Battle Of The Stomach-Turning Stars

Which situation in which the normal meets the celebrity is more plausible?

The gap here is so wide that it's actually comical. Diane of Rags To Riches crosses paths with Brady Ladean -- a star of some sort, although where/how he actually became famous enough for Patty to want his autographed head shot after spotting him at a restaurant is never explained -- when she enters a beauty pageant he's judging. Beverly Hills, 90210's Brandon meets Lydia Leeds -- superstar headliner of TV's Keep It Together -- when a day player on the show fails to show up to deliver his one line, and a producer who happens to spot Brandon dicking around in the park where they're shooting offers him the part instead. Adding to the implausibility is the fact that even though he's playing roller hockey ALONE, he decided he'd better leave the house with his hockey gloves on? In Los Angeles? And then even though he's been cast as a "surfer dude," he still rollerblades into the scene with Lydia WITH HIS GLOVES AND STICK?!

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which show's celebrity character is more credible?

Other than telling us all about the level of Lydia's fame, Beverly Hills, 90210 doesn't really offer much evidence for Lydia being a big enough star that David would want to talk to Brandon about his one-sixteenth of a scene with her when there are other kids at West Beverly who are actors themselves. A couple of kids are loitering by her limo when she gets to the set wanting her autograph, but she's still able to go out to a club unmolested, and somehow Brandon takes a second to recognize her in this brilliant disguise...

...even after spending an entire day on set making out with her. And like, I know it was the '80s, but based on everything we've heard about Keeping It Together, would Lydia have really been nominated for a Golden Globe, never mind won one at age twelve? The Hollywood Foreign Press loves an ingenue, but...come on.

Brady, on the other hand, is just a bland toothpaste model with nothing better to do than judge a teen beauty pageant. That, I buy.

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which celebrity's predatory behaviour is more believable?

As I write this in the Year Of The Bill Cosby Rape Accusation, I can't very well sit here and argue that famous men don't use their positions and fame to try to take sexual advantage of young women who want to get ahead in show business, as happens after Brady invites Diane to his room to give her some pointers on how to win over the other contest judges and she actually goes. But what's even MORE believable is that Lydia, having Brandon tossed into her show, would see an opportunity to get back at her co-star/boyfriend Sean by playing Brandon like a fool to make Sean jealous and get him to quit obstructing contract talks.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which episode features the more important guest star?

Brady is played by some nobody (hello, this is totally the one they should have saved Grieco for!), but the pageant is MCed by former winner/current TV private eye Babe Adair, played by Shannon Tweed. (Babe also ends up dating Nick, because apparently everyone who ever wrote on this show felt it was important to remind the viewer constantly that Nick is a legendary swordsman -- I guess to explain why he wasn't trying to bang his adopted daughters.) (Sorry to be gross, but seriously, it's the reason this show could never work now and SHOULD NOT HAVE WORKED THEN!)

Over on Beverly Hills, 90210, though, Lydia takes Brandon out to a club, where they run into her frenemy Mackenzie.

Yes, that's a young Melissa Rivers needling Lydia about her new "flavour of the week." Bonus points to the producer who snuck Lydia's behind-her-back slam -- "You just met the luckiest girl in this town, and the only reason she has a career is because her uncle is, like, this really big producer" -- into the episode, when it applies equally to Rivers herself and to one Tori Spelling.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which series character's valuable lesson is learned via maximum public humiliation?

Diane's near-date rape happens behind closed doors, and the episode seems to think it's far worse that she's failing English because she doesn't tell Nick about it and Brady suffers no reprisal at all? She doesn't end up winning the beauty pageant, but neither do nine other girls.

Brandon, on the other hand, has all his friends over to watch him in his big Keep It Together début, and has to sit there with them when it turns out that he got cut from the episode completely, HAHAHA.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which episode has the less odious B-plot?

Brenda decides to make the best of subbing for Brandon at the Peach Pit by creating a "wacky" waitress character named Laverne.

Mickey tries to catch a unicorn by dressing like one.

Winner: Draw.

Verdict

Beverly Hills, 90210 had to do a "Minnesota twin almost gets discovered" storyline eventually, and decided to get it over with in Season 1 in just about the dumbest way possible: fine. But there are only nineteen episodes of Rags To Riches -- twenty if you count the TV movie/pilot -- and now three of the five Foley girls have been almost raped with zero consequences for their attackers, and Mickey spent the episode with a cone on her head.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.