The Affair Should Just Throw Martin In The Garbage Already

No matter which of our affairers (SORRY, THE WORD "LOVERS" MAKES ME BARF) you ask about the events of this week's episode of The Affair, there is no doubt about a few facts.

1. The Lockharts sell drugs.
2. Martin Solloway is a pain in everyone's ass.

And yet somehow, Noah's alarm about the former has caused him to forget the latter, in that his horror at Martin's having been exposed to the drug trade through his work at the Lockharts' ranch leads him (in Alison's recollection) to break off his relationship with her. But does Martin really merit this kind of reaction?

I am not a crackpot. I just think Martin is a lost cause and that everyone should start acting like it.

First, let me state for the official record that I am not advancing this view because I am so upset about the prospect of Noah and Alison breaking up. For one thing, the flash-forwards seem to want us to think they eventually get and stay together (unless everything about the flash-forwards is an elaborate misdirect, which is certainly possible). For another, Noah is married to a Maura Tierney character, and I'm categorically opposed to him cheating on her. If it were for literally any other reason, Noah's sudden change of heart about running away with Alison would fill me with glee EVEN AS I know it can't last, not just because this is a show called The Affair but because it's just been renewed for another season.

The issue is that, even as a pretext for Noah to get outraged about, Martin is just not worth it. Remember the pilot, when he played that prank on Noah, pretending to have hanged himself? Hilarious! In this week's episode, he swings from being so excited about the arrival of a new mare that he falls asleep in a horse stall and forgets (or "forgets") to tell his parents where he is to opening a gate and letting the mare run away for literally no reason. And as if those weren't enough black marks on his character, there's also the fact that he eats breakfast with the Lockharts and, when offered more, never once utters a "please." He's clearly a monster. He might as well let this family of miscreants take him in and turn him out: he's shown he's not fit for decent society.

Some will try to tell you that every child is a gift from God and our hope for the future. But the word "sociopath" has already been used to describe one Solloway kid this month, and clearly applies to this one, too. (Two out of four THAT WE KNOW OF? Good job, Noah and Helen.) There was a time when I would have said that while Martin was mostly irredeemable, at least he was kind to the horses at his job. But now that he's added horses to the list of props to use in his various attention-getting japes and monkeyshines, it turns out he's no good to anyone anywhere in any way -- least of all the viewer who deserves better than to try to deal with his incomprehensibly terrible antics. Leave him for the Lockharts to adopt into their narcotics operation: his innocent face and criminal mind could actually be an asset to someone for a change. Or else send him to military school: either they'll straighten him out, or his classmates will kill him in an A Few Good Men situation. I'm fine with any of those options, as long as everything happens offscreen. I am not a crackpot.