Battle Of The Developer/Diner Disputes

Which establishing teen high jinks look like more fun?

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which does a more credible job handling the "development process vs. beloved diner" reveal?

As befits a show that I have to assume was pitched at kids (given the otherwise inexplicable presence of FUCKING MICKEY), we get almost halfway through the Rags To Riches episode "Foley vs. Foley" before Nick figures out that the developer the girls have been fighting is Parnell his partner in a real estate project -- and it only happens when he sees cement on Parnell's ear and connects it to the story the girls have just told him about knocking a guy into a trough at their protest.

Beverly Hills 90210's "The Pit And The Pendulum" gets to it a lot faster: the entire gang, plus Jim and Cindy, are at an unveiling party for Jim's client Dickson St. Clair's new mall project when Brandon takes a closer look at the maquette and realizes that The Peach Pit lies within its boundaries. He asks Jim about it, and though Jim claims he's only just heard about that himself, that's all it takes to get Brandon all in a self-righteous swivet about it for the entire next hour.

Winner: It's annoying that Brandon makes Nat his cause of the week, but that's classic Brandon and exactly where we would all assume things would go, so: Beverly Hills 90210.

Which battle has higher stakes?

In both cases, at least one protesting teen has a father embroiled in the real estate project that threatens the place they like to eat burgers. But on Rags To Riches, the girls have only known Nick for like three weeks, and he hardly makes any effort to make his case to them. But Brandon has known Jim...all his life, and understands that Jim has a lot to lose in terms of his standing at work if Brandon does actually somehow stop the mall from being built. But because he's Brandon, even though both Nat and Jim are kind of "the little guy," depending on how you look at it, he's decided that Nat is the littler of the two and thereto he pledges his troth. Sucks to be Jim! More than usual!

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.

Which show's developer is more evil?

Parnell is a budget Karl Malden-looking motherfucker who yells at teenaged girls who picket his office. But while Dickson St. Clair is this twinkly old gentleman...

...he's trained up his daughter Marcie to be his advance agent.

And she's such a hard-eyed pragmatist that she's unmoved by a story about how Marilyn Monroe tweaked a Peach Pit burger recipe and calls Brandon a bleeding heart.

Winner: Tie.

Which show's diner owner is more sympathetic?

Well, they're both ethnic and hairy, and they both cry. But Nat gets the edge over Spiro primarily because we met him prior to this episode.

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.

Which anti-developer initiative is the more well-thought-out?

Even though she most certainly was not recruited for Marcie's Teen Advisory Board, Andrea's gotten the gang together to paint protest signs; David's going to broadcast his radio show from the Peach Pit and play music exclusively from Nat's jukebox; and Andrea's talked someone at the Features desk at the Times into coming down to report on the protest.

The Foley girls clash over whether slandering Parnell is acceptable and whether "puke" should figure in any of their slogans; they also let Mickey draw this as one of their signs.

Eventually, the girls throw together an extremely budge protest march and even attract some local politician, but still.

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.

Which show's "look meaningfully at the framed black-and-white photos hung sloppily on the diner wall" scene is more effective?

Nat shows Brandon a photo of his dad with Steve McQueen and talks about how the late Sal fed McQueen when he was broke. The best Spiro can do is this "before" shot of the Foley girls (minus Nina) looking hungry and parentless.

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.

Which has more Walton Goggins?

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.

Verdict

Even when the Foley girls are on the side of right, they're so screechy and twee and insistent on involving Mickey that it's impossible to root for them, and I don't even mean when they're doing their musical numbers. Whereas even when you know Brandon is basically right, he's always such a shithead that he's really the original hate-watch.

Winner: Beverly Hills 90210.