Battle Of The Vegas Vacations

Which characters have a more credible reason for an impromptu trip to Las Vegas?

Any time a show's entire cast just picks up and hits another city together, how "credible" the reason is must necessarily be relative. Even so, this one's not close.

Get a load of this convoluted shit: on Rags To Riches, the five Foley girls conspire to take advantage of Nick's business trip to sneak away to Las Vegas (escorted by an oblivious Clapper) so that they can retrieve one of Elvis Presley's guitars for a school-library fundraising auction so that they can show up Rose's old foe, Amy Hillerman, by bringing in bigger-ticket items. Their in for said guitar is this dude Darryl, a former classmate of the girls who recently dropped out of school to pursue his dream of being a musician and has just written to Diane bragging all about his job in Elvis's band, even though he's actually just a valet. But what the girls don't know is that Nick is also secretly going to Las Vegas, because he's just received a kidnap threat against the girls, or something? From a Mobbed-up businessman who's trying to force Nick into doing business with him? Who's played by ALEX ROCCO?! And Nick has volunteered to infiltrate this guy's operation from the inside on behalf of the FBI?!??!? I know it's a two-hour premiere "event," but even so: take a breath, show.

On Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda tells Brandon, in confidence, that she and Stuart are going to Las Vegas to elope, and obviously Brandon can't keep a goddamn thing from their friends or their parents, and everyone follows Brenda to try to reverse-psychologize her into changing her mind about the wedding. Brenda's ill-considered elopement idea scans with what we know about her as an impetuous, headstrong idiot; Brandon's inability to keep her secret is in keeping with his justly earned reputation as a bigmouthed blowhard; and the gang's willingness to interfere by tricking Brenda with her own stubbornness is basically what the show is about.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which is less puritanical about underage gambling?

Each show features a teenaged character claiming expertise in blackjack (Marva on Rags, Steve on 90210); both also feature minors trying their luck at slot machines (Patty on Rags, Andrea on 90210), only to run afoul of attentive Las Vegas security guards. But on Rags To Riches, Marva and Rose get all dressed up and successfully pass for twenty-one in order to play blackjack; also, Patty gets a guy to pull the lever on "her" slot machine, on the condition that they'll split whatever winnings result, and when he (obviously) absconds with the entire $500, he runs straight into a song and dance number that ends with them stealing the cash out of his wallet and his deciding to let it happen.

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which seems like less of a co-production of the Las Vegas Chamber Of Commerce?

Beverly Hills, 90210 offends as soon as the kids arrive and Kelly awkwardly announces, of her expectations, "I just didn't think it was the kind of place you could bring your family to." She jokes that she was expecting "Mobsters and hookers," which...is what Rags To Riches is full of, obviously. But Beverly Hills, 90210 also features a tacky wedding chapel and tackier all-ages bikini bar or something, to balance the rude casino patron and bribe-able golf course janitor on Rags.

Winner: Tie.

Which episode's Vegas-specific high jinks are less annoying?

A white jumpsuited Elvis appears in each episode -- an impersonator on the plane from Burbank on 90210, and the alleged genuine article, always shot from behind, on Rags. Based on his fame, there's a requisite "run through the halls" bit that ends with Rose, Diane, and Marva hiding out from a security guard in the showgirls' dressing room. Does that lead to their putting on costumes and blundering through a routine on stage?

Well, I guess you've watched TV before.

Whereas on 90210, other than the hotel and casino parts, the whole thing could have been filmed on the Warner Bros. lot as usual -- not as many Vegas high jinks, since the drama is mostly between the characters and the urgency of the mission to derail the wedding.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which ending is less preachy?

Rags ends with the disgraced Darryl crawling back to his shitty old public school just in time for the auction (at which the only bidders are...students?) and telling Diane he's decided to go back and finish high school after all -- and that's after Nick lectures the girls about why they were wrong to go on this illicit vacation in the first place, because of course he catches the three eldest ones from his front-row seat at the showgirl performance.

On the other hand, Jim and Cindy arrive at the chapel just in time to see Brenda and Stuart deciding not to get married, whereupon they once again abdicate their responsibility as her parents and don't bother telling her SHIT about taking off in the dark of night when she still lives under their roof and on their dime. This is the sort of lenient parenting they're going to regret in a few months when she's totally getting arrested for breaking into a CU animal-testing lab!

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Verdict

As a non-smoker/drinker, I'm pretty Vegas-indifferent as a rule. Rags To Riches makes me never want to go there again. WHAT IF I SEE FUCKING MICKEY.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.