Uncool Rider

Between the car fights, thrown-out dance costumes, lying cowboys, and pap smears, who had the worst time in the latest Teen Mom 3? Let's break it down.

Briana

Since washing Devoin right out of her hair, Briana continues to have the least going on in her life and therefore (apparently) be the most malleable with regard to producers' need for her to play out their storylines -- but when said storyline is her getting a gynecological exam in preparation for an IUD, I am not going to complain. Frankly, if I had my way, every episode of Teen Mom 3 would include a several-minutes-long PSA about the merits of hormone-free IUDs for everyone, but particularly dumb teenaged girls who've already gotten pregnant once because they're too afraid to ask their moms to put them on the pill and too embarrassed to buy condoms (as we also saw from Briana this week). Also continuing this week: the trend of Brittany being more compelling than Briana. I watch a LOT of TV, and I can't remember any other show, scripted or not, showing us the aftermath of an abortion like this. While Brittany clearly doesn't regret having terminated her pregnancy and still knows it was the right decision (particularly as she sees Briana's options narrowed because of Nova), she also has enough emotional maturity to be able to articulate why she doesn't want to have a pap smear: the experience brings up too many memories of her abortion. It's also why she's not remotely thinking about becoming sexually active again. Brittany spinoff, please!

Alex

Hey, if Wendy really did accidentally throw out Alex's dance costumes -- which doesn't seem to have been in dispute, at least by the end of the episode -- then how come she didn't cough up the $300 to replace them? Like, I get that Wendy, like Alex, is a single mother and possibly not in the greatest financial shape, but I bet she makes more at her one job than Alex does at her three jobs, so I'm not really sure why Alex should be the one financially penalized for Wendy's mistake. But whatever: Alex having to spend $300 that she actually has puts her in a pretty decent position both relative to the other moms and to her own situation not so long ago. And maybe once she's built her savings back up a little, she can go back to therapy, because holy moly that shrieking temper tantrum was a bit much.

Mackenzie

Every week, I rue the day I Googled Mackenzie and found out that she and Josh had actually gotten married, because it would have made the season so much more suspenseful, waiting for the moment that these two idiots figured out that they should not be together, Gannon or no. Josh is so desperate not to spend a second with or talking to Mackenzie that he's manufactured the excuse of practising his bronc riding all day every day to keep him from having to make plans with her or answer her phone calls -- an excuse that conveniently doubles for his not having to get a job. Allegedly because she wants to bring Mackenzie to watch Josh practise (but, I think, because she suspects something is fishy about this story), Angie calls Les, Josh's supposed trainer, and finds out that, what do you know, he hasn't seen Josh in weeks and considers Josh to be a trifling dilettante (I'm paraphrasing) who's squandering the opportunities he's been given! Ruh roh! Confronted by both Mackenzie AND her mother, Josh doesn't even have the wherewithal to scramble for an explanation for his lies. These two need to break up. I hope they do. BUT I KNOW THEY DON'T. UGH.

Katie

Congratulations to Joey for so efficiently destroying any goodwill anyone had for him early in the season for being a kind and attentive father to his daughter by EMOTIONALLY ABUSING HER MOTHER ALMOST EVERY SECOND HE IS AWAKE. This week, it's Katie's birthday, and she's suggested a weekend trip to Utah. She starts things off badly by complaining that he spent $10 on a car wash (which the drive will swiftly obviate) instead of gas, and he responds the way he always does: by yelling at her for not appreciating anything he does. They've barely started driving before she's crying in the car. When they get to the hotel, she calls her mom to tell her about the fight, and when Luci suggests that MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER, Katie breaks all our hearts by saying that no other man will ever want her. Later, Joey overrules her idea of visiting the university she eventually wants to transfer to by deciding (on HER birthday weekend, remember) that they should go indoor skydiving instead. And when she sadly mentions how weird it is to have been so close to the college she would have attended had Molli not been born, Joey is, once again, instantly irate, telling her that their browsing wedding dresses was supposed to have made her excited about the life she has NOW (I guess he still expects her to give up all her ambitions on his say-so), and that they're just always going to fight about money, and maybe she should move out if nothing he does is ever going to satisfy her. SERIOUSLY: JOEY IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF ABUSE. AN INTERVENTION IS REQUIRED LIKE YESTERDAY.