Shoebox Greetings

Dead Will Hasn't Outlived His Usefulness

Situation: Johnny's hired Josh Mariner -- "The King of Slice and Dice" -- to cut some campaign ads for Alicia.

What makes it awkward? Johnny and Josh agree that Alicia should talk a lot about the courthouse shooting, both because it was part of what motivated her to enter the race and because it'll humanize her, which is something St. Alicia could benefit from. Unfortunately for Johnny and Josh, Alicia thinks that's gross -- and based on the snippets of the ad that we see (including a bedding of mournful Irish music under Finn's interview about THAT TIME HE GOT SHOT IN A COURTROOM), she's not wrong. Even Marissa thinks it's tacky and she's crass as shit.

How is order restored? Johnny cleverly facilitates a suspension of the argument by distracting Alicia with a request that she and Peter do a joint interview in order to quiet all the questions about their sham marriage.

"The Good News Is, We At The FBI Want To Help You, Cary. The Bad News...?"

Who called the meeting? Agent Stu Harper of the FBI.

What's it about? They have Lemond Bishop on a wiretap, discussing his interest in putting "one in the back of the head" of one Cary Agos.

How'd it go? It's kind of weird all around. Maybe it's just in contrast to the hale and hearty Michael Rispoli, but as my esteemed colleague Sarah D. Bunting pointed out, Cary looks tiny and gaunt.

Buddy, you're in Chicago. Get a hot dog. You don't have to put celery salt on it (and you shouldn't, that's disgusting). Then Lana comes in (Cary: "Nice to see you again" -- brrrr!) to back up Harper's claims as to the authenticity of the recording and how seriously Cary should take the threat. (Diane, obviously, asks for a copy of the recording; request denied.) Cary, frustrated, asks why they need him at all and can't just go arrest Bishop for the threat, but Harper says it's not enough for an arrest -- just enough for Cary to be worried. Cary's like, fuck this, and as he makes to leave, Lana stops him with another warning. Cary: "A little hint for next time you do this: don't have the woman who's sleeping with my girlfriend break it to me." Harper: "Good note!" (Not really, but I would have loved that.)

Ain't Too Proud To Neg?

In a HIGHLY UNORTHODOX MOVE, Frank Prady has stopped by Alicia's office without any of his handlers or advisors to have an actually friendly chat (or mess with her head -- definitely one or the other). See, when Castro dropped out of the race, he handed Prady a shoebox full of all the dirt he'd collected on Alicia and her family, but Prady doesn't want to use it. In fact, he's so determined NOT to use it that he's giving it all to Alicia, in the hopes that the gesture will convince her to join him in not running a negative campaign. Alicia, with narrowed eyes, points out that if Eli were there and not, let's say, working in a nightclub in a pair of lacy pants, he'd say it's easy for PRADY to advocate against negative campaigning when he's up three points, but Prady shrugs that off, saying that since he and Alicia appeal to such different demographic groups, their support is pretty much split, and anyway, wouldn't she like to win without "bloodying" him in the process? Alicia claims not to have any particular feelings about that either way, but Prady knows she likes to think of herself as a good person so that probably isn't actually true. To cap off this good-guy meeting, Prady gives her his card with his real private phone number that even his campaign manager doesn't have (how many phones do you have, bro?) so that they can talk a lot about how upstanding they both are, I guess. "I'm not your enemy, Alicia," he tells her. "I know," she replies. "I'm your opponent." That's supposed to be profound, I guess? Anyway: Alicia is suspicious, but since she likes to think of herself as a good person, she's also secretly receptive.

Gonna Guard Your Body To The Break Of Day

Look Out, It's A Conservataurus!

Situation: Johnny and Josh have put together a negative spot targeting Prady as a "DINO": Democrat In Name Only, based on past remarks about values and stuff.

What makes it awkward? The ad is super-corny even before it gets to the part where a guy (whose head is cropped out of the frame) comes home, takes off his dinosaur costume, and gets into a closet. Alicia is horrified, but Johnny thinks it's fair game, and Josh has a couple of dudes who are prepared to swear they had affairs with Prady.

How is order restored? Alicia categorically refuses to use the ad. Josh: "Fire me. You'd be doing me a favour." When he's stomped out, Alicia presents the shoebox of dirt, saying she believes that Prady really does want to run a positive campaign. Johnny just thinks he's trying to get into her head, and tries again to get her signoff on the ad, telling her that even if it's stupid, "stupid is sticky." Alicia stands firm.

Look Out, Lemond, He Might Try To Ask You To His Parents' Thanksgiving Next

Shields Up!

How do you get through a chance encounter with your estranged husband's new mistress? Fake it like the politician you are actually turning out to be!

Don't Try To Boost Your Punk Rock Cred By Dropping Band Names If You Don't Know How To Pronounce Them

I actually pin this one on the director for not giving a line reading to the nice Danish lady who probably never heard of this particular band before she got her copy of the "Sticky Content" script. But if Ramona DID play drums in a band, called Fifth Wheel, that hoped to be "the next Sleater-Kinney," she would have known that it's pronounced "SLAY-ter KEN-nee," not "SLEE-ter KIN-nee." And anyway, Ramona strikes me as more of a Faith Hill fan.

How I Met Their Mother

Alicia and Peter might not actually still bone or even live together, but I do like how the show occasionally reminds us that they will always have chemistry. Here, we see it when they sit down for their joint interview and lock back into their old roles as, together, they tell the story of how they met. It was at a party when they were both at Georgetown: there was a Dating Game situation, and Alicia didn't pick him. But he did walk her home and give her his coat: "I was a real smooth operator then." Alicia: "I don't think I had ever had a happier moment in my life." Ramona:

Uh huh.

