Battle Of The Fraudulent Fender Benders

Which car accident entrapment scenario is most effective?

Nooooo contest, and here's where you really see the difference between criminal activity written for a kids' show (Rags To Riches) and one that's for teenagers (Beverly Hills, 90210). In Rags To Riches, Diane pulls up to a shoe store to buy a pair of shoes before she and her sisters star in a live TV commercial for their father's new breakfast cereal. Later that night. Even though none of them has any performance experience, the whole thing has come about at the spur of the moment, no one's seen a script, and presumably her wardrobe will be supplied, BUT ANYWAY. Diane acts like she's just going to run into the shoe store and grab something as if a pair of shoes is as easy to purchase as a Baby Ruth, and a couple of tough customers see her pull up.

Something about Mickey's stupid face lets hardened criminals Don (Todd Susman) and Arnie (DAVID GODDAMN PAYMER) know that Diane is a novice driver, and they swing into action.

The complicated setup should prove to be Don and Arnie's undoing, because it's attention-grabbing and they do it in front of lots of witnesses. (It doesn't, but we'll get to that.) By contrast, Rosemary, Brenda's antagonist goes for a straightforward approach: she clocks Brenda in her rearview, just dicking around...

...and when the light changes, Rosemary just taps her brakes and lets Brenda run into her. What could be simpler?

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which driver is the easier mark?

Both Diane and Brenda have apparently had to take their road tests a couple of times -- Diane has even acquired a dowdy outfit and "drugstore glasses" to make herself look less ditzy for her latest attempt.

HAHA GIRLS CAN'T DRIVE. (Full disclosure: even though I have never ever in my life gotten into an accident, I did have to take my driver's test twice.) But while both are terrible drivers, Diane's incompetence behind the wheel has, like most story elements on Rags To Riches, never come up before this episode; Brenda's shitty driving has been a running theme on the show since we've known her, and apparently Rosemary could see it all over Brenda's face and did the only logical thing by coming after her.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which episode has the more diabolical con artist?

Brenda is way too credulous about everything Rosemary tells her, but in Brenda's defense, Rosemary sells it by acting extremely apologetic about everything, and super-nice about Brenda's having injured her. In addition to being clearly a total sketch from the jump, Arnie is counter-tricked by a bunch of orphans, one of whom is fucking Mickey.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which exposure of the fraud is cleverer?

I promised I would get back to Don and Arnie's dumb plan, and here I go. After Mickey reveals that she saw Arnie (the accident victim) and Don (the witness) together before Diane smashed into Arnie's car, the girls figure out that Don and Arnie colluded to trick Diane and split whatever settlement money resulted. So Rose and Marva get all tarted up and go down to Don's dry cleaning shop (?), loudly talking about Rose's boyfriend's amazing plan to cut his accomplice out of his scam. Don falls for it and goes to the hospital to confront Arnie, and let me just shorthand this phase of the high jinks:

Then there's a whole other phase where Nick -- who all along has been resisting Diane's attempts to prove Arnie's fraud, wanting to deal with it through his insurance -- finally relents, agreeing with Diane that nothing is more important than telling the truth. He goes to the hospital and fakes like he's writing Arnie a cheque for $5000, and when Arnie leaps up out of bed, totally capacitated, Diane snaps a photo.

Brenda just happens to go over to Rosemary's and sees her sweatin' to the oldies in full view of anyone who happened to be walking by the front of her house. Sloppy, Rosemary.

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which episode's non-car accident plotline is more compelling?

When I tell you that the A-plot of 90210 revolves around Brandon going undercover for The Blaze to expose a steroid ring that fucking Steve has gotten involved in and that it's the better of the two, it should give you an idea of how hare-brained the Rags To Riches TV commercial nonsense is. In case it doesn't, here's this.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Verdict

Guys, Rags To Riches really is such a disgrace that I wish it were online somewhere so that you could watch along with me and understand what I'm going through for you. Is it too much to ask to demand that you all buy the DVDs? Please buy the DVDs. Gifs don't do this mess justice.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.