'There Could Have Been LOTS Of Reasons He Was Holding The Paper Like That!'
"If the President and the First Lady answered it straightforwardly and without giving me any kind of attitude, I don't see why you would want me to explain myself, but okay, we're all together in the West Wing, watching what I guess was the news, and they had gotten a video of one of the hostages that have been kidnapped, wherever, somewhere in the Middle East, I guess. That was going to be my first question -- 'Where are they, again?' But I thought to myself, okay, Louise, everyone seems to know what's going on, so just be quiet and look it up on Bing when you get back to your desk.
"So anyway, this poor man is holding up a newspaper, of all things, and I was going to ask, 'Why would the terrorists care if he knows what's going on in the news?' And I was going to also say, 'They seem pretty mean, but giving him a newspaper, that's actually very considerate of them! I don't get it!' And then I wondered, 'Are they making sure that they gave the man a newspaper so we will think they're actually nice and not send anyone to shoot them?' Because, I mean, it's a newspaper, but big deal, it's not like they gave the man an Us Weekly or something that he might actually find interesting. I know that's what I would want to read if I were being held hostage somewhere. Or Parade.
"Wait, I think I just remembered where they are. Murano! Right? No? Okay. Oh, that's a car. Right.
"Okay, anyway, I'm keeping quiet about the newspaper, because I don't want to ask a stupid question and make everyone think that I'm stupid, because I'm not, but I can't help noticing that they're not even letting the man read the newspaper that they gave him! And I was going to ask, 'Why aren't they letting him read the newspaper?' You know? 'Why would they give him a newspaper and then not even let him read it?' That kind of takes away the niceness of having given it to him in the first place, if you ask me! But no one else seemed to think that was so strange of the terrorists, so I thought there probably was a reason and I could just ask someone later.
"But not only was the man not reading the newspaper, he was holding it up to the camera in this weird way. I just had to ask why. Okay? I'm sorry! I thought it was a reasonable question! And I'm not that convinced by the answer, to be completely honest! That's how they're telling us when this stuff happened? Awkward much? Why not just say the date? It's not like we can't hear them! I think we're all adults and that if the terrorists just said, 'Okay, it's February whatever,' we could trust them. Just because they're making a movie, they think they need props? So dramatic.
"But of course, they did cut the man's throat with a great big knife. I suppose terrorists just aren't that trustworthy in Monaco. Monaco? Is that where they are? Sorry, not Monaco, that's a city, I mean the country. Maraca?"