'I Got Five Girls -- One Of 'Em's Gotta Be Eligible For This!'

After its TV movie pilot sneak attack, the first regular episode of Rags To Riches doesn't involve new father Nick Foley looking for activities to bond him with his daughters or trying to find out what their interests are, or what defines their personalities, or even their ages. (I think he knows their names?) Instead, after receiving a solicitation for donations to a debutante ball at the country club that doesn't acknowledge the teenaged daughters he's had for five minutes, Nick gets a wild hair about having one of his girls represent his good name. Too bad only Rose is old enough to be eligible, and she's in an ascetic phase! Fancy clothes are decadent! Et cetera!

Nick and Rose end up growing closer through their shared ordeal, because it's TV. But a lot of shit happens between the proposal that Rose enter the debutante ball and her triumph at same, and some of it is really not okay. Let's run it down from what's aged best to what's aged worst.

1. The Debutante Ball Plotline

   Every show loves an excuse to get its characters all gussied up showing off high-toned manners, mostly because the fancier the party, the more scandalous it is when someone's terrible behaviour inevitably ruins it. And while a debutante ball plot seems like a relic even for a show (supposedly) set in 1961, even Gilmore Girls did it -- and, if I recall correctly, resisted the temptation to include a finishing-school training montage. Rags To Riches, obviously, had no such restraint.

   

   But Nick's affront at being excluded, by extension, from the swells' fancy party is what gives the episode most of the edge it has (admittedly not much, but still): he's a self-made man who feels inadequate about it around all the old-money dickheads at his country club, and Rose's failure to be invited to make her début is a reminder that they don't consider him to be in their league.

   While we're here: all the dues you have to pay to belong to a country club and then they have fundraisers on top of that? What a racket. You'd have to REALLY love fucking golf.

2. Rose's New Asceticism

   Rebelling against her rich and status-conscious new father by embracing "Spasskism," the teachings of a self-depriving Russian philosopher, is classic teenager, and it's impressive that she is so determined to stick to it that she even brings "dagba," the fermented sheep's milk that now comprises her entire diet, to school, even though it makes her look like she's eating mayonnaise with a spoon.

   

   If Kimiko Gelman really was just eating mayonnaise...gurl, commitment-wise, Christian Bale's got nothing on you.

   It's also in line with the typical behaviour of teenage girls that convictions might crumble when a cute(-ish) boy starts to express what seems like romantic interest, and I get that we're supposed to buy that Matthew Taylor is a dreamboat before we find out anything about his character...

   

   ...but I feel like, after the moment when Rose uses Matthew's shirt as a tool to fix his car and gets grease all over it, the writer and director took a wrong turn at their attempt to portray "lovestruck" and ended up at "delayed."

   
3. Attempting To Explain How Rose Is Styled

   That's not '80s hair; it's 1961 DGAF hair!

   

   Hmmmm...okay?

4. Not Even Kind Of Trying To Explain Where Nina Is

   I assume the episodes were aired out of order and that we'll hear in a subsequent installment what I already know from Wikipedia, which is that Nina went back to her birth family and that's why the six girls Nick adopted in the movie is down to five. But: sloppy. And since all the clips in the opening credits are from said movie, they could have done a better job of cutting her out.

   
5. Nick's Attitude

   Trust me: I am the last person to advocate for letting teenagers "express themselves" or "be individuals," so I partly get why Nick is so frustrated by Rose's whole new pinko routine in this episode. But it's not like she's using Spasskism to argue for why she should get out of school or something: the debutante ball is totally a status grab on his part, and if she doesn't want to début, he should respect that rather than spend 75% of the episode screaming at her.

   

   I guess this kind of fatherhood is in keeping with the sort of attitude one would expect from a person who adopted six older orphans in order to facilitate a business deal, which is to say, cynical and poorly thought out. Still, Nick's bossy parenting style really feels old-fashioned and also...kind of abusive?


6. Amy And Marnie's Racism

   A short play about Rose's supposed bad manners:

   Amy, a.k.a. Rich Dick #1: She can't help it. She's only a half-breed.
   Marnie, a.k.a. Rich Dick #2: Oh, that's right, she's half sukiyaki.
   Amy: Half sukiyaki, half slob.

   Later in the episode, we will learn that Rose's Japanese mother met her GI father when he was stationed in the Pacific during the war, and that he forced her to give up custody of Rose when he found out she was pregnant, so maybe let's cool it with the "sukiyaki" stuff, basic bitches.


7. The Taylors: The First Family Of Date Rape

   Remember Señor Nope, from earlier? His parents are swells from the country club, and everyone knows he's already planning to pin Amy Hillerman, but since everyone (except Rose) ALSO knows that Amy's not going to give it up and that if Matthew doesn't bust his tiny nut on some poor girl he's going to get really, really sick, he's lined up Rose as his mistress. When he brings her by the Taylor manse before taking her out for dinner (maybe; it's also possible he never planned to buy her a meal), his parents take him aside to make sure he's still sticking with the social-climbing program, and he assures them that he is, saying of Rose, "She's very attractive, and she's fun! There's nothing serious about it!" "Matthew, I told you about this," says Mr. Taylor. "These Oriental types can be very exotic. I'm afraid when I was over there, I wasn't a very good boy either." Matthew:

   

   "Well, if that's all there is to it, I shouldn't have worried!" drawls Mrs. Taylor. SO ESSENTIALLY, Matthew has just declared his intention to molest Rose without any intention of forming a relationship, and both his parents have signed off on it? COOL. Granted, the show does not seem to endorse this mindset...except that when Rose tells Nick the whole story, his response isn't to resign his membership in the country club and find a new circle of friends but to convince her that GOING TO THE BALL and LOOKING AWESOME is the best way to get revenge. Oh, Rose. I fear the name "rape culture" will come too late for you to get any benefit from it. Throw away your Spassky and make room on your bookshelf for some Kate Millett.

8. Revenge Via Gorilla Suit

   Who knew that all those news reports about three gorillas escaped from the zoo were actually going to end up being important: when Diane, Marva, and Patty rent gorilla costumes, dress up in them, and terrorize a garden party to avenge Rose.

   

   This aired in primetime on one of the few networks that existed at the time. What were we even doing as a society.