Clone High's Ponce Faces Beverly Hills, 90210's Dylan In The Battle Of The Lukes Perry

Which is more successful "romantically"?

[Very JFK Voice] We mean SEEEEEEEEEX! I figured we'd start with an easy one. In addition to all the poon-slaying Beverly Hills, 90210's Dylan did before the events of the series began -- the girl he got pregnant in Paris, helloooooooo! -- he dates both Brenda and Kelly for multiple (if not necessarily consecutive months); he throws a leg over Val before he even learns her name;* and can scarcely cross paths with any female human without lasciviously eyeing her down. And I mean any: it's very easy to imagine him getting all the way down with Cindy Walsh if he thought she'd let him. (He should be so lucky!)

Though we only get a limited amount of time to get to know Ponce, he spends it seeming pretty asexual.

...Well, maybe not exactly asexual.

Winner: Dylan.

Which is more popular/revered among his peers?

It's a bit difficult to evaluate Dylan on this score, since popularity isn't something he ever courted or, probably, wanted. Still, he was known as a fixture of the West Beverly "Gang" and was awarded the coveted Most Handsome title at the end of his senior year. But Dylan was never explicitly shown to be a trendsetter at West Beverly -- not like Ponce, who's so widely admired among his classmates, he can even get them to copy his penchant for littering.

Winner: Ponce.

Which is a better friend?

Ponce is just trying to tell JFK how much Ponce values him when JFK gets too alarmed by talk of feelings and shuts him down, leading Ponce to scream that he hates JFK.

Ponce doesn't really mean it and immediately regrets it, but it still means the last conversation JFK has with his fellow pea in a pod ends in a very unfortunate way.

Dylan's a pretty shit friend overall: he cheats on Brenda, sister of his supposed best friend Brandon, and refuses Brandon's help during his intermittent dalliances with problem drinking. But I guess he did keep Brandon from falling off that cliff to his death in Season 2.

Winner: Dylan.

Which has better fashion sense?

Winner: Draw.

Which has the better dad?

Winner: Ponce.

Which was involved in a more memorable death scene?

Winner: Dylan.

Verdict

Both Ponce and Dylan are gravelly-voiced high schoolers with suspiciously craggy foreheads and receding hairlines. But only one of them is Mad, Bad, and Dangerous To Know in all the best ways, and it's not the one who's a clone of the guy who found the Fountain of Youth.

Winner: Dylan.