: After performing a ritual known as The Sacred Taking, the covenites are united in carrying off a plan to trick Fiona into killing herself. First, Madison will appear, all alive and shit, dancing around and looking like the next Supreme, and also pointing out that since she'll rat out Fiona for having killed her, Fiona will be sentenced to burn at the stake.

Complicating Factors: Fiona concludes that she could just go on the lam instead, which wouldn't solve the problem for the coven.

Resolution: Myrtle appears to show Fiona a vision of her last days: old, ugly, feeble, and abandoned by everyone, especially Axe Man. Fiona is so horrified that she takes a bunch of pills and settles into bed to wait for death.

Spoiler: Spalding — now a spirit haunting the house — shows up at Fiona's bed to catch her up on all the stuff she doesn't know, and to tell her he forbids her from killing herself; he even provides her with ipecac so she can barf up the pills.

R.I.P. Joan Ramsey, 1950ish-2013-

Poor Joan. You certainly deserved to die for your many sins and weirdnesses — most viewers probably would have been on board with you getting killed even before you enema-ed your adult son earlier in the episode — but given your justified suspicion about the witches next door, you definitely did not deserve to die getting shot by blessed silver bullets from a witch hunter's gun just because Nan happened to hear your abused son's tortured thoughts and came over to rescue him, putting herself at risk of assassination by a guy with, apparently, terrible aim. Fortunately for you, said witches are always trying to prove their powers to each other, and with Misty Day a recent addition to the coven, you get to be the prop she uses to show off her resurgence abilities to Fiona. Maybe you'll be more tolerant of other people's belief systems now? But probably not.

What It Feels Like For A Girl (Who's About To Become The New Supreme)

Three's A Crowd

Just one episode after Madison and Frankenkyle thought they had solved their love triangle problem by forming an official throuple with Zoe, it turns out that some people have a hard time being ethical sluts and fall back to following societal norms. I mean, what chance did Frankenkyle have of breaking from tradition: he's a combination of, like, half a dozen guys' heteronormative rearing. Anyway, now that Frankenkyle has learned what sex is, he just wants to do it all the time, including when Zoe's freaked out about the shooting that just happened next door and the fact that Fiona isn't dead after all. But then it turns out that he doesn't just have hot pants for her: he also has a hot heart, and tells her he loves her. Hey, she loves him too! And Madison loves them both, which is why it's sad when she overhears their declarations. Sadface.

Mommie Nearest

Who called the meeting? It's kind of impromptu, but Fiona, I guess.

What's it about? The whole botched "assisted" suicide thing, and how the two of them are going to proceed from here.

How'd it go? Well, considering that Cordelia just tried to engineer Fiona's death a few hours ago: pretty great. Fiona says she's impressed that Cordelia and the girls had the "grit" to attempt such a thing, and especially proud of Cordelia. For her part, Cordelia's kind of relieved that her plan didn't work: now that they're dealing with a witch hunter, she figures she'll need Fiona on her side. And Fiona is looking kind of invigorated by the whole ordeal: what kind of transdermal painkillers has she stitched into all these new head scarves?