The Misery Index: Which Teen Mom Has The Crappiest Life (This Week)?

As the Teen Mom 3 stars' lives continue to unfold, have the rankings changed? Let's examine the evidence and rank them from first to worst.

Mackenzie

Part of me wishes I could watch the show with the other three teen moms while they take in what passes for misfortune in Mackenzie's life and laugh, or cry. Because Mackenzie still has it pretty good. This week, her big storyline involved her thinking about "getting on birth control," talking to a friend about getting on birth control, texting her mom about getting on birth control, and then getting on birth control -- specifically, the Mirena IUD, because Mackenzie is pretty sure from the jump that she is not responsible enough to remember to take oral contraception at the same time every day. (The hormonal component is also a concern, since Mackenzie is diabetic, and according to her doctor, Mirena is the least likely of all available contraceptive options to affect her blood sugar.) Though Mackenzie's life is, overall, still the best, in terms of the support system that surrounds her, in the latest episode she raises a real issue that has dogged her since her 16 And Pregnant: Mackenzie knows that her Christian mother Angie is disappointed in Mackenzie for not having remained abstinent, and though Angie and Mackenzie's father Brad have accepted that Mackenzie's life has changed now that there's a baby in it, Mackenzie still feels that Angie is ashamed of her. Angie denies it, but given the absurd way Angie's digging in her heels about Mackenzie and her baby's father Josh being celibate post-baby -- I mean, that horse is out of the barn, Ange -- out of dogmatic beliefs instead of accepting the practical reality that Josh and Mackenzie probably intend to have sex again at some point and maybe Mackenzie should be protected rather than accidentally get pregnant a second time because her mother is in denial.

Briana

Okay, what was that whole order-of-protection storyline last week? Because it kind of seems like Briana went to court to file papers on her baby's father, Devoin, just so that she could brandish them in front of him and let him know that she hadn't followed through with filing the order, but that she could if he doesn't smarten up. To me, it seems like kind of a leap to go from "legal authorities are required to protect me from this person" to "this person is qualified to look after our child on his own for an hour," and furthermore, I don't entirely believe that Briana's mother, Roxanne, would even think it's important for Devoin to make these token attempts at co-parenting if there weren't cameras on both of them and the necessity of offering some kind of storyline for the episode. Anyway: Devoin may not be as big a scumbag as he seemed in Briana's 16 And Pregnant, or as he also seemed in last week's episodes, but he hasn't really offered enough evidence of good behaviour yet for us to know for sure.

Katie

I almost feel bad for Joey because HEAR ME OUT I JUST SAID "ALMOST" JUST LISTEN FOR A SECOND. It's very clear that Katie is repressing a lot of anger about the turn her life has taken. She seems like she's still actively mourning the carefree college life in Colorado that she didn't get to have, and now never will, because she accidentally got pregnant instead. Joey strikes me as the kind of kid who would be fine to date when you're in your mid-teens, but who a smart, ambitious girl like Katie would probably outgrow pretty quickly -- and who, under normal circumstances, would be okay with that. But now they've decided to remain yoked together for the sake of their child, and no one's happy, and Joey has no models for what he should be doing in their relationship. For practical reasons (she's breastfeeding), it makes sense for Katie to stay home with Molli while Joey performs one of this country's most dangerous/best-paying jobs: coal-mining. But Katie certainly had other plans for her post-high school life, and Joey may have too, and as he goes underground every night and she stays isolated at home, mostly alone because she and Joey have opposite waking hours, they're both just getting more and more resentful of one another. All Joey has to offer, at this stage, seems to be material things, and when giving her an engagement ring doesn't instantly solve all their problems, his anger boils over. Katie's not blameless -- she knows which of his buttons to push, and does so automatically -- but when they're in the middle of their episode-ending fight, she cycles through a number of emotional responses, none of which calms him down (and his screaming that therapists don't do anything doesn't bode well for the future). I wouldn't go so far as to say that Katie and Joey hate each other, but right now they aren't good for each other, and digging further in to this miserable life with an engagement and a commitment to a fancy new apartment doesn't seem wise.

Alex

Oh God, speaking of "yoked together." I didn't think Alex's life could be any worse than what we saw last week. But Matt isn't just a recovering drug addict; he's an intravenous drug user of long standing. He's not just unemployed; he may be unemployable. And when Alex comes home from one of her three jobs and sees Matt sitting there uselessly, not offering to do the minimum by feeding their baby, I frankly don't think she's wrong to get mad at him for contributing nothing at all to their family. I know it may seem weird that I have to declare that I'm taking Alex's side here, but I am doing so because her own mother doesn't. Wendy comes home from work and walks right into the middle of a fight between Matt and Alex -- and, look, I know Wendy's life sucks too, given that she's been thrust into the role of parenting both Alex and Matt and telling them how to parent their child, as well. But when Matt responds to Alex's anger by storming out, Wendy shocks me by telling Alex that she thinks Matt probably is trying to find a job (evidence for this assertion: none that we see; in fact, all Alex does is ask what jobs he applied for and he goes from 0 to rage), and that Alex isn't helping matters by expressing her disappointment in Matt to Matt. Not only that, Wendy orders Alex to go out into the cold and try to find Matt to apologize. To apologize to his shiftless ass! Is the advice Alex gets from her own mother! I understand that the grandparents in these relationships want the babies to grow up with both of their parents, and in a perfect world, that's a lovely and laudable goal. I guess I just don't agree with Wendy that when one parent is working three jobs while finishing high school and the other is spending his days in bed, from what we can tell, and is a drug addict, then it's not that important to make room in the baby's life for both of them. Matt may be a great person and a great dad someday. But right now, he shouldn't be living with Alex and Arabella, their baby, and the fact that he is tells me that he has no other safe place to live that won't compromise his sobriety, and that's why Alex's life is still the crappiest. Matt's isn't so hot either. And neither is Wendy's. Or Alex's two younger siblings who also live in the house. This is just all bad, really.