Bejeweled

Diamonds are forever. This episode only feels like it. How much do you need to watch? Let us break it down.

The Challenge

When Heidi is preceded onto the runway by a couple of security guards in tactical gear, the dumb guesses start flying: is it a military challenge? It is not. The guards are here to protect the inspiration for this week's evening wear challenge: $30 million worth of diamonds, divided amongst the models. Bradon, winner of last week's challenge picks first, and wisely picks the only pretty jewels, which happen to be worn by his model from last week; the button bag does the rest, and it doesn't matter who gets what because all that shit is tacky as hell. You also might expect Timothy to be a pinko about the precious-gem aspect of the challenge, and you're right! He thinks choosing his inspiration based on which jewellery is the prettiest is "superficial," as opposed to all the other extremely momentous decisions he's been making in this fashion competition. But he's going to run with a "trash to treasure" concept, so he's fine.

Thank You, Mood!

Oh shit, guys, when Timothy came up with that "trash to treasure" thing, he meant he's literally going to scavenge scraps of fabric from the actual garbage at Mood. He also gives himself permission to buy some blue crushed velvet that isn't organic or deadstock, because it's left over from someone else's purchase at some other time. Well, that's handy.

Sewing-Room Drama

The designers have barely returned from Mood before Sandro (a.k.a. Russian Freddie Mercury) gets into it with Ken at the sewing machines over...something??? Seriously, it's not even kind of clear what they're fighting about, but Justin hilariously interviews that their bickering was making him nervous that he'd sew his finger, so he turns off his hearing aid. Hee!

Elsewhere, Helen is hella cocky about all her evening gown experience, and how she's going to challenge herself by making a bodice with (boob) cups. Pride goeth etc.

The next day, with the runway imminent, Sandro has a meltdown when he can't get the steamer to work, and actually drags a production crew member in front of the camera and demands that he fix it. In this effort, Sandro is not successful. I kind of can't believe the crew guy even let himself get manhandled into the show like that.

The Runway

Blah blah product placement. People's gowns walk. Alexandra's, a bias-cut black satin that moves like a dream and showcases the jewels beautifully, is my personal favourite.

But then, just as Helen's look is about to walk (and God, this poor model, Timothy last week and now this), Helen starts crying so hysterically that Heidi sends Tim over to talk her down.

Then Sue's look walks, and when I say walks I mean straight out of Frederick's of Hollywood, with the ruched jersey.

The Judging

It's Zac, Nina, and Heidi, along with Eric Daman, formerly Gossip Girl's costume designer and an Emmy winner for same. Nina and Heidi love Dom's look. She's chosen a very pretty bright green on white print that's a bit daytime for me, but I get it.

Timothy thinks "razorback" is a fashion term. He means "racerback," and also it's on the front and looks dumb; as Heidi notes to Nina, it's...not possible to wear a bra under that nonsense.

For all Sandro's carrying on, his look (a sort of crop top and pencil skirt) looks pretty good. I mean, I wouldn't wear it and I would judge anyone who did, but the execution is good and I couldn't tell it hadn't been pressed. The judges like it, too, though there's a lot of subtextual worry about his taste level, so remember I said that when it comes up in future Sandro critiques.

Helen gets dinged for her shitty boob cups -- which is unforgivable in front of Heidi, who (accurately) describes herself as "boob-obsessed." There's no hiding Helen's rushed construction and bad time management, and she is contrite...until Nina comments that she can't believe Helen is a bridal designer and Helen uncorks a tearful speech about her passion for special occasion designs. Then Sandro pipes up to support her and Helen's like, "Don't help."

The Lounge

Alexandra is so bitchy to Timothy about being in the bottom two for two consecutive weeks. Then Sandro gives him the constructive criticism (for real) not to talk to the judges so much, and Timothy's like, "NOPE!" I'll say this for Timothy: he's staying true to himself. It's just too bad "himself" is such a tiresome turd.

The Ultra-Judging

After the judges inspect Helen's gown more closely, it looks even worse -- also no one is talking about how it's three blah shades of brown?! When they move on to Kahindo's very Zara sale rack cocktail dress, Tim explains how he had suggested how she could tone down her aggressively tacky print, and all agree that had he not, things would have been far worse.

The Auf

Kate wins and is fake-modest about it. Helen is...not even in the bottom two? She knows she dodged a bullet, anyway. Timothy escapes the axe again, clearly because he is bonkers; none of the other designers is happy to see him return. Kahindo is out.

Verdict

Sandro and Timothy are bringing it.