'Why Do I Have Shoes On?'

"I really hate to complain, because Bernice is really good to me, and obviously at this stage in my life I am not exactly in a position to take care of myself, so by necessity we have a pretty classic codependent relationship. And I realize that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not really that big a deal for me to let her put some little costume on me. But...I mean, it's every week."

"From a totally superficial perspective, if this whole 'Pup Scouts' deal is really supposed to mimic the Boy Scouts, shouldn't all of us 'pups' be in the same uniform? But no, we're all in these slapped-together approximations that our various handlers have improvised from whatever the hell they can find that's close enough. And as for whether I would ever voluntarily join the canine equivalent of a group that excludes members based on sexual orientation -- I wouldn't, but in fairness to Bernice, it's not like I've communicated that to her.

"What I do find insulting is that she seems to have this notion that I just love hanging out with the other dogs at the park. Why? Because we're all purse dogs? That's literally all we have in common. D'Artagnan isn't interested in my experiments with slow food. Priscilla couldn't care less what I think about Game Of Thrones. It's not like I expect Bernice to be best friends with everyone who just happens to live in her building.

"The worst part is that I know I don't have a poker face. I try to be nice about it, for her sake, because I know she means well and that even though this gathering is ostensibly for me, it's really for her. But she puts that shirt and that neckerchief on me -- a dog neckerchief, you guys -- and I just can't help being miserable, and I know she can see it all over my face. Why am I in shoes? Why does anyone even manufacture shoes that would fit me? I AM A DOG.

"Obviously, it could always be worse, and one of my goals in my meditation practice is to understand where Bernice is coming from and how we can best fit into each other's lives. This week, I'm focusing on the fact that she doesn't believe in paw readers, because if THAT lady tried that bullshit with me, I would bite her so hard with my tiny, tiny teeth."