GET ON THAT FACE, STUPID

After ending her joint interview with Peter zoned out as she remembered happier times, Alicia goes straight to Finn's office. He can immediately tell something's wrong and asks her what's up, but she lies that she just wanted to see how he was doing. He says he's good, and clears some space for her to sit down on his file-covered couch...but just enough for him to sit next to her, pretty close, and put his arm up behind her, casually, yet in a way that gives him the option to put it around her should the need arise. He prompts her again to tell him why she's actually there, and she starts, but then changes her mind and says it was stupid. As she starts to get up, he stops her with a hand on her thigh, and then THIS FUCKING GUY walks by.

The spell is broken and Alicia hurries out, presumably to lock Grace in her bedroom and "relieve some stress" with her Hitachi Magic Wand. Hey, Alicia? You know the oppo research already suggests that you're fucking Finn. YOU MIGHT AS WELL ACTUALLY DO IT.

Ramona The Pest

The limo ride after a joint photo op turns out to be the perfect time for Alicia to lay some shit on the line.

You're So Finn

And then Finn stops by to ask what the hell THAT was last night, and Alicia doesn't exactly lie, like the politician she is turning out to be.

Get The Look: Lady In Politics

Alicia's just finished nailing her interview about her reaction to Peter's scandal and to the courthouse shooting -- since her confrontation with Peter, she's decided to use the shooting story for the campaign after all -- when Johnny calls; there's a problem.

Square Neckline: What better way for a woman of a certain age -- be it 48ish or 78ish -- to show off skin without looking like mutton that raided a lamb's dressing room at H&M?

Dark Red: The red says, "Sex!" The dark says, "Menopause!"

Second Verse, Shittier Than The First

Situation: In light of the dress on Mrs. Prady, Alicia has to change outfits and then reshoot the interview she just conducted.

What makes it awkward? It's hard to fake that natural vulnerability; Alicia is much brittler telling her story the second time, and ends up just making jokes.

How is order restored? It's not. Josh tells her to give into her church giggles and then shake it off, but as we later see, the result is unusably terrible.

Cary fantasizes about what it's going to be like when one of Bishop's henchmen totally assassinates him, and then asks Carter if he should be afraid! Carter has no opinion! Cary wants to talk to Bishop, but Carter suggests that he "phone Kalinda" instead! Cary seizes on the fact that Carter said "phone" rather than "call," like most Americans do! For reasons I don't really get, Cary decides this is the evidence he needs proving that he has to convince Bishop that, even though Bishop totally saw him with a bodyguard, Cary hasn't turned on him!

Johnny shows Alicia a tacky animated ad from Prady's PAC. Josh gets annoyed by Alicia's refusal to hit back, which even Marissa now thinks she should do, and I agree if for no other reason than to raise the level of political discourse above what we thought was cool when JibJab was a thing! And anyway, Alicia's second-dress retake interview is so terrible, as they show her, that the DINO ad is their only option!

Alicia calls Prady and confronts him about the bed ad, which he blames on his PAC, denying responsibility! He says he'll get back to her in a day! "A day is a year in politics," Alicia spits! So it's half as long as this campaign storyline feels?

Johnny leaks to a journalist how he had a "devastating" ad about Prady that Josh made, but that Alicia thought it was "too hot to handle"! The journalist wants Johnny to slip it to him! Johnny says he can't, but I BET HE WILL!

Kalinda meets with the audio guy she hired to analyze the wiretap recording she guilted Lana into giving her! The wiretap is authentic! "The FBI isn't faking anything. Bishop wants the lawyer killed." Kalinda calls Cary to warn him, but he's at Bishop's RIGHT NOW!!!

And after the commercial, Cary has to admit that he went there without Carter! Fortunately, Bishop's son Dylan comes in wanting to play a card game with Cary! Keeping Dylan between them, Cary tries to slip out, but Bishop finally gets off the phone and smilingly dismisses Dylan, nonverbally indicating to Cary that he kind of actually can't leave right now! Once Dylan's gone, Bishop asks why Cary has a bodyguard! Cary explains the whole thing! Bishop asks whether Cary believed what he heard on the wiretap, and he says he thought it was faked but now he's not sure: "Is it faked?" "No." OH SHIT! But Bishop says he "talk[s] all the time," and says things he doesn't mean! He wants THE SITUATION of Cary's trial gone, but he was just blowing off steam! "You won't turn on me, right?" Bishop asks. "I won't, ever," Cary promises. So then Bishop has no issue! Great news! Cary starts to take his leave, but Bishop pointedly tells him, "Don't hurt me, and I won't hurt you." Seems fair!

Cary calls Kalinda to report on the meeting! She's unimpressed by Bishop's explanation!

Lana is lounging in bed when Kalinda comes in and curls up next to her to say that, in response to Lana's ultimatum earlier, Kalinda DOES take her seriously! Lana is glad!

Josh and Johnny deny leaking the DINO ad online! Alicia orders them not to do it again! She tells them to release the ad with the clips from the first interview she did! She doesn't care about the dress! DOES SHE NOT REALIZE SHE IS A WOMAN IN POLITICS WHOSE WARDROBE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER POLICY POSITIONS?!

Alicia calls Prady! "They're going to drag us into the pit, Alicia," he says. "What do we do?" "Resist," she says! And she is, kind of!

Lana gets called into Harper's office! Whoops, they know the wiretap got leaked? BUT HOW EVER WOULD THEY HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT?!