Do Girls Always Hate Their Guys' Friends?

The challenge to TV series that make at least a cursory attempt to represent relationships in a somewhat realistic way (I hope that's enough qualifiers) is how to fudge their portrayals so that viewers don't wonder too much why the characters basically never interact with anyone who isn't in the opening-credits cast. (Remember when the Friends friends would have birthday parties? Who were all those other people?!) So occasionally, shows have to run episodes that sort of explain why we never see any socializing with nobodies. For example: last night's Happy Endings, and the Seinfeld episode "The Bizarro Jerry."

Who Did It First?

"The Bizarro Jerry" aired October 3, 1993. Nineteen years, three months, one week, and five days later, Happy Endings aired "The Ex Factor."

Winner: Seinfeld.

Who Did It More Dramatically?

When Pete (Nick Zano) suggests to Penny (Casey Wilson), on last night's Happy Endings, that she meet his friends and that they hang out with his social circle for a change, Penny is beyond uninterested: she takes a couple of minutes even to understand what he's talking about. So when the summit actually does happen, the only drama is in how much Penny overcorrects the dickish behaviour ("Oh, you don't do pile-ons?") that is de rigueur with the gang we know. But on Seinfeld, when Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) has a similar revelation after spending more time with her boyfriend Kevin (Tim DeKay) and his friends, it kind of causes her to rethink her entire social life, and whether what she really wants is to surround herself with people who do charity work and read.

Winner: Seinfeld.

Who Made It More Believable?

Happy Endings is, by its nature, a more realistic show; goofy shit happens, but usually not that much goofier than things you and your friends may do, at least as long as we're talking about the characters who aren't Max (Adam Pally). But Seinfeld episodes tended to follow high-concept themes: anti-dentism, close talkers, or -- in this case -- the idea that Kevin and his friends actually exist in a parallel universe where they are "bizarro" (opposite) versions of Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld) and his crew.

Winner: Happy Endings.

Whose Stakes Were Higher?

The worst thing that can happen to Penny if things don't go well with Pete's friends (which, surprise, they don't) is that Pete will break up with her -- and this probably wouldn't be that big a setback; dudes break up with Penny all the time. But Elaine's exposure to Kevin and the bizarros shakes her up so much that she breaks up with Jerry, George (Jason Alexander), and Kramer (Michael Richards), finding the serenity represented by Kevin and company more appealing.

Winner: Seinfeld.

Whose Outcome Was More Satisfying?

Elaine's crisis -- like most sitcom crises -- resets itself by the end of the episode, when she throws in her lot with Kevin and his friends, and they end up scolding her for behaviours that Jerry would find unobjectionable (helping herself to Kevin's fridge, for example); thus, Elaine realizes that bizarro life is not for her after all. But on Happy Endings, Pete and Penny mutually agree not only that she shouldn't have to spend any more time with his friends (or they with her, really), but that her friends are more unbalanced and, therefore, more fun to hang out with.

Winner: Happy Endings.

So...Who Wrote It Better?

Guys, look...I understand math, and I can see by the numbers that Seinfeld should be the winner. But consider this: the premise of "The Bizarro Jerry" is that Elaine et al have something to be ashamed of. Kevin and his friends may be appealing for all the obvious reasons, but does Elaine really want to commit her friendship to a group of people who are nice to their version of Newman? The more time she spends with them, the clearer it becomes that their kindness and good manners shade into smugness. The Happy Endings crew in general -- and maybe Penny in particular -- are jerks, of course, but there's never any doubt from the second we meet them that Pete's friends are boring pills. I mean, the debt ceiling? Jesus. So while both episodes' endings reinforce the ethos of the series they represent, Happy Endings's does so with less ambivalence.

Winner: Happy Endings.