Screen: Showtime
Ask An Apparently Immortal Monster Who Was Sewn Together From A Bunch Of Corpses And Who Also Just Got A Job In The Theatre
You have to admit: he does bring a unique perspective to problem-solving.
I have just given birth to my second child, and I have a feeling that I did a poor job preparing my elder son for the arrival of his little sister. Trent has been the center of attention in the lives of his father and me for all of his six years, but he seems to be very jealous of baby Millie and how much of my attention she requires. Trent has drawn some very dark pictures of Millie (one that shows him throwing her in a garbage can, for instance); he's also bitten her and secretly unbuckled her car seat when the car was in motion. Until now, Trent has been very even-tempered and sweet, so I don't think the situation is irredeemable. How would you suggest we integrate the baby into our family in a way that lets Trent know we still treasure him and that he hasn't been replaced?
- Connie
How wonderful for you, that you were able to create a life and that your creature pleased you -- for a time. I have plentiful empathy for Trent as he confronts the hard world, as he sees this Millie taking what should be Trent's rightful place. He must be plagued with self-recrimination: what did he do wrong to make you feel you had to iterate on your original model? What must he do to pull your attention back to him? Wouldn't you all be better off, stronger as a family, if the usurper were no more? I recommend that you plan some activities for you and Trent alone, to make him feel special again. Otherwise you could one day find yourself chatting warmly with Millie only to see her rent in twain by Trent's bare hands as they tear straight through her chest cavity. It sounds like madness, but trust me. It could happen.
I recently broke up with a guy I was dating -- I'll call him Tom -- and he is taking it much harder than I expected. Considering that we only went out a couple of times, Tom is reacting in a way I think is kind of over-the-top; he's obviously creeping on my Instagram feed and has shown up outside my workplace to try to talk to me. I recently accepted a job in another city, and I am actually concerned that he might follow me there. How can I get Tom to understand that our relationship, such as it was, is definitely over?
- Jeff
Am I to understand that just because your time together was brief, you feel Tom is not entitled to grieve its end? To rage against the dying light of your love -- to do everything in his power to convince you that you were wrong to flee from him and that you owe him a chance? I see. I'm sorry that I have no advice for you. But Tom, if you're reading this, heed me: you must continue following Jeff to his place of work. Should he move cities, follow him there too. Follow him over burning deserts and icy plains, through forests and creek beds and over the seas. Follow him to the very ends of the earth if you must, so that every time he lays his eyes on you, he feels you as a living rebuke to his short-sighted choices. Then maybe try Match.com.
I've just been named the stage manager for my high school's production of Our Town. What would you say is the most important thing I should keep in mind to make the production a success?
- Brianna
Congratulations on your new post! As you undoubtedly know, I have recently joined the crew at the Grand Guignol, and while making Dr. Frankenstein's life hell on earth is still my top priority and most hotly burning passion, the theatre is a very close second indeed, and I know you will find the work as rewarding as I do. My advice: be extremely organized. Find a spot where you can touch yourself as you stare lasciviously at your leading man or lady -- whichever you prefer; I don't judge -- without being observed. Learn the play's script inside and out. And have fun!!!