Contrivance, Contrivance Will Tear Us Apart Again

As one would expect given the way the last episode ended, the latest Jane The Virgin revolves, in large part, around the medical crisis arising from Alba's having been pushed, very telenovelically, down a flight of stairs. And as if the sight of an older lady in critical condition weren't enough of a stressor, this very smart, sly, edgy show in the guise of a fizzy romantic melodrama reminds us that Alba is undocumented and could find herself at risk of being deported even as she fights for her life. "That can't be legal!" Xo exclaims. But it is!

Are we really surprised that America would be so gross when the bogeyman of illegal immigration crosses paths with the for-profit health "care" industry when this is what might happen to a foreigner who's visiting legally and thought she was covered by her travel insurance? But I digress!

Because he is great, Rogelio uses his fame and influence to get a police escort to be by Xo's side as she sits vigil with a still-unconscious Alba, and even a very silly gag about his not knowing which of the contents of his Paloma swag bag are going to be useful gets an extra twist from the wonderful Jaime Camil.

(How does he wring comedy even out of dropping a pair of sunglasses? God, he's good.) Anyway, Rogelio's immediate arrival to support Xo even though she's told him they can't see each other romantically is but the latest installment of his ongoing project to be the world's best non-boyfriend -- not that Xo is even thinking about her love life at the moment given the way her mother is apparently in the middle of dying. Just as Rogelio has taken extreme measures to do right by Xo, Xo takes extreme measures to do right by her mother, making a desperate bargain with God.

What Xo doesn't know -- but the narrator points out -- is that Alba wakes up in the middle of Xo's prayer and hears the whole thing, but fakes like she hasn't.

After Alba's let Xo finish telling God she's going to close up shop, sexwise, and touched her hand to show her she's awake -- and then, on top of that good news, the doctor returns to say that whole "medical repatriation" thing has been taken care of -- Xo wants to express her happiness and relief with a kiss on Rogelio's beautiful face, she remembers her promise to God and stops herself...

...and Alba silently rejoices. I'm sorry, you guys: I can't with this. I get that Alba's pious attitude about premarital sex and ruined flowers is one of the pillars the show's whole premise rests on. I definitely buy that Xo would have internalized Alba's oppressive slut-shaming so much that she'd describe sleeping with men -- something that she, as a woman who's pushing forty if not already pushed past it, is by most people's standards entitled to do -- as crassly as "let[ting] a man between these legs." However, by this point we know that when Alba found out that Xo was pregnant, she tried to get her to have an abortion, and therefore that Alba is a total hypocrite about sex in general and sexual ethics in particular!

Alba doesn't have a problem with Rogelio: in fact, in every interaction she's had with him, she's been completely starstruck. She can probably tell that Xo really loves him, and has maybe loved him for a couple of decades. So if she wants Xo to be happy -- something most non-monster mothers want for their daughters -- and if she's already betrayed her own supposed beliefs with regard to sex and its consequences in kind of a major way, then shouldn't she maybe think about dropping her whole reactionary attitude toward celibacy? Or, if not, could she maybe quit being so fucking smug about having been the cause of Xo's making such a ridiculous, self-denying promise?

I certainly never planned to go public with my reaction to Alba's fall down the stairs and subsequent teetering on the brink of death, but that smile and nod at Xo refusing to give in to her throbbing biological urges gives me no choice: I kind of feel like all these characters would be a lot happier and certainly far less guilty about living their lives if Alba were out of the picture. Yeah, yeah with the baking lesson and the magic rosary and her helping to raise Jane when Xo was sowing her wild oats and everything: Alba needs to recognize that her unmarried daughter and granddaughter are adults, and that her old-fashioned disapproval of their reasonable relationship choices is going to drive them away from her. Or maybe it's just driven me away from her. Either way, she needs to cut that shit out.