What Will Happen When Christoph Waltz Hosts?

11:29 PM Cold Open

On The Situation Room, Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) talks to the traumatized passengers of Carnival Cruise ship Triumph as they stream off the filthy boat in Alabama, each telling a story more disgusting than the last.

11:37 PM Monologue

Host Christoph Waltz cheerfully lists the inventively violent ways he will dispatch his rivals for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar later this month.

11:43 PM

On Fox & Friends, hosts Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) and Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) pepper Austrian economist Klaus Messerschmidt (Waltz) with imbecilic questions about the Eurozone crisis.

11:53 PM

At The Vatican, a series of cardinals bring Pope Benedict (Waltz) horrible news about the state of Catholicism, until His Eminence has no choice but to resign in perplexed frustration.

11:58 PM Commercial Parody

State of the Union attendee Ted Nugent (Sudeikis) promotes his response to the State of the Union address: a $3000 bow-hunting/moonshine-tasting weekend at his own personal cabin.

12:10 AM

Alabama Shakes perform.

12:11 AM Weekend Update

A parched Marco Rubio (Fred Armisen) talks about his now-infamous response to the State Of The Union address, covering epic dry mouth in increasingly outlandish ways; Drunk Uncle (Moynihan) visits, with complaints about recent events in the news.

12:23 AM

LL Cool J (Kenan Thompson) hosts an award show honouring outstanding achievement at the Grammy awards.

12:31 AM

J-Pop America Fun Time Now welcomes a local tattoo artist (Waltz) who specializes in kanji of dubious authenticity.

12:38 AM

Christoph Waltz (as himself) is called in to ADR his lines from Django Unchained so that it can be edited for airing on the USA Network.

12:44 AM Short Film

Werner Herzog (Waltz) delivers a late Valentine to his special lady.

12:48 AM

Alabama Shakes perform.

12:54 AM

At Mardi Gras in New Orleans, a couple of guys (Killam and Bill Hader) enthuse about the debauchery, while their German friend (Waltz) speculates about even more depraved stuff he thinks they might get up to.

1:00 AM

People wave goodbye, hug